Deliciously Delectable!

AB and I were out for lunch at Toit.

AB: Have you decided what you’re planning to have?

Me: No… Pass me the menu.

AB: Here

*Passes me the menu*

*As I was scrolling through the menu, a gorgeous woman passed by our table*

Me: I know what I’m having!

AB: Oh yeah….! Good choice, man!

*AB starts grinning*

Me: What?

AB: Oh….

Me: What?

AB: When you said, “I know what I’m having”, you were talking about food right?

Me: Yup… And you assumed that I was talking about that hot chick that passed by our table?

AB: Yup….

Me: Douche…

AB: My bad…

 

Awekard_NewGirl

Are You A Belieber?

I was at Stones and I thought I saw my friend TK there. Since I wasn’t sure, so I texted her. Later I figured out that it wasn’t her.

TK replied the next day.

TK: Hey!

Me: Wassup?

TK: Sorry, didn’t reply last night.

Me: It’s ok…

TK: I wasn’t sure if that text was for me.

Me: That’s fine. There was a chick there who looked just like you, but later I figured out that it wasn’t you!

TK: Hahaha! Really? How’d you figure out that?

Me: Well, for starters her boyfriend looked like Justin Beiber. You know, long hair with bangs and an emo hairstyle.

TK: Yikes!

Me: I know what your boyfriend looks like…

TK: Hmmmmm…

Me: Also, she did her tongue down his throat during most of the evening. So, I was pretty sure that wasn’t you!

TK: Hey! Too much info! Besides, how’d you know that I don’t have my tongue down his throat?

Me: Well, you aren’t into Justin Bieber!

TK: Good save…

Me: Totally! 😉

scott-pilgrim-wink

Let Your Elbows Do The Talking!

Lady boss and I were discussing about stretching. She turned out to be more flexible than me, since she does yoga.

Me: Fine! I give up! You’re more flexible than me!

Lady Boss: Woohoo!

Me: But….

Lady Boss: What?

Me: Can you lick your elbows?

Lady Boss: What?

Me: Can you lick your elbows?

Lady Boss: I dunno… Lemme try….

*Tries licking her elbows*

*Me and WB are ROLF-ing*

WB: I can’t believe you fell for that… No one can lick their elbows!

Lady Boss: What? What cheap antics!

Me: That’s nothing, you should walk upto busty women in bars and ask them if they could touch elbows behind their backs!

Lady Boss: Wow… Really? So cheap!

Me: People fall for it all the time!

Lady Boss: No way! Women aren’t that dumb. They know when they are being taken for a ride!

Me: They fall for it, ALL THE TIME! Here, I’ll show you!

*Call out to a female colleague*

Chick #1: Yeah?

Me: Can you make your elbows touch behind your back?

Chick #1: Let me try!

*She goes on for about two – three minutes*

Lady Boss: Oh god! What are you doing?

Chick #1: Trying to make my elbows touch each other behind my back!

Lady Boss: These guys are doing it so that they can see your boobs!

Chick #1: Huh? What? Damn!

*Me and WB are ROLF-ing even more*

Me: See, I told you, chicks fall for it.

Lady Boss: That was a fluke!

Me: Fine… I’ll prove it!

*Call out another female colleague from a different room*

Chick #2: What?

Me: Can you make your elbows touch behind your back?

Chick #2: Let me try!

*She does the same thing*

Chick #2: Oh wait! You guys are so cheap! I know what you’re trying to do!

*Even more ROLF-ing*

Chick #1: Atleast you figured it out! I entertained them for about five minutes without even realizing!

Lady Boss: Fine! You guys made your point! Cheapskates!

Me: Woohoo!

leo-laughing

Bloody Hell!

Having lunch with my two bosses after we had just finished interviewing a candidate for the position of Head of Digital Marketing.

Me: I like that chick, she has a good temperament. 

Lady Boss: Yeah man, she looks like she means business.

Dude Boss: I like her attitude, she seems like a good fit.

Lady Boss: That female is a proper bitch. You would think twice before lying to her about why you haven’t finished your work.

Me: Yeah, totally! She can take you apart.

Lady Boss: You know what?

Me: What?

Lady Boss: We should hire only women to lead the different teams!

Me: Go on….

Lady Boss: They would be efficient, get work done and kick ass when required! Everything would be smooth!

Me: Hmmmmm, I get your point… But…

Lady Boss: But what?

Me: Imagine, if their periods are during the same time, there would be hell in office!

Dude Boss: Hahahaha! Imagine that!

Lady Boss: Actually that happens!  

Me: Really?

Lady Boss: When women work in close quarters, their cycles get synced! 

Me: Uh…Oh…

Lady Boss: Imagine those four-five  days! Muahahahahaha!

Me: That’s it! We have to start stocking chocolates and flowers in addition to wine in office now! 

Lady Boss: Imagine that! Full celebration and maska-fying only! 

Dude Boss: Sounds like a plan!

Me: #FML! 

Lady Boss: Muahahahahaha!

 

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The Problem With Us Men…

I hate how our minds are always wired to think that women out there are dying to be at our feet. Of course, the results are often hilarious.

Scene #1:

A hot chick is looking at us.

Expectation:

“Oh yeah, that chick digs me!”

Reality:

She is just looking in our direction. Chances are that she doesn’t know even that we exist.

the-big-bang-theory-gif

Scene #2:

A hot chick is smiling at us.

Expectation:

“Oh yeah, she’s ready to jump into bed with me!”

Reality:

She is smiling just because it’s polite to smile. That’s it! No hidden agenda, nothing.

what-did-you-say-gif

Scene #3:

She says, “Let’s go somewhere quiet”.

Expectation:

“Awwwright, making-out time”

Reality:

She wants to have a conversation in peace. Period.

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Bloody KLPD right? And they say that only women read in-between the lines.

Moms Will Be Moms!

So I was telling my mom about the events of the The Great Golden Goose Chase.

Me: It was so funny to watch NM and JK! SH and I were standing in a corner and laughing!

Mom: So? Atleast those guys tried no? Couldn’t you have picked up a girl?

Me: Huh? What?

Mom: Instead of standing in a corner and laughing, you should have picked up a girl!

Me: For what?

Mom: To love her and then marry her!

Me: Jeez! No way!

Mom: Why not? Get married soon! 

Me: Not this sh*t again! 

*I leave the room*

Mom: This conversation isn’t over!!!

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The Great Golden Goose Chase

This was the scene. There was this hottie and a couple of her friends who had come to town and NM and JK were really trying to *whatever* with her. Anyhow, the plan was that we’d go partying together to the swankiest places in town and then get them to JK’s place for some after-party fun.

Anyhow, SH was in town as well and decided to join us in the perusal of the vertical smile. 😛

After numerous plan changes and shiz, we headed out. Let me draw you a map of the whole evening.

Time: 9 pm

Location: A swanky lounge

We met the girls. charmed them, danced with them. NM and JK were all out with their A-game. Sh and I were just in our zones, making conversations and making politically incorrect jokes.

Time: 11:30 pm

As the party here had ended, the girls and by extension – us, decided to head to a leading five star hotel as the party over there was still raging. NM and JK were all pumped up and ready to go.

Time: 12 am

Location: The five star hotel

The girls and us continued dancing. Sadly, one of the girls was dead tired and wanted to go home. NM and JK focused their energies on the remaining women, trying to impress upon the fact that the best after party would at JK’s place. SH and I decided to chill and watch the series of events in progress. At around 12:30 am, the club announced that they would be closing soon. The girls still wanted to go on and they decided to go to an ‘underground party’ that was happening at the other end of town. All of decided to head there. SH and I decided to take an auto instead so that NM and JK could spend some quality time in the car with “their” hotties.

Time: 1 am

Location: The underground party.

This place was crowded and loud. Just like in the movies. The who’s who of the party circuit was there! Babes dancing on the bar counter, guys giving lap dances to babes. A trip to the loo enlightened me with the fact that when people are horny, any place is good for furiously making out / dry humping. SH, me and the tired babe took a corner seat between couples dry humping each other watched the crowd go mad. It was loud, it was hot (as in the temperature, because there were so many people) and the music! OH MY GOD! WHO THE F*** PLAYS GHATI MUSIC IN A CLUB! Although, it was good fun watching the expat crowd groove to Govinda’s “Meri Shirt Bhi Sexy“!   After a while, this place also shut down and we were on our way out. I was chatting with a Nigerian guy and was generally telling him about our plans. Nice fellow he was.

NM and JK were convinced that the next stop was their place while me and SH secretly bet that none of them would bed the hotties. Anyhow, unknown to them I had spoken to those chicks earlier and they had a headache from the music and they wanted to head home. Ofcourse, I didn’t tell them that!

Time: 2am

Location: The parking lot.

Time to head in the direction of JK’s house.

Time: 2:30 am

Location: On the way to JK’s house.

That awkward moment when NM and JK realized that none of the hotties would be coming home with us and instead wanted to get back to their hotel rooms and sleep. And no, no after-party in their hotel rooms.

Time: 3 am

Location: JK’s house

SH and I had a good laugh about the whole evening with the Nigerian dude we had got back home from the underground party. Man, you should have seen the look on JK’s face when the chicks told him that they wanted to go home. Anyhow, it was a night well spent and with all the party hopping, I felt like a page 3 person.

Time: 3:30 am

Location: NM’s terrace.

Whiskey – Check

Music – Check

Time to stare at the sky and wait for the sun to rise.

 

Bangalore Night Sky