Sh*T I (Allegedly) Say…

After a survey, here’s a compiled list things I say after five (or more) rounds of whiskey.

In no particular order:

When meeting a friend after a long time:

Me: Dude!

Friend: Yeah?

Me: Why don’t you come over more often? 

Friend: Haven’t you heard?

Me: What?

Friend: Distance makes the heart grow fonder!

Me: Bullsh*t! Distance makes the wrists grow stronger!

Friend: Is it?

Me: Totally!

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When everyone is dancing to ghati songs at 3 am:

Me: What is wrong with everyone?

Everyone: Come join us!

Me: No way!

Everyone: C’mon, it’s fun!

Me: I’m going to disown you all!

Everyone: Eh? 

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When an acquaintance is trying to chat up my gf:

Me: Bro!

Him: Yeah?

Me: Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro!

Him: WHAT?!?

Me: Bro, you’re barking up the wrong tree, bro…

Him: #facepalm!

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Taking control of the music at a party:

Everyone: Dude! Play some Trap music man! 

Me: How about no?

Everyone: C’mon! Don’t spoil the party!

Me: How about I educate you all on good music?

Everyone: Dude, please! Play that song!

Me: Oh my god! Look at the no. of f***s I give!

Everyone: Oh lord…..

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With a random hottie at a club:

Hottie: Hi!

Me: Hey!

Hottie: Can I dance with your friend (female)?

Me: Sure thing baby. Whatever gets your motor running!

Hottie: 😉

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Frequent phrases also include:

  • No shit, Sherlock!
  • Totally, bro!
  • Whatever helps you sleep at night. 
  • How about no? 
  • F***tard! 
  • C***!
  • C**** ka baal!
  • Riiiiiiiiight….

To be continued…..

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The Hills Have Eyes…And Ears!

Le GF went to Mumbai for the long weekend.

*Le GF has the habit of checking in everywhere*

Later that day.

*Talking to MS*

MS: Yo wassup?

Me: Nothing much!

MS: What plans for the evening?

Me: I’m going to head home and crash early.

MS: Why don’t you come over?

Me: No man, didn’t get much sleep last night…

MS: Anyways your girlfriend isn’t in town, might as well come over!

Me: Eh? 

*Talking to a colleague*

Colleague: Leaving early?

Me: Yeah man, want to sleep early tonight.

Colleague: Your girlfriend’s not in town, that’s why? 

Me: Jeez.. What is up with everyone? 

*Talking to a friend*

Friend: Duuuuude!

Me: Yeah?

Friend: Let’s have a boys night out this weekend!

Me: Sure thing!

Friend: Girlfriend being out of town has it’s advantage! 

Me: What…? How the hell does everyone know?

Friend: 😀

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Cocky Me, Not So Cocky You!

I’ve been told that on numerous occasions that, at times, after a few rounds of booze I can be a big dic male genitalia.

Scene #1

PBA: Dude!

Me: What?

PBA: I’ve removed you from my friends list on Facebook!

Me: Really? Since when?

PBA: A few months back!

Me: Ah ok….
PBA: Because you’re an assh*le at times.

Me: Alright fine…

PBA: Hmmm…

Me: For the record, I never noticed because I don’t follow you on Facebook!

PBA: !@#!@!

Me: Touche!

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Scene #2

On my parents anniversary.

Mom: Where’s our gift?

Me: What gift?

Mom: Our anniversary gift!

Me: Ah ok…

Mom: What ok? Where is it?

Me: You’ll get it soon.

Mom: How soon is soon?

Me: Soon!

Mom: You never get us anything!

Me: I’m staying with you all no? What greater gift can it be?!

Mom: *#$%!

Me: 😀

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Scene #3

After a night of debauchery.

Me: Dude!

TM: What?

Me: Your friend ZB is such an ass! He was f***ing up my entire trip last night!

TM: So?

Me: Jeez! So get don’t get him to my place anymore!

TM: Why?

Me: Because he’s such a prick!

TM: No, you’re just pissed off because you just met someone who’s equally cocky as you!

Me: Nothing like that!
TM: The taste of your own medicine sucks, doesn’t it? 😛

Me: F*** Off!

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Say It Isn’t So!

I moved back with my parents last month.

Most Weekends:

Parents: What are your plans for the weekend?

Me: I guess I’ll go out partying on Saturday with the gang.

Parents: Will you  be back late in the night?

Me: No, I think I’ll crash at NM’s or JK’s place!

Parents: We think that you should spend more time at home. You are never around!

Me: I’m always here! From Monday to Saturday!

Parents: Yeah, but you’re at work the whole day and once you’re back, you’re locked up inside your room. You don’t come and talk to us. 

Me: Jeez! We’re not having this conversation again!

Parents: Stop treating our house like a hotel! You never help around with the chores! 

And this goes on and on……

This Weekend:

Parents: What’s your weekend plan?

Me: No plans. Planning to stay at home.

Parents: Oh…..

Me: Why what happened?

Parents: Well, one of our family friends will be coming for dinner on Saturday and they will be staying back.

Me: So?

Parents: So if you’re not here, they can probably take your room.

Me: What’s wrong with the guest room? 

Parents: The bed will be a bit too small. There are three of them.

Me: Hmmmm and? 

Parents: So if you could make yourself scarce this weekend, it’ll be good!

Me: Jeez! There’s no pleasing you people!

 

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The Party Planner

A house party is going on at my place. Everyone’s happy, everyone’s drunk and some people are *gone*.

*AV walks upto me*

AV: Hey man!

Me: ‘Sup?

AV: Listen up, next weekend, party at AS’s place.

Me: That’s awesome!

AV: I know. It’s gonna be epic! AS doesn’t know about it yet!

Me: Hahaha! 

*AV walks upto another friend*

AV: Hey man!

Friend #1: Yeah?

AV: Listen up, next weekend, party at AS’s place.

Friend #1: Cool!

AV: It’s gonna be epic! AS doesn’t know about it yet!

Friend #1: Awesome!

*And then to another friend*

AV: Hey man!

Friend #2: AV! What’s up bro?

AV: Listen up, next weekend, party at AS’s place.

Friend #2: F***ing sexy!

AV: It’s gonna be epic! AS doesn’t know about it yet!

Friend #2: Sweet!

*This keeps on repeating till he’s talked to everyone present at the party*

*Finally walks up to AS*

AV: Hey dude!

AS: Hey AV!

AV: Listen up next week, there’s a party at AS’s place! It’s gonna be awesome. Don’t ask him though……. Sh*t!

AS: Uh huh….Go on…

AV: Oh sh*t!

AS: Yeah…..

*AV flees from the hall*

AS: F***ing hell! 

 

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