Troll Of The Year!

So I’m what most Bengalis call, a probasi bangali. Loosely translated, it means “Fake Bengali”. Every year when I travel to Calcutta (I refuse to write it as Kolkata), I’m usually the subject of super scrutinizing relatives / neighbors / random people on the road who are always like “Your Bengali is not not fluent or You don’t look like a Bengali or You don’t like Dada (Saurav Ganguly) and so on. Yes, it’s irritating as hell. I wanted to use f***, but then I decided against it. Oh wait, I just did, so SCORE!

Anyhow, the last time my brother and I went to Calcutta, we decided to go the full mile. We decided to talk only in Bengali to everyone. When I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE.

The results were of course insanely hilarious.

 

Location: KFC, City Center II, Rajarhat (New Town), Calcutta.

*Both of us walk to the counter*

Me: Dadabhai! Kemon acho? (Wassup, how are you?)

KFC Guy: Bhaloi acchi sir! (I’m good too)

Me: Amake ek balti bhaja murgi aar oi maach paorooti ta deen (Give me one bucket of fried chicken and one Fish-o-Fillet)

*At this point, the KFC is not sure whether we’re f***ing with him or just being ourselves*

KFC Guy: Chicken tah te kon flavor chaan? (Which fried chicken do yo want?)

Me: Arre! Oi purono cornel e recipe tah deen! (Give me Old Colonel’s Recipe)

KFC Guy: Errrrr…. Theek aache? Kichu drink korar jonne chai? (Want something to drink?)

Me: Haan, oi lebur soda tah acche? Oita deen! (What I meant to say was, yes give me Sprite. What I said was, give me that lemon soda)

*My brother is laughing uncontrollably*

KFC Guy: Ok. Aapnar bill hochhe 500 taka. (Ok, your bill is 500 bucks)

Me: Matro? Theek achhe! (That’s it?)

KFC Guy: Aapna ra ki Kolkata theke? (Are you from Kolkata?)

Me: Haan! Kolkata teh jonmiye chi aar puro jibon katiye chi! (Yes, I was born in Kolkata and I’ve lived here my whole life)

KFC Guy: Thank you for visiting KFC. Please come again. 

Me: Dhoonobaad! Ami already come kore niyechi! (Thanks, I’ve already come!) (It’s a double meaning, I ain’t gonna explain it)

KFC Guy: Errrrrr……

*Our sides are aching from all the trolling*

*Success*

 

i-see-what-you-did-there-no-text

 

Son Of A Beech!

My aunt, though super cool, at times tries real hard to crack a joke.

This is what I have to put up with at times.

 

Aunt: Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Me: Yeah sure!

Aunt: So there’s this priest and he’s talking to this young guy, who is a menace to the society.

Me: Ok.

Aunt: The priest tries to reason with him and that doesn’t seem to have any effect on the young guy.

Me: Ok.

Aunt: So the priest finally says, ‘Go home son, may you meet your mother with a piece of bark’!

Me: Ok.

Aunt: That’s the joke! 

Me: Errrrr….. 

Aunt: See, what to dogs do with a piece of bark?

Me: I dunno.

Aunt: They pee on it.

Me: Ok. So?

Aunt: So, he’s asking him to meet his mom with a piece of bark. Ergo, calling his mom a b*tch indirectly!

Me: Go on….

Aunt: Since the priest can’t swear, he’s called this a guy a son of a b*tch!

Me: Ah….. I got it now.

Aunt: Yeah, this is wordplay.

Me: Yeah… Please don’t try so hard.

Aunt: Why?

Me: It’s very painful to bear!

 

poker face

 

How Lovely!

We’re watching a commercial on Lovely Professional University.

CG: Who the hell, names an university as Lovely? 

Me: Lovely Singh? The chancellor of the college!

CG: Hahahaha! Right! Who the hell names their kids, Lovely?

Me: Ummmmm, dunno…. Lucky Singh?

CG: F*** off man! Who names their kid, Lucky? 

Me: Dukhwinder Singh! 

CG: Right! Hahahahaha! Dukhwinder Singh! What’s his dad’s name?

Me: Sukhwinder Singh!

CG: Hahahaha! This is epic! It should go on Facebook or something!

Me: Already on it! 

 

Troll_Face

PS: No offence meant to the Sikh / Punjabi community. Ok, maybe a little.

Got Beef?

Notice how urban kids have weird lingo nowadays?

One of them being, ‘I’ve got beef with you!’ or ‘He’s got beef with me!’.

I mean, seriously! Beef? Dafaq man!

Anyhow…. I’ve got a foolproof plan to troll them!

 

Step #1: Turn vegetarian! If you’re a vegetarian, then you’re already one step ahead!

Step #2: Piss off some idiot. This is simple. Just pick a controversial topic or just point at him and scream, ‘Look! There goes an idiot!’

 Step #3: Wait for him to be offended. This is super easy. People are always looking exercise their cuss vocabulary.

Step #4: He’s gonna say, ‘Dude, I’ve got beef with you!’ or “You’ve got beef with me?’.

Step #5: Say

 

clam down

Step #5: Success! Meathead successfully trolled!

PS: You might get punched in the nuts. So watch out.

PPS: Just remember, IT WAS WORTH IT!

 

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Trolled! – 2

Chatting with my friend, PBA.

PBA: Yo! 

Me: What?

PBA: What’s this party thing I’ve been hearing about?

Me: Yeah man, next weekend house party at my place.

PBA: Oh cool! What’s the occasion?

Me: Like you need another reason to drink?

PBA: True that! Anyways, you’ll take care of the booze?

Me: Yeah right! Who do you think I am? Vijay Mallya

PBA: Hahaha! So, BYOB? (Bring your own booze)

Me: Yup!

PBA: And BYOG as well? 😛 (Bring your own girl)

Me: Well, you can get other’s girls too! You know, sharing is caring! 

PBA: Yeah right! Despo bugger!

Me: Yeah, you didn’t think that through, did you? 

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The Doppelganger

I noticed that an acquaintance of mine, RS had just updated her Facebook picture. Now, RS has an uncanny resemble to Bhumika Chawla, the actress. While she hates the comparison, it has always been a source of amusement for me. We had one friend in common, ZK. I decided to buzz her and tell her about the new display picture.

Me: Yo Girl, Wassup?

ZK: Nothing much, painting my nails. 

Me: Did you see Bhumika Chawla’s new display picture?

ZK: Hahaha, if she finds out, she’ll kill you! 

Me: Which she won’t….

ZK: You’re lucky that we aren’t best friends anymore….

Me: Which means that you’re a good girl and you won’t tattle…

ZK: But if I did, she’d chop your head off….

Me: But you won’t because you’re a good girl…

ZK: Appearances can be deceptive…

Me: You’re a sneaky little tattler aren’t you?

ZK: I’m not! But if I was, I would tell her..

Me: Bleh..! You’re starting you sound like a TV serial vamp!

ZK: Careful, you’re standing on thin ice here… 😉 

Me: What dude! You’re supposed to be on my side!

ZK: Then stop calling me names!

Me: So wassup, Bhumika Chawla’s ex-best friend? 😛

ZK: Lame!

Me: But you gotta admit that she’s got an uncanny resemblance. 

 ZK: Yeah yeah, just don’t mention it to her face. She can go zero to crazy b*tch in like, 3 seconds flat!

Me: Hahaha.

ZK: Yeah, she would find it insulting, she thinks that she’s the hottest thing mankind has ever seen!

Me: Ofcourse she will, she’s from ******** School! Every female from that school is a bimbo!

ZK: Hello! I’m from that school! And I’m not not a bimbo!

Me: Ofcourse not! You’re the hottie’s best friend. The sane one! 

ZK: You’re such a prick!

Me: Why don’t you watch Not Another Teen Movie? It’ll help me make my case stronger!

ZK: Totally! That’ll make me feel better, won’t it? I’m the annoying sane beat friend with glasses and fugly looking? 

Me: Bang on!

ZK: Thanks a lot!

Me: Also, you have a super hot sister! Perfect stereotype! Hahahaha!

ZK: Assh*le! You’re such a assh*le! You’ll never get a girlfriend! 

Me: We’ll see! 

ZK: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhh!

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