Smooth Operator!

I was in one those moods when I wanted to go out and meet someone new. Not to date or anything but just for the thrills. It was Friday night and I decided to go to The Humming Tree. They have good music, good crowd and it’s very easy to start a conversation.

So I reach The Humming Tree around 9 pm and I went straight to the bar and got myself a drink. Then I decided to “scope out” people. What I had in mind was, I would smile at someone and if they smiled back, I would walk to them and start a conversation. Of course, I didn’t really expected it work but what the heck, it sounded like fun.

Very soon, a pretty lady, dressed in all red walks in. She had a bob cut, wore a bright shade of red lipstick and was wearing heels.

I smiled at her.

And.

She smiled back!

Damn, first blood already!

Then.

She started walking towards me.

That escalated quickly!

Now, I had to sure that she wasn’t walking towards anyone else. So I casually glanced around and saw that I was the only one looking towards her. Damn, things had started to get serious!

She was definitely walking towards me. I honestly didn’t know what to do next. In my head, I had imagined that I would be tipsy by the time someone smiled back, so things would much smoother.

I stood up straight, shifted the drink from my right hand to the left and got ready to say hello.

She stopped in front of me.

Hi ******, how are you?

HOW.DID.SHE.KNOW.MY.NAME?

My mind started racing!

Who was she? 

Random date?

A Friend of a friend?

Did I met her earlier and I was drunk?

Does she look familiar? 

And suddenly, my mouth got a mind of its own.

Hey! S*****, good to see you! It’s been what, 10 years?

That’s why she knew me. She turned out to be a junior from school!

And to think that, I was imagining myself to be some sort of a PUA.

Disaster averted.

Phew!

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Tequila, Mi Amor!

I was at The Humming Tree for a concert and I happen to run into some of my old college buddies. I got pretty excited on seeing them, lots of hugs going around and other weird male bonding stuff. Probably because I was four beers down. Anyways, I was feeling happy and I ordered a round of tequila for everyone.

Yeah, not a smart idea.

Me: Cheers everyone!

College Buddy: Cheers!

*After 20 mins*

Me: Buy us a round of beer, buddy!

College Buddy: Actually, I’m not drinking tonight!

Me: What! How come?

College Buddy: Well, I quit drinking!

Me: Why?

College Buddy: Just staying sober!

Me: Alright then, I won’t force you!

College Buddy: Cool man!

Me: Alright, catch ya later!

*After 30 mins*

Me: What the…. He just drank the tequila that I bought for him! That S.O.B! He said that he quit drinking!

*That MOFO*

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Rage Against The Gym

I’m not really into fitness and all that shiz, but once in a while I get into this craze and go all ‘healthy living’ on everyone. About fitness, I like going to the gym instead of running outside despite what everyone raves about. I’m not going tell why I prefer the gym because I’m going to sound like a depraved f***, if I do.

Anyhow, every gym session I get to meet certain people who just ruin my day. I wish that there’s a special place in hell for people like them. Like, seriously.

Meet the douchebags.

The Treadmill Hoarders

This species of people take over the treadmill and never seem to finish walking. If you want to walk, walk outside. It’s 6 am in the morning, it’s neither sunny nor hot outside. We live in Bangalore, you don’t even get to see the sun for almost nine months in a year! Most of the days, my cardio is delayed only because of these douchebags. And these people aren’t even old! They are middle-aged aunties! If you really want to be fit and in shape, run! Run like the wind. Not walk like a ***** (I can’t type that).

The Evergreen Runners

This is more of a sub-species of the above mentioned category. These guys are total fitness freaks who seem to have the stamina of a pig when it comes to running. However, they conveniently ignore the sign that says, “Max 30 mins per user” and keep running till someone has to remind them that their daddy doesn’t own the gym. Once again, if you want to run a marathon, do it outside.

The Closet DJ’s

Ah, one of my favorite category of douchbags. It’s one thing to take over the music at a house party, but at a gym? Seriously bro? I mean, music is essential while gymming but do you really wanna listen to Nicky Minaj or one of the interchangeable skanks? Don’t be a douchebag, use headphones instead.

The Choms

This species is a mix of the closet DJ’s and your typical chom boy.

  1. They cannot stop bragging about the number of bench presses they managed yesterday
  2. They will tell everyone about all the exercises they did for their fabulous bodies
  3. They will play only the latest item song on the stereo. Once again, I don’t wanna gym to Baby Doll or Munni or Sheila or whoever is the current favorite. Just saying.

The Enthu Cutlets

These guys are actually good people, except when they decide to train the entire gym as per their routine. These guys are usually ripped as f*** health fanatics and they love offering tips. See, that’s where the problem starts. They start off showing you how to perform an exercise, then they push to train with them and suddenly your inbox is full of health tips, recipes for protein shakes, diet charts, exercise routines and what not. No thank you! As long as my BMI is not under the obese category, I’m good.

The Grunters

Sub species of the Enthu Cutlet category, these guys love letting everyone know that they are “feeling the burn” and blah. They are the one usually going “Uhhhh”, “Yesss”,”Ohhhhh” or any other animal like noises, which might lead you to think that you’re in a jungle safari or watching the William sisters play tennis. Just saying, I think the grunting should be left in the bedroom.

The Page 3 Aunties

Alright! My favorite category – the page 3 aunties. They can be easily spotted by their brightly colored clothes (I blame Reebok for this) which will probably blind you if stare at them long enough. They wear make up to the gym, wear perfumes that gives the room freshener a run for its money and they can’t stop gossiping. They are always a group of them and the only exercise they seem get is their mouth (no, not that you pervert). You should see they around the trainers, oh my god, hormone overdrive. But I’ll confess, they are my favorite distraction while gymming. 😛

Anyhow, I’m done ranting and I’m heading out to The Humming Tree to meet JK and NM. If I’ve missed out a few characters, add them in the comments.

 

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There’s No Such Thing As Too Many Dates!

Driving back home from a house party.

JK: Dude!

Me: Yeah?

JK: Dude, that hot chick took my number!

Me: Awesome!

JK: No dude! She wants to meet at Humming Tree later this week.

Le Gf: So what’s the problem?

Me: What’s your problem exactly?

JK: Ummmmm….

Le Gf: Are you broke?

JK: Yeah…

Me: How broke?

JK: Very broke!

Me: Jeez… Fine tell her that you don’t wanna drink, smoke some weed instead!

Le Gf: Yeah, as simple as that!

JK: Don’t have money for that too!

Le Gf: How broke are you?

Me: Dude, she’s got weed on her. Cool?

JK: How’d you know?

Me: Cos I asked her to roll for me, earlier today!

JK: Awesome! It’s set then!

Le Gf: You’re such a schmuck!

Me: It’s JK, what did you expect?

JK: Chu…!

Me: 😛

 

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Yo Shawty! It’s Your Birthday! – 2

Since a lot of people asked, here’s how the whole day unfolded.

Time: 00:15 am, 6th June

Location: Home

Alcohol Level: None

Substance Abuse Level (Units): 2

JK, NM, KA and Le Gf come over with a delicious cake and we have an impromptu party on my terrace.

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Time: 10:00am, 6th June

Location: Office

Alcohol Level: None

Substance Abuse Level (Units): 1

And that’s how you start office.

Time: 4:00pm, 6th June

Location: Office

Alcohol Level: Half bottle of Banana Wine, One-third bottle of Cashew Wine, One-third bottle of Grape Wine and three shots of Vodka.

Substance Abuse Level (Units): 2

And that’s how you start a birthday celebration.

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Yes, someone did gift me two humongous jackfruits!

Time: 9:00pm, 6th June

Location: The Humming Tree

Alcohol Level: Three pints of beer and one Long Island Ice Tea.

Substance Abuse Level (Units): 0

Around 30 people turned up to wish me! We were so noisy that Monica Dogra of Shaa’ir and Func (and David and Dobhi Ghat fame) commented that we’re making more noise than them. She was sweet enough to wish me though!

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PS: The gig was mad!

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Time: 1:00am, 7th June

Location: JK’s house

Alcohol Level: Three rounds of whiskey and two rounds of Old Monk

Substance Abuse Level (Units): 4

Memorable incidents include (which I have no recollection): Me jumping on the couch and screaming,”ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?” followed by me flinging a chair across JK’s living room. Yes, I was drunk. No brownie points for guessing.

No pics here! 😛

Anyhow, it was a maaaaaaad party and all thanks to Le Gf for organizing everything. And I got gifted around four pairs of shoes, which means that I don’t have to buy anything for the next two years!

😀

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Yeah, that’s pretty much how I did it!