Sh*T I (Allegedly) Say…

After a survey, here’s a compiled list things I say after five (or more) rounds of whiskey.

In no particular order:

When meeting a friend after a long time:

Me: Dude!

Friend: Yeah?

Me: Why don’t you come over more often? 

Friend: Haven’t you heard?

Me: What?

Friend: Distance makes the heart grow fonder!

Me: Bullsh*t! Distance makes the wrists grow stronger!

Friend: Is it?

Me: Totally!

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When everyone is dancing to ghati songs at 3 am:

Me: What is wrong with everyone?

Everyone: Come join us!

Me: No way!

Everyone: C’mon, it’s fun!

Me: I’m going to disown you all!

Everyone: Eh? 

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When an acquaintance is trying to chat up my gf:

Me: Bro!

Him: Yeah?

Me: Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro!

Him: WHAT?!?

Me: Bro, you’re barking up the wrong tree, bro…

Him: #facepalm!

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Taking control of the music at a party:

Everyone: Dude! Play some Trap music man! 

Me: How about no?

Everyone: C’mon! Don’t spoil the party!

Me: How about I educate you all on good music?

Everyone: Dude, please! Play that song!

Me: Oh my god! Look at the no. of f***s I give!

Everyone: Oh lord…..

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With a random hottie at a club:

Hottie: Hi!

Me: Hey!

Hottie: Can I dance with your friend (female)?

Me: Sure thing baby. Whatever gets your motor running!

Hottie: 😉

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Frequent phrases also include:

  • No shit, Sherlock!
  • Totally, bro!
  • Whatever helps you sleep at night. 
  • How about no? 
  • F***tard! 
  • C***!
  • C**** ka baal!
  • Riiiiiiiiight….

To be continued…..

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Talk About Being Drunk!

Standing at the local paan shop.

Me: Guess what?

Friend #1: What?

Me: Last week I came here when I was super drunk…

Friend #1: Ok….

Me: And while I was buying a packet of cigarettes, I just picked up a couple of meetha paan, popped them in my mouth and walked off. 

Friend #1: Really? And then? 

Me: Nothing, he didn’t notice I guess. Anyhow, I was drunk. I couldn’t care less. 

Friend #2: That’s nothing! This one time, I was so drunk that while brushing my teeth, I spat into the washing machine instead of the washbasin!

Me: Like, for real? 

Friend #2: Yup! 

Me: Alright! You win! No questions asked! 

Friend #2: Lol! 

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