When Bae Is Mad!

JK and his girlfriend JS fight a lot. Like, a lot! I’m guessing that their post-fight make up sex is really hot. Otherwise, I have no idea why anyone would fight like this.  Anyways, whenever they fight, you can feel a storm brewing under the surface and never know when it might explode.

We were en route to a camp site near Mysore called Tonnur at about 8 in the night. It’s about 3 hours drive from Bangalore.

Me: This is fun. Driving in the night, on the highway.

JS: I love long drives in the night.

JK: Hmmmm…

Me: I miss the good old days. Around 2011, everyone in my friends circle had brought a car and all of us used to go on drives on Sunday.

JS: I used to do that with my friends too!

Me: We did that very regularly till the petrol prices skyrocketed. After that, driving just for fun seemed like a waste of money. 

JS: We used to hire a cab and go on a drive on the highway after clubbing and then visit a Cafe Coffee Day on the highway. We would be high and the cool breeze on the highway would be so soothing!

Me: Yeah… I miss that feeling. 

JS: Me too! I wish we could do something like that very often. 

JK: That’s such a stupid f***ing idea!

JS: Why? What’s wrong with it? Not everyone likes getting smashed at every party! So smashed that they can’t even talk properly!

JK: It’s a stupid idea to drive after drinking! It’s so stupid! Are you still in college? Stop living in the past!

JS We don’t drink and drive, alright! We hire a cab!

JK: It’s a waste of money!

JS: Yeah, whatever!

Me: Ummmmmm… What’s happenning?

JK: Dude! She crashed my car!

JS: No, I didn’t! He hit the car against the pillar next to his car park!

Me: Really?

JK: Dude! It’s common sense ok! 

Me: What is?

JK: There was parking available in lot no. 12 and no.14 and she parked it between at no. 13!

Me: Ummmmm…. Ok…

JK: Who does that! No wonder my car got damaged! While taking the car out, it hit the pillar!

JS: While YOU were DRIVING!

JK: Who parks in an unlucky slot! It’s common sense! Isn’t it dude?

Me: I. Can’t.Even.Imagine. 

 

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I’ve Only Ever!

PBI and BR have dated only each other during their entire dating history (Like Lily and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother) . This, of course results in hilarious situations. Like, all the time.

*During a game of “I’ve never ever ever”*

PGI: I’ve never ever fallen asleep while have sex!

*Everyone looks at BR*

*BR grudgingly takes a sip of beer*

BR: B*tch!

Everyone: *Sniggering* 

*Round 2*

PGI: I’ve never ever farted during sex!

*Everyone looks at BR*

*BR’s face is almost beetroot red while taking a sip of his beer*

Everyone: #LOL

*Round 3*

PGI: During sex, I’ve never ever ever…

BR: Stop!

PGI: What?

BR: You gotta stop saying things about sex!

PGI: Why?

BR: Because everyone knows that it’s probably me!

PGI: So? 😛

BR: Chu…..!

Everyone: #ROLFMAO! 

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East or West, Marry First!

My team was out for a coffee break when the office creep decided to join us. For some reason we started talking about homosexuality.

Colleague: So OC, you’re gay right?

OC: NO! I’M NOT!

Colleague: You sure?

OC: YES!

Colleague: But you like lesbian porn?

OC: Yes!

Me: Isn’t that double standards?

OC: How so?

Me: You don’t like gay men but you like lesbian porn.

OC: That’s correct.

Colleague: You know that chick, RL. The one who works in our office?

OC: Yeah…

Colleague: She’s a lesbian. She sleeps with other women.

OC: That’s wrong!

Colleague: Uh…Huh… Because they aren’t married?

OC: Yes! Also pre-marital sex is wrong!

Colleague: Because?

OC: It’s wrong to have to sex before marriage

Me: So, if you a beautiful girl walks upto you and says that she wants to sleep with you, you’ll say no to her?

OC: I’ll marry her first and then have sex with her.

Colleague: Why would she marry you in the first place?

OC: Because after marriage, I’ll sign over my bank account and property in her name.

Me: So basically you’ll luring her with money… Like prostitution?

OC: No, how’s this prostitution?

Me: Because, you’re telling her that you’ll give her money if she sleeps with you!

OC: But I’m marrying her no!

Colleague: What if, she sleeps you and then disappears the next day?

OC (scoffing): Like that will ever happen!

Colleague: If it does, then what?

OC: It’s fine, as long as she has sex with me.

Everyone: Jeez! So if it just boils down to sex, you might as well sleep with girls without marrying them!

OC: No, I’ll NOT have sex before marriage.

Me: You know why we call you the office creep right?

OC: Errrrr….. 

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Love Hurts…No..Love Bites!

About two years back, I had gone to Gokarna with my (now ex) girlfriend and her best friend. Since it was only the three of us, we decided to share a room. Before any of you can go *bow-chicka-bow-wow*, let me clarify – Nothing happened.

Anyways, on the journey back, the seats on our bus were riddled with bed bugs and by the time we got back to Bangalore, all our exposed areas ( mostly arms and back) were covered with nasty bed bug bites.

I wore a half sleeve shirt to my office that day.

*My colleague, JD walks upto me*

JD: So dude, I heard that you went to Gokarna with two hotties! Is that true?

Me: Yeah. That’s true!

JD: That’s sexy dude! So f***ing sexy! 

Me: Hahaha… Relax…..

JD: So did you get any? Let me guess, you had a threesome! Right?

Me: No man…. Nothing happened.

JD: Did you share a bed?

Me: Yeah, the bed was big.

JD: Man, I knew it! You player!!

Me: Dude! Believe me! Nothing happened!

*He looks at my bed bug bites*

JD: Oh..My..God! Look at those hickeys! 

Me: Huh? What?

JD: How do you explain those hickeys!

Me: Dude! These are bug bites man! Bed bugs! The bus was full of them!

JD: No way man! No way! 

Me: Oh lord! Why is it so hard for you to believe that nothing happened? 

JD: You went to Gokarna with two hotties, you shared a bed with two hotties and you come back with hickeys to prove that you got some action. Man, you’re a poon hound man!

Me: Dude! These are not hickeys! These are bug bites!

JD: I wasn’t born yesterday, you know… I know a hickey when I see one.

Me: Well, these are hickeys, why would they be on my arms? My frigging arms! It would be on my neck or something!

JD: I dunno… Maybe those hotties had some crazy fetish?

Me: Well, no. And if you think these are hickeys, I have no idea to which whore house you’ve been to, because these are not HICKEYS!

JD: Hahaha… Nice try, you stud! 😉

 

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PS: Nothing happened!

 

Sh*t People Say!

This a new section where I spill beans on some of the worst crap I’ve heard people say.  (PS: I’m severely allergic to bullsh*t).

My friend RAC is stupid, vain, shallow, sexist, racist and at times misogynistic. In fact, the only reason I’m friends with him is because our fathers went to college together or something. I was catching up with him after ages. His stupidity never ceases to amuse me.

Me: Hey! How you been?

RAC: Been good. You?

Me: Me too. How’s work?

RAC: Work is good. Very hectic though but I’m working my way up the corporate ladder.

Me: Great! Say, how’s that girlfriend of yours? Been dating for a while right? Five years odd?

RAC: We broke up man. Last month actually.

Me: Oh, what happened?

RAC: That b**** cheated on me. We were in a long distance relationship and that w**** was cheating on me with someone else!

Me: That’s bad. How you holding up? I thought you both were going very steady?

RAC: I thought too, but that b**** screwed it all up.

Me: Hmmmmm…

RAC: You know, I’ve gifted her many things. Expensive things.

Me: Yeah, I’ve heard.

RAC: That b**** now knows what she’ll miss man. She knows that she’ll never find someone as rich as me to take of her. 

Me: Errrrrrr, ok…

RAC: I’ve given her designer stuff from my office trips abroad. Gucci, Armani, Channel, Kenzo… She’s gonna miss them all!

Me: I suppose so….

RAC: Don’t you worry! I’ve f***** her as well. 

Me: Errrr, ok… Too much information here.

RAC: What did you think, that’ll gift her all this stuff and not to get use my tool! Please, been there done that!

Me: I can see what a tool you are.. (muttering).

RAC: Yeah, no one messes with me!

Me: Oh lord! Save us all! 

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No Tissue, No Issue!

I was at a popular pub, when I happen to overhear this conversation from the table next to mine. There were about six people, three guys and three girls. They were discussing about whether your bride should be a virgin or not at the time of marriage.

Guy#1: Call me old fashioned, but I would want my wife to be a virgin!

Girl#1: You’re such a hypocrite! You have slept with other women, but you want your wife to be a virgin!?

Guy#2: The rules are different for guys, ok? In our society, women who have pre-marital sex are looked down on.

Girl#2: That’s so archaic! In this day and age, everyone has pre-marital sex! Besides, what does it matter whether the girl is a virgin or not?

Guy#3: I second with Guy#1! I don’t want to get the feeling that someone has already slept with my wife.

Girl#1: That’s so chauvinistic! If you’re so concerned that whether she’s slept with someone before you, just don’t ask.

Girl#2: Besides, why is that if men sleep with many girls, he’s branded a stud but if a woman sleeps around with many men, she’s branded a slut! Why are there double standards?

Guy#3: You see, Confucius once said: “If a single key can open many locks, it’s a master key. But if a single lock can be opened with many keys, it’s a shitty lock”!

*The guys high five each other. The women look annoyed*

Girl#1: Oh please, Confucius didn’t say anything like that.

Girl#2: You guys are such chauvinistic pigs!

*At this point, Girl#3, who was silent all this while, bangs the table*

Guy#1: Dafaq woman! You almost spilled my beer!

Girl#3: Why are you guys making such a big issue about a tissue? Relax guys.

*I’m sipping my beer, listening to the whole conversation*

 Me (to myself): Whoa mama! Cheers to that! 

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