When Bae Is Mad!

JK and his girlfriend JS fight a lot. Like, a lot! I’m guessing that their post-fight make up sex is really hot. Otherwise, I have no idea why anyone would fight like this.  Anyways, whenever they fight, you can feel a storm brewing under the surface and never know when it might explode.

We were en route to a camp site near Mysore called Tonnur at about 8 in the night. It’s about 3 hours drive from Bangalore.

Me: This is fun. Driving in the night, on the highway.

JS: I love long drives in the night.

JK: Hmmmm…

Me: I miss the good old days. Around 2011, everyone in my friends circle had brought a car and all of us used to go on drives on Sunday.

JS: I used to do that with my friends too!

Me: We did that very regularly till the petrol prices skyrocketed. After that, driving just for fun seemed like a waste of money. 

JS: We used to hire a cab and go on a drive on the highway after clubbing and then visit a Cafe Coffee Day on the highway. We would be high and the cool breeze on the highway would be so soothing!

Me: Yeah… I miss that feeling. 

JS: Me too! I wish we could do something like that very often. 

JK: That’s such a stupid f***ing idea!

JS: Why? What’s wrong with it? Not everyone likes getting smashed at every party! So smashed that they can’t even talk properly!

JK: It’s a stupid idea to drive after drinking! It’s so stupid! Are you still in college? Stop living in the past!

JS We don’t drink and drive, alright! We hire a cab!

JK: It’s a waste of money!

JS: Yeah, whatever!

Me: Ummmmmm… What’s happenning?

JK: Dude! She crashed my car!

JS: No, I didn’t! He hit the car against the pillar next to his car park!

Me: Really?

JK: Dude! It’s common sense ok! 

Me: What is?

JK: There was parking available in lot no. 12 and no.14 and she parked it between at no. 13!

Me: Ummmmm…. Ok…

JK: Who does that! No wonder my car got damaged! While taking the car out, it hit the pillar!

JS: While YOU were DRIVING!

JK: Who parks in an unlucky slot! It’s common sense! Isn’t it dude?

Me: I. Can’t.Even.Imagine. 

 

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Et Tu, Brute?

Le Gf, JK, his gf – JS and I were headed out for the evening. Double date sorta thing.

While coming towards the car, JK and JS seemed to fighting about something.

*As they entered the car*

JS: I don’t like the smell ok?

JK: Then you don’t have any taste in life!

JS: Look… It just doesn’t smell good ok?

JK: What are you talking about? It’s a classic smell!

Me: What are you both arguing about?

JS: He uses Brut cologne. I told him that the fragrance doesn’t suit him. He wont listen to me!

JK: Dude! It’s Brut! It’s a classic fragrance!

JS: It’s gives off an old-man-like-smell!

JK: Look! It’s Brut! Argument closed!

JS: Whatever! Don’t complain if I’m always standing far away from you!

JK: Dude!

Me: Yeah?

JK: You have used Brut right?

Me: Yes… Once upon a time…

JK: Tell me, which woman doesn’t like the smell of Brut? It’s a classic musk smell!

Me: Ummmm…. Women who don’t have any daddy issues, don’t like Brut? Because it reminds them of that “Old Man Smell”….

JS: Aha! Told you!

JK: Chu….!

Me: Hahaha!

 

lol

 

Kitty’s Got Claws!

At the company BBQ party.

About this point in time, we were two bottles of alcohol and countless beers down.

Dude Boss: You know, if Whiny and I were married…

Lady Boss: Eh what?

Dude Boss: Yeah, if me and Whiny were married, not the love kind… I mean the bro type… We would totally live on a farm and do farming!

Me: Yeah!

Lady Boss: Hello. NMD is here only. Atleast don’t discuss your plans to cheat on him, out in open!

NMD: Yeah! What the hell…

Dude Boss: Errrrrr…..

NMD: Couldn’t you have waited for me to go out of earshot, before you decided to cheat on me?

Dude Boss: Errrr….

Me: Big deal…. Besides, If any skank  tries to steal Dude Boss away from me, Imma gonna smack her down!

Dude Boss: Yeah! Bros before hoes!

*Fist bump*

Lady Boss: Oh god….

Me: I’ll totally like, claw their eyes and all… Like… MEOW…

Lady Boss: Wow…. Did you really say that just now?

Me: Yes…. Hisssss! Kitty’s got claws!

Lady Boss: Yes…. Ladies totally beware!

Me: Yeah! Bros before hoes! Bitches stay away!

*Fist bump, part2*

NMD: Hello skanks, I’m still here!

Me: Meow! Hissss!

NMD: Jeez! Fine, you can have him!

Me: Victory shall be mine!

endless-catfight_mean_girls

I just realized that this conversation had no point whatsoever!

#JustSaying

I’ve Only Ever!

PBI and BR have dated only each other during their entire dating history (Like Lily and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother) . This, of course results in hilarious situations. Like, all the time.

*During a game of “I’ve never ever ever”*

PGI: I’ve never ever fallen asleep while have sex!

*Everyone looks at BR*

*BR grudgingly takes a sip of beer*

BR: B*tch!

Everyone: *Sniggering* 

*Round 2*

PGI: I’ve never ever farted during sex!

*Everyone looks at BR*

*BR’s face is almost beetroot red while taking a sip of his beer*

Everyone: #LOL

*Round 3*

PGI: During sex, I’ve never ever ever…

BR: Stop!

PGI: What?

BR: You gotta stop saying things about sex!

PGI: Why?

BR: Because everyone knows that it’s probably me!

PGI: So? 😛

BR: Chu…..!

Everyone: #ROLFMAO! 

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Being Dense

Sometimes Most of the times men are dense. We don’t get subtle hints. We need clear instructions on what you women want us to do or what you need from us.

Then there are men, who are so dense that they don’t know what obvious hints are even if you slap them in the face with it. My friend VB is one.

During the third year of college, he had taken to gymming. By the time we were in our final semester, VB had shed close to 25 kilos (I kid you not) and used to look really fit. During this time, he had befriended one chick at his gym and they were good friends. I’m guessing that she had the hots for him, till one day…

Me: Yo! Wassup?

VB: Nothing much! Just back from the gym.

Me: How’s that going?

VB: Pretty good!

Me: By the way, how that lady friend of yours? Priya, right?

VB: Ummmm…. She’s not talking to me these days….

Me: Why?

VB: I don’t know!

Me: What did you do?

VB: Nothing!

Me: Then?

VB: I don’t know! Last week, she invited me to her house to chill because her parents weren’t in town and I didn’t go. Then few days later, she called me over to house to help her with maths and she said that her parents weren’t at home. I didn’t go because I was hanging out with you.

Me: Uh..Huh…

VB: After that she stopped talking to me.

Me: Go on…

VB: So I haven’t really done anything inappropriate at all. She stopped talking to me out of the blue!

Me: You poor naïve fool!

VB: What?

Me: Nothing bro, chill. Life goes on…

VB: Eh?

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East or West, Marry First!

My team was out for a coffee break when the office creep decided to join us. For some reason we started talking about homosexuality.

Colleague: So OC, you’re gay right?

OC: NO! I’M NOT!

Colleague: You sure?

OC: YES!

Colleague: But you like lesbian porn?

OC: Yes!

Me: Isn’t that double standards?

OC: How so?

Me: You don’t like gay men but you like lesbian porn.

OC: That’s correct.

Colleague: You know that chick, RL. The one who works in our office?

OC: Yeah…

Colleague: She’s a lesbian. She sleeps with other women.

OC: That’s wrong!

Colleague: Uh…Huh… Because they aren’t married?

OC: Yes! Also pre-marital sex is wrong!

Colleague: Because?

OC: It’s wrong to have to sex before marriage

Me: So, if you a beautiful girl walks upto you and says that she wants to sleep with you, you’ll say no to her?

OC: I’ll marry her first and then have sex with her.

Colleague: Why would she marry you in the first place?

OC: Because after marriage, I’ll sign over my bank account and property in her name.

Me: So basically you’ll luring her with money… Like prostitution?

OC: No, how’s this prostitution?

Me: Because, you’re telling her that you’ll give her money if she sleeps with you!

OC: But I’m marrying her no!

Colleague: What if, she sleeps you and then disappears the next day?

OC (scoffing): Like that will ever happen!

Colleague: If it does, then what?

OC: It’s fine, as long as she has sex with me.

Everyone: Jeez! So if it just boils down to sex, you might as well sleep with girls without marrying them!

OC: No, I’ll NOT have sex before marriage.

Me: You know why we call you the office creep right?

OC: Errrrr….. 

Troll-Face-Dancing