It’s All About Organization!

PBA pings me on Facebook.

PBA: Yo!

Me: ‘Sup?

PBA: What’s that porn site you were telling me about the other day?

Me: www.somepornsite.com

PBA: Awesome! Thanks! 

Me: You’re welcome! 

*After 5 mins*

PBA: I don’t like the site.

Me: Oh… videos not good?

PBA: The site is not user friendly.

Me: Errrrrr, what’s that supposed to mean?

PBA: I like my porn well organized. You know, well displayed…. This site is making me scroll a lot! 

Me: Dude! Seriously? 

 

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Who The Hell Does That?

Time: 6:30 pm

Location: Our flat

MS finds himself all alone in the flat. Instantly, his mind drifts towards the thing he wanted to do for a while now.

He peeks into CG’s room and mine, making doubly sure that he was all alone. He proceeds towards my room, switches on my computer.

The computers logs in, all drives active. MS has an evil grin on his face, he’s very close to his destination. He finds the drive he was looking for.

He’s found it! He double-clicks on the icon and accesses the drive. His eyes are solely dedicated to find that one folder, the folder where he would find his solace.

After the few seconds, he’s happy. He’s found the folder named ‘Stuff’. His grin widens, ‘Jackpot!’, was running though his mind. Double-clicks on that icon.

MS rubs his eyes in disbelief. The folder is empty! MS refreshes the folder a couple of times, but nothing happens. MS is dejected, perplexed even. ‘How is it possible’?

That’s the only that’s on his mind now. He frantically reaches for his phone and dials that one number that can help him now.

*The phone rings*

Me: Hello?

MS: DUDE!

Me: What?

MS: Where’s all your porn? 

Me: I deleted it last week. 

MS: What!? Why? Why would you do that?

Me: Ummmm, I wanted some free space on my drive. 

MS: That’s why we have external drives!

Me: Yeah, those were full too. 

MS: You deleted everything?

Me: Yup!

MS: Even the new ones you downloaded?

Me: Yup! All clean.

MS: Oh my god! How am I supposed to *censored* now? Huh? How?

Me: Ummmmm, FTV? 

MS: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

paulie

Need For Speed!

After I had published Multitasking, Like A Baws, I got quite a few mails from my readers who were reminiscing about their college days, when they would go lengths to hide their porn. So I’d thought I’ll share this anecdote with you all about LKB and his porn collection.

*I walk into LKB’s room*

Me: Hey man!

LKB: Hey!

Me: Do you have any computer games? 

LKB: Yeah man, check my cupboard. There’s a Cd pouch with all my Cd’s in it. You’ll find the games Cd’s there as well. 

*LKB directs me towards his cupboard. I find one pouch where all the Cd’s were titled ‘NFS’*

Me: Whoa, didn’t realize that you were a big fan of Need For Speed. You’ve got many versions. 

LKB: Hahaha. No man. They are all porn movies. 

Me: Huh? Then why would you name all of them as NFS?

LKB: In case my mom found some of my Cd’s by mistake, I could always tell her that it’s a computer game. She knows about NFS.

Me: Hmmmmm, ok. What if she asks why do you have so many NFS Cd’s?

LKB: Duh! I’ll tell her that there are many versions of this game. 

Me: Hmmmm, ok. What if you mistake your porn Cd for the actual game and give it someone else? 

LKB: That’ll never happen. I’ve named the Cd’s NFS for a reason.

Me: What’s that?

LKB: NFS – Need For Sex! 

Me: Hahaha! Good one! 

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Multitasking, Like A Baws!

My friend, FF is an avid collector of porn. Unlike most men, who go lengths to hide their porn collection, FF would boast about his collection to anyone who would care to listen. All his porn, all 150 GB of it would be classified neatly. As far as I could remember, in 2006, 150 GB of free space was a luxury very few people could afford to have. From Asian to Latino, from Caucasian to Interracial, which would be further classified into softcore, hardcore, x-rated, xxx-rated, whatever-rated,FF had it all. And his biggest fan happened to be none other than LKB.

This used to be LKB’s routine as soon as we would enter FF’s room.

1. Bolt the door.

2. Turn the volume up.

3. Play the most bare backing-iest, ball slappy-iest porn movie he could find, while FF and I would suddenly decide to talk about an assignment that was due in class.

4. Plug in headphones and listen to the whole thing. (I never got that part).

5. Disappear mysteriously for couple of minutes to the loo. (We all know where he went. It’s very subtly implied).

6. Come out looking ‘refreshed’.

Well, on one such occasion his mom happened to call. Instead of letting the phone ring, LKB decided to attend the call.

FF paused the movie, so that LKB could talk without sounding *funny*.

LKB: Hey mom, hold on. Dude, let the movie play, I can do both.

FF and I: For real?

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To Tap Or Not To Tap?

My friend CR is a very old fashioned woman. She is vehemently against pre-marital sex and she rains hell on those who dare to sing the glorious songs about the joy of sex in front of her.

We were having a chat about something  when our friend HP decided to join our conversation. HP is 19 years old and had recently joined a prestigious city college, known for its abundance of beauty on its campus (The female kind of beauty, not the nature kind. In case you were wondering).

HP: Man, so many hotties in my college! So many to tap!

CR: What? Tap? Seriously? Is that how you treat women?

HP: Chill woman, It’s just tapping. Nothing serious!

CR: Just tapping? Seesh, you’re just 19 years old! I’m gonna tell your mom!

Me: Chill CR. HP, did you really tap a chick?

HP: Errrrr….

CR: Well?

Me: Well, if you did, then – RESPECT TO YOU!

(We bump fist)

CR: Stop corrupting him! He shouldn’t be thinking about ‘tapping’ at this age! He should concentrate on his studies!

Me: Relax CR! Not everyone decides to wait like you. You’re 27 and you still haven’t done it! Your first time is going to be so awful! 

CR: Oh please! Big deal. My fiance is 32 and he hasn’t tapped anyone either! In fact he doesn’t even know how to kiss! I had to teach him! 

(HP and I double up in laughter)

Me: That’s too much information! 

HP: You both are made for each other. 

Me: Your first night together is not going to go well. Both of you will be wondering what goes where!

HP: Oh yeah! I can totally see that happening!

Me: While choosing music for the occasion, ensure that you choose a live album. That way you’ll get an applause every five minutes! 

HP: Amen to that!

CR: Oh please! We’ll just watch porn and figure it out! Alright? Now lets drop the subject!

(My sides start aching from all that laughing)

Me: Did you really say porn? This just keeps on getting better!

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