You’ve Got Balls!

By this time, we were drunk out of our skulls. So please excuse the language.

*While playing with the dogs at the farmhouse*

NMD: Anyone got a ball? Anyone?

Guy #1: Hahaha! I have!

NMD: Pass it!

Guy #1: You know, I was about to say that I have one ball, but then I have two balls, so I didn’t say that I have a ball…

NMD: Errr… Ok….

Guy #2: No dude…. You got more than two balls!

Guy #1: I do?

Guy #2: Yeah… See….

*Excluding graphic details*

Guy #2: Now I have more balls!

NMD: What are you, like the Medusa of balls?

Guy #2: Yes!

Guy #1: So if anyone looks at your balls, they will turn into stone?

Guy #2: Yes!

Me: Oh god please, please don’t show me your balls!

*Thank god I didn’t have to see it*

*Not that, he would have shown it*

*Just clarifying*

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Do You Even Bukake?

Location: Farm house, middle of nowhere.

Scene: Very drunk and high on *substances*

#ThatAwkwardMomentWhenJoinAConversationAndDontKnowWhatPeopleAreTalkingAbout

Lady Boss: Dude!

NMD: What?

Lady Boss: Where you in my house when that bukake shit was happening?

NMD: What???

Lady Boss: That bukake shit!

NMD: What do you think bukake means?

Lady Boss: Arre…. That spitting thing…

NMD: I think you need to check what bukake really means…

Lady Boss: Dude whatever! Where you there in my house or not?

NMD: Why would I be there in your house while there was bukake happening?

Lady Boss: Aaaargh! Nevermind!

*Drunk me sitting in the corner*

Me: WTF did I hear just now???

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Kitty’s Got Claws!

At the company BBQ party.

About this point in time, we were two bottles of alcohol and countless beers down.

Dude Boss: You know, if Whiny and I were married…

Lady Boss: Eh what?

Dude Boss: Yeah, if me and Whiny were married, not the love kind… I mean the bro type… We would totally live on a farm and do farming!

Me: Yeah!

Lady Boss: Hello. NMD is here only. Atleast don’t discuss your plans to cheat on him, out in open!

NMD: Yeah! What the hell…

Dude Boss: Errrrrr…..

NMD: Couldn’t you have waited for me to go out of earshot, before you decided to cheat on me?

Dude Boss: Errrr….

Me: Big deal…. Besides, If any skank  tries to steal Dude Boss away from me, Imma gonna smack her down!

Dude Boss: Yeah! Bros before hoes!

*Fist bump*

Lady Boss: Oh god….

Me: I’ll totally like, claw their eyes and all… Like… MEOW…

Lady Boss: Wow…. Did you really say that just now?

Me: Yes…. Hisssss! Kitty’s got claws!

Lady Boss: Yes…. Ladies totally beware!

Me: Yeah! Bros before hoes! Bitches stay away!

*Fist bump, part2*

NMD: Hello skanks, I’m still here!

Me: Meow! Hissss!

NMD: Jeez! Fine, you can have him!

Me: Victory shall be mine!

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I just realized that this conversation had no point whatsoever!

#JustSaying

The Great Golden Goose Chase

This was the scene. There was this hottie and a couple of her friends who had come to town and NM and JK were really trying to *whatever* with her. Anyhow, the plan was that we’d go partying together to the swankiest places in town and then get them to JK’s place for some after-party fun.

Anyhow, SH was in town as well and decided to join us in the perusal of the vertical smile. 😛

After numerous plan changes and shiz, we headed out. Let me draw you a map of the whole evening.

Time: 9 pm

Location: A swanky lounge

We met the girls. charmed them, danced with them. NM and JK were all out with their A-game. Sh and I were just in our zones, making conversations and making politically incorrect jokes.

Time: 11:30 pm

As the party here had ended, the girls and by extension – us, decided to head to a leading five star hotel as the party over there was still raging. NM and JK were all pumped up and ready to go.

Time: 12 am

Location: The five star hotel

The girls and us continued dancing. Sadly, one of the girls was dead tired and wanted to go home. NM and JK focused their energies on the remaining women, trying to impress upon the fact that the best after party would at JK’s place. SH and I decided to chill and watch the series of events in progress. At around 12:30 am, the club announced that they would be closing soon. The girls still wanted to go on and they decided to go to an ‘underground party’ that was happening at the other end of town. All of decided to head there. SH and I decided to take an auto instead so that NM and JK could spend some quality time in the car with “their” hotties.

Time: 1 am

Location: The underground party.

This place was crowded and loud. Just like in the movies. The who’s who of the party circuit was there! Babes dancing on the bar counter, guys giving lap dances to babes. A trip to the loo enlightened me with the fact that when people are horny, any place is good for furiously making out / dry humping. SH, me and the tired babe took a corner seat between couples dry humping each other watched the crowd go mad. It was loud, it was hot (as in the temperature, because there were so many people) and the music! OH MY GOD! WHO THE F*** PLAYS GHATI MUSIC IN A CLUB! Although, it was good fun watching the expat crowd groove to Govinda’s “Meri Shirt Bhi Sexy“!   After a while, this place also shut down and we were on our way out. I was chatting with a Nigerian guy and was generally telling him about our plans. Nice fellow he was.

NM and JK were convinced that the next stop was their place while me and SH secretly bet that none of them would bed the hotties. Anyhow, unknown to them I had spoken to those chicks earlier and they had a headache from the music and they wanted to head home. Ofcourse, I didn’t tell them that!

Time: 2am

Location: The parking lot.

Time to head in the direction of JK’s house.

Time: 2:30 am

Location: On the way to JK’s house.

That awkward moment when NM and JK realized that none of the hotties would be coming home with us and instead wanted to get back to their hotel rooms and sleep. And no, no after-party in their hotel rooms.

Time: 3 am

Location: JK’s house

SH and I had a good laugh about the whole evening with the Nigerian dude we had got back home from the underground party. Man, you should have seen the look on JK’s face when the chicks told him that they wanted to go home. Anyhow, it was a night well spent and with all the party hopping, I felt like a page 3 person.

Time: 3:30 am

Location: NM’s terrace.

Whiskey – Check

Music – Check

Time to stare at the sky and wait for the sun to rise.

 

Bangalore Night Sky

 

 

God Save My Liver…

Overhead from every other party.

Time: 8 pm

Booze: 1 peg down

Music: Pumped Up Kicks

“People, let’s start drinking!”

“I had a rough week at work!”

“The weekend couldn’t have come sooner”

Time: 9 pm

Booze: 2 pegs down

Music: Thrift Shop

“Man, the Indian Cricket team is so sucky!”

“I can’t believe Mallya paid 14 crores for Yuvraj Singh!”

“You think Aresenal is going to win this season?”

Time: 10 pm

Booze: 3 pegs down

Music: Moves Like Jagger

“Dude, what was Kejriwal thinking?”

“The roads in Bangalore are so shitty!”

“Have you seen the new Aventador? That rich bugger just bought it!”

Time: 11 pm

Booze: 4 pegs down

Music: Bangarang

“Dude, this whisky is really good!”

“Man, the drop in this song is maaaaaad!”

“We should go to Sunburn man!”

Time: 12 am

Booze: 5 pegs down

Music: Sexy Bitch

“Why aren’t we dancing dude?!!”

“Oops, I dropped my glass!”

“I’m not drunk okay!!”

Time: 1 am

Booze: 6 pegs down

Music: I’m Sexy And I Know It

“Maybe we should eat something?”

“I’ve a sexy business idea! All I need is capital!”

“Dude, the power shortage is a big political conspiracy!”

Time: 2 am

Booze: 7 pegs down

Music: Gangnam Style

“Maybe we should order some food?”

“Dude, that guy is like goooooone!”

“Yeah man, my capacity is like huge!”

Time: 3 am

Booze: 8 pegs down

Music: Angreji Beat

“Check out my moonwalk dude!”

“Dude, I still love her dude!”

“Dude, we should totally quit our jobs and start up!”

Time: 4 am

Booze: 9 pegs down

Music: Hawa Hawai

“Dude! We’re out of mixing! F*** it, I’ll drink it neat!”

“I’m gonna beat up that guy! He’s acting too cocky”

“Dude, I gotta confess something”

Time: 5 am

Booze: 10 pegs down

Music: Tu Cheez Badi Hai Mast Mast

“Let’s go the terrace!”

“Maybe we should eat something?”

“Man, I love ghati music!”

Time: 6 am

Booze: 11 pegs down

Music: Gandi Baat

“Let’s do Jaeger Bombs!:

“Dude! Is that the sun in the horizon?”

“I’m not drunk at all!”

Time: 7 am

Booze: 12 pegs down

Music: Chikni Chameli

“Let’s do push ups!”

“Food? Anyone? We should just have breakfast now!”

“I can totally do the moonwalk like MJ!”

Time: 8 am

Booze: 13 pegs down

Music: Isspidermen Isspidermen

“Oh god, I have office tomorrow!”

“Why don’t we have anymore booze?!”

“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……!”

“13 is a very odd number. Let’s have another peg to make it even!”

And people wonder why I look so tired on a Monday.

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