Cocky Me, Not So Cocky You!

I’ve been told that on numerous occasions that, at times, after a few rounds of booze I can be a big dic male genitalia.

Scene #1

PBA: Dude!

Me: What?

PBA: I’ve removed you from my friends list on Facebook!

Me: Really? Since when?

PBA: A few months back!

Me: Ah ok….
PBA: Because you’re an assh*le at times.

Me: Alright fine…

PBA: Hmmm…

Me: For the record, I never noticed because I don’t follow you on Facebook!

PBA: !@#!@!

Me: Touche!

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Scene #2

On my parents anniversary.

Mom: Where’s our gift?

Me: What gift?

Mom: Our anniversary gift!

Me: Ah ok…

Mom: What ok? Where is it?

Me: You’ll get it soon.

Mom: How soon is soon?

Me: Soon!

Mom: You never get us anything!

Me: I’m staying with you all no? What greater gift can it be?!

Mom: *#$%!

Me: 😀

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Scene #3

After a night of debauchery.

Me: Dude!

TM: What?

Me: Your friend ZB is such an ass! He was f***ing up my entire trip last night!

TM: So?

Me: Jeez! So get don’t get him to my place anymore!

TM: Why?

Me: Because he’s such a prick!

TM: No, you’re just pissed off because you just met someone who’s equally cocky as you!

Me: Nothing like that!
TM: The taste of your own medicine sucks, doesn’t it? 😛

Me: F*** Off!

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Moms Will Be Moms!

So I was telling my mom about the events of the The Great Golden Goose Chase.

Me: It was so funny to watch NM and JK! SH and I were standing in a corner and laughing!

Mom: So? Atleast those guys tried no? Couldn’t you have picked up a girl?

Me: Huh? What?

Mom: Instead of standing in a corner and laughing, you should have picked up a girl!

Me: For what?

Mom: To love her and then marry her!

Me: Jeez! No way!

Mom: Why not? Get married soon! 

Me: Not this sh*t again! 

*I leave the room*

Mom: This conversation isn’t over!!!

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Say It Isn’t So!

I moved back with my parents last month.

Most Weekends:

Parents: What are your plans for the weekend?

Me: I guess I’ll go out partying on Saturday with the gang.

Parents: Will you  be back late in the night?

Me: No, I think I’ll crash at NM’s or JK’s place!

Parents: We think that you should spend more time at home. You are never around!

Me: I’m always here! From Monday to Saturday!

Parents: Yeah, but you’re at work the whole day and once you’re back, you’re locked up inside your room. You don’t come and talk to us. 

Me: Jeez! We’re not having this conversation again!

Parents: Stop treating our house like a hotel! You never help around with the chores! 

And this goes on and on……

This Weekend:

Parents: What’s your weekend plan?

Me: No plans. Planning to stay at home.

Parents: Oh…..

Me: Why what happened?

Parents: Well, one of our family friends will be coming for dinner on Saturday and they will be staying back.

Me: So?

Parents: So if you’re not here, they can probably take your room.

Me: What’s wrong with the guest room? 

Parents: The bed will be a bit too small. There are three of them.

Me: Hmmmm and? 

Parents: So if you could make yourself scarce this weekend, it’ll be good!

Me: Jeez! There’s no pleasing you people!

 

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Mama, I’m Coming Home…

Mom calls me up.

Me: Hey mom!

Mom: When are you coming home next? 

Me: No hi, no hello?

Mom: Why do you never call? I’m the one always calling!

Me: Seesh, you’re starting to sound like a nagging girlfriend! 

Mom: If I was your girlfriend I would’ve dumped you by now! 

Me: Ouch! 

Mom: So when are you coming home next? 

Me: I don’t know. Need to see my calendar. 

Mom: Need to see the calendar? So this is what it’s come down to?

Me: Mom please, you know that I’ve a hectic job as it is. 

Mom: So? What does that have to with not visiting us?

Me: Because I don’t have time! I haven’t even met my friends for three months now! 

Mom: I don’t care about them! As a son, you have certain duty towards us. You can’t escape that!

Me: Jeez! I don’t have any me-time! 

Mom: Whatever! I’ll see you home next week! 

Me: Sigh, Ok. See you next week. 

*Next weekend, I’m having lunch with my parents*

Mom: So how’s work?

Me: It’s hectic. We’re actually launching a new…..

*Dad interrupts me*

Dad: You know, you guys should start a niche service to cater to the blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…..

Me: Errrrrr,…. Ok, sure. 

Mom: Are you guys cooking at home yet? 

Me: Yeah, we cook on the weekends and…. 

*Dad interrupts me, again*

Dad: You guys should have set work timings. Working around the clock doesn’t work you know. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…

Me: Errrr, sure…

Mom: Going to the gym regularly?

Me: Trying to. But it’s kinda difficult with….

*Dad interrupts me, again*

Dad: You should try out the circuit exercises given in this site. It’s blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah… 

Me: Sure. I’ll give it a try. 

*I decided to keep quiet for sometime because my dad wasn’t done yet*

Dad: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…

Me: Ok. Ok. Ok.

*After 10 mins*

Mom: Why aren’t you talking?

Me: Huh?

 Mom: You never call. You never talk. Sigh.

Me: Did you not see that?

Mom: See what?

Me: You’re kidding me right? 

Mom: About what? 

MeNever mind. 

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PS: This happens EVERY TIME!  

Son, That’s The Devil’s Music!

Once a month, I take my parents out to dinner or lunch, whatever works better for me. No place fancy, either a place like Huckleberry or Herbs & Spice – you get the drift. My dad prefers that I drive, so that he can drink in peace without having to worry about getting caught for a DUI. Like all dads, my dad loves commenting on everything and offering advice that I don’t need.

Dad: You mind driving a bit slower. You might damage your suspension. 

Me: Chill, besides I’m super hungry.

Dad: I hear an ambulance, move to the left lane and let it pass.

Me: I don’t see anything in the mirror.

Dad: It’s behind us, I can hear the siren. 

Me: Ummmmm. you might wanna have your glasses checked. 

Dad: My hearing is perfectly fine! You mind turning the music down, then you might hear it too! 

(I dial the volume knob down)

Me: Still can’t  hear anything!

Dad: Oh wait! That was your music! 

Me: Dafaq!

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