Troll Of The Year!

So I’m what most Bengalis call, a probasi bangali. Loosely translated, it means “Fake Bengali”. Every year when I travel to Calcutta (I refuse to write it as Kolkata), I’m usually the subject of super scrutinizing relatives / neighbors / random people on the road who are always like “Your Bengali is not not fluent or You don’t look like a Bengali or You don’t like Dada (Saurav Ganguly) and so on. Yes, it’s irritating as hell. I wanted to use f***, but then I decided against it. Oh wait, I just did, so SCORE!

Anyhow, the last time my brother and I went to Calcutta, we decided to go the full mile. We decided to talk only in Bengali to everyone. When I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE.

The results were of course insanely hilarious.


Location: KFC, City Center II, Rajarhat (New Town), Calcutta.

*Both of us walk to the counter*

Me: Dadabhai! Kemon acho? (Wassup, how are you?)

KFC Guy: Bhaloi acchi sir! (I’m good too)

Me: Amake ek balti bhaja murgi aar oi maach paorooti ta deen (Give me one bucket of fried chicken and one Fish-o-Fillet)

*At this point, the KFC is not sure whether we’re f***ing with him or just being ourselves*

KFC Guy: Chicken tah te kon flavor chaan? (Which fried chicken do yo want?)

Me: Arre! Oi purono cornel e recipe tah deen! (Give me Old Colonel’s Recipe)

KFC Guy: Errrrr…. Theek aache? Kichu drink korar jonne chai? (Want something to drink?)

Me: Haan, oi lebur soda tah acche? Oita deen! (What I meant to say was, yes give me Sprite. What I said was, give me that lemon soda)

*My brother is laughing uncontrollably*

KFC Guy: Ok. Aapnar bill hochhe 500 taka. (Ok, your bill is 500 bucks)

Me: Matro? Theek achhe! (That’s it?)

KFC Guy: Aapna ra ki Kolkata theke? (Are you from Kolkata?)

Me: Haan! Kolkata teh jonmiye chi aar puro jibon katiye chi! (Yes, I was born in Kolkata and I’ve lived here my whole life)

KFC Guy: Thank you for visiting KFC. Please come again. 

Me: Dhoonobaad! Ami already come kore niyechi! (Thanks, I’ve already come!) (It’s a double meaning, I ain’t gonna explain it)

KFC Guy: Errrrrr……

*Our sides are aching from all the trolling*





Carnivores – 1 Herbivores – 0

CG is a high-class-pure-vegetarian. You know, the Saravana Bhavan types. Because of his *ahem ahem* delicate nature, I never miss an opportunity to remind him about the mouth watering meat delicacies he’s missing out on (in my honesty, it was more of shoving it in his face).

Round #1

Me: Man, I’m craving for a Shawarma!

CG: Uh huh…

Me: Wanna go and get some Shawarma?

CG: Yeah sure…

Me: Oh no, you can’t have any because there’s no such thing as a vegetarian Shawarma!

CG: Damn…. Fine.

Me: Yeah! Score! 

Round #2

Me: We should go to Millers46 sometime. 

CG: Sounds like a plan.

Me: Their steaks are out of this world! You should try some!

CG: Okay.. Sure…

Me: Oh no! You can’t! Because there’s no such thing as a vegetarian steak!  Even what restaurants serve as vegetarian steak is an abomination! Steak implies meat! Ergo, vegetarian steak is an oxymoron!

CG: Seesh! You don’t have to be such a d*ck about it!

Me: Yay! Steak!

Match Point: Carnivores 

Round #3

Me: Let’s go to KFC!

CG: No way. 

Me: Why not?

CG: Because their vegetarian food is awful.

Me: C’mon! It’s KFC! How can you not love their tender juicy chicken, deep fried with the Colonel’s Secret Recipe? 

CG: Errrr…

Me: Oh yeah, you have no idea what I’m talking about! 

CG: Dude! Knock it off!

Me: Booyeah! 

Game: Carnivores