Bro messaged me on Facebook to tell that he’s getting a free iPhone 5s.
Don’t you just love conversations between siblings?
This is another rant. This is dedicated to everyone who uses the word “fullpower” to answer every question. Fullpower is not even a real word. It’s some word that trippers (mostly LSD, MDMA, E users) use while describing the nature of their trip.
Anyhow, coming back to my rant, WTF is up with everyone using word? Or is it just my douchebag friends? This is what I have to deal with on an everyday basis. This rant is mostly directed towards NM, JK and MC.
Me: Hey, how are you?
Me: How was the movie?
Me: How was lunch?
Me: How was your trip?
Me: Hey, what you upto?
Me: WTF does that even mean?
Me: Did you see the new iPhone?
Me: How. Does. That. Even. Make. Sense?
Me: What plans for the evening?
Me: Will you eat pizza for dinner?
Me: Oh god!
Me: How’s your love life going?
Me: That’s a lie! We all know it!
You see what I’m dealing with? We need to stop this menace!
My friend KP, manages to find the most bizarre women to date. It’s just that, the women he chooses are a complete mismatch for him. While KP is soft spoken, well mannered and caring (basically one of those guys who enjoy watching Shahrukh Khan movies, loves shopping and gets a manicure / pedicure done every month), his girlfriends are total psychotic b*tches. I’ve always wondered where he picked up his women. Someone told me that he meets them at his monthly Marwadi conventions (not a real thing, but I guess you know what I’m trying to say) or they are ‘handed’ over to him by relatives who’d want them both to get married. Or something like that. I couldn’t be bothered too much. All of them are just pure entertainment for me.
PIB was the best of them all. She’s around 28, holds a a cushy corporate job, dresses like a 12 year old and is a complete control freak. I’ve lost the count of the number of times things have escalated between her and us with KP having to step in and diffuse the situation.
Location: KP’s house. KP, AS and BR are flatmates.
*We’re all seated around the hall and were drinking / chilling, et all*
*PIB walks in with KP*
PIB: Hey everyone!
Everyone (AT, Me, AS and BR): Hey!
PIB: Guess what!? I’ve got the new iPhone!
Everyone (AT, Me, AS and BR): Awesome!
PIB: Here, take a look!
*She passes her phone around to everyone and then stops at AT)
PIB: I’m sorry AT, but you can’t touch my phone!
AT: Errrr, why not?
PIB: Because you’ve been eating chicken and I don’t want you touching my phone with those hands! (She’s a vegetarian)
AT: But everyone’s a non-vegetarian here!
PIB: Yeah, but they haven’t touched the chicken yet! And I don’t want your non-veg touched hands touching my phone!
Lately, CG, MS and I have been watching a lot of BBC’s Sherlock and oh boy, we’re in love with Sherlock. During one of our routine trips to our favorite microbrewery in the city, we noticed a middle aged gentleman sitting near our table along with a kid. After a couple of pints, CG suggested that we do some Sherlock style analyzing and come with a profile.
CG: Alright! Lets do the Sherlock!
CG: Man – Middle aged. Married. That explains the kid.
Me: Absolutely! The kid is roughly three years old. So probably it’s a recent marriage.
CG: He’s wearing shorts. So he’s probably a regular here. He knows the dress code, et all.
Me: He’s got a toned body. Must be a regular at a gym.
CG: Yeah, seems like a fitness freak. He’s eating a salad.
Me: He’s got an iPad. Must have a well paying job.
CG: Yup! He’s got an iPhone too!
Me: The wife’s not here. Probably travelling.
CG: Makes sense. But why would a guy bring his three year old kid to a pub?
Me: Wait! They might be divorced. Which mom would go on a vacation leaving behind a three year old kid?
CG: I don’t see a ring on his finger. I think you’re right!
Me: Look at the kid. That guy is letting her play with the iPad. He’s not too concerned about her smearing the screen with food. Looks like he’s overlooking that because he doesn’t want to scold her!
CG: Because he gets to spend only a limited time with her! Makes sense!
Me: The kid’s being fussy and he’s letting her get away with it. Yup, divorced dad who’s spending some quality time with his daughter.
CG: Awesome! It all fits now! A middle aged, well to do executive spending some time with his daughter. We’re so AWESOME!
Me: Oh yeah! High Five!
*High fives are exchanged*
A few minutes later, a similarly dressed gentleman, though more effeminate looking, walks in. He goes to the same table as the middle aged guy, hugs him and they exchange kisses. After that he picks ups the kid and places her on his lap. The kid hugs him back and says ‘Daddy!’.
CG: Well, we didn’t think of that.
Me: Yeah, that was a possibility. Damn, we’re not smart after all.
CG: Maybe, it’s the beer?
MS: No shit, geniuses!
Overheard at the local Quiznos.
Boy – 19 years old. Busy fiddling with his Iphone.
Girl – Probably the same age. Busy playing with her hair.
Boy: Hey, did I tell you that there’s this new chick who’s after me?
Girl: Who’s that?
Boy: That girl from my class, Blah Blah.
Girl: Oh her? Really?
Boy: I don’t really like her. See her pic. She’s got a fat nose.
Girl: Yeah dude, she’s got no class.
Boy: Check out this girl. She’s interested in me too. And so is this one.
Girl: Wow, Chick #3 is hot.
Boy: Yeah, but I like them both. May I can date them both.
Girl: Yeah, you could do that. Sounds like fun.
Boy: Also did I tell you that I went to this club yesterday and the bouncers thought that I was 28.
Girl: Hehehe. So stupid those bouncer people are!
Boy: Yeah man, I was like, ‘no way man! I’m 19! But they wouldn’t believe me.
Girl: Awwww, you poor thing.
Boy: Maybe because I’m so tall and good looking, they thought that I was older.
Girl: Totally! I can see that. Hehehehehe!
Me: Morons! F!@#ing Morons! KMN!
Recently, the whole gang was chilling at my place and one my friends, PBA was showing us this new app he had downloaded on his iPhone.
PBA: Guys! Check out this app! It tells you awesome dares that you can perform!
CG: Read one out!
PBA: Squeeze a woman’s boobs for atleast 10 secs. If you’re a woman, then you can squeeze your own boobs.
Me: Sweet! Me likey!
CG looks at me.
CG: Dude, you’ve got your work cutout for you. You can squeeze your man-boobs!
Everyone is on the floor laughing.