Sh*T I (Allegedly) Say…

After a survey, here’s a compiled list things I say after five (or more) rounds of whiskey.

In no particular order:

When meeting a friend after a long time:

Me: Dude!

Friend: Yeah?

Me: Why don’t you come over more often? 

Friend: Haven’t you heard?

Me: What?

Friend: Distance makes the heart grow fonder!

Me: Bullsh*t! Distance makes the wrists grow stronger!

Friend: Is it?

Me: Totally!

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When everyone is dancing to ghati songs at 3 am:

Me: What is wrong with everyone?

Everyone: Come join us!

Me: No way!

Everyone: C’mon, it’s fun!

Me: I’m going to disown you all!

Everyone: Eh? 

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When an acquaintance is trying to chat up my gf:

Me: Bro!

Him: Yeah?

Me: Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro!

Him: WHAT?!?

Me: Bro, you’re barking up the wrong tree, bro…

Him: #facepalm!

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Taking control of the music at a party:

Everyone: Dude! Play some Trap music man! 

Me: How about no?

Everyone: C’mon! Don’t spoil the party!

Me: How about I educate you all on good music?

Everyone: Dude, please! Play that song!

Me: Oh my god! Look at the no. of f***s I give!

Everyone: Oh lord…..

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With a random hottie at a club:

Hottie: Hi!

Me: Hey!

Hottie: Can I dance with your friend (female)?

Me: Sure thing baby. Whatever gets your motor running!

Hottie: 😉

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Frequent phrases also include:

  • No shit, Sherlock!
  • Totally, bro!
  • Whatever helps you sleep at night. 
  • How about no? 
  • F***tard! 
  • C***!
  • C**** ka baal!
  • Riiiiiiiiight….

To be continued…..

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The Internet Footprint!

Chatting with Le Gf on a Sunday.

Le Gf: Dude!

Me: Yeah?

Le Gf: Last night you were pretty drunk!

Me: Was I?

Le Gf: Yeah, you had a lot to drink!

Me: Hmmmm…. I see…

Le Gf: And then you kept on saying random things!

Me: Like? When?

Le Gf: When all us of us were dancing to ghati music, you realized that you were the only one who wasn’t grooving to it, you started telling all of us that “You don’t know us” and “You’ll disown us”!

Me: Really?

Le Gf: Yup! Very much!

Me: I did remember saying something that, but I’m sure that I wasn’t during that party!

Le Gf: Nope, it was last night!

Me: I doubt that!

Le Gf: Dude! Trust me, you were drunk as hell!

Me: I remember tweeting something. Wait…

*Check my Twitter handle*

 

 Me: Ummmmm,  so yeah…. It was last night… 

Le Gf: Told you so!

Me: #fml!

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He’s A Gentleman, Bro…

At a house warming party.

Drunk Dude: Dude!

Me: Yeah?

Drunk Dude: Is that a pen in your pocket? 

Me: Errrrr, yes?

Drunk Dude: That’s so cool!

Me: Really?

Drunk Dude: Yeah man!

Me: Alright…

Drunk Dude: Can I like, see it?

Me: Sure…..

*I give him my pen*

Drunk Dude: So cool bro!

*A chick enters the scene*

Chick: What are you guys talking about?

Drunk Dude: This guy carries a pen with him! That’s so cool!

Chick: That’s nothing! He also carries a handkerchief at all times! 

Drunk Dude: Like really?

Me: Errr, yes!

Drunk Dude: That’s so awesome! So old fashioned! 

Chick: He’s such a gentleman no?

Drunk Dude: Totally!

Me: #facepalm! 

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Cocky Me, Not So Cocky You!

I’ve been told that on numerous occasions that, at times, after a few rounds of booze I can be a big dic male genitalia.

Scene #1

PBA: Dude!

Me: What?

PBA: I’ve removed you from my friends list on Facebook!

Me: Really? Since when?

PBA: A few months back!

Me: Ah ok….
PBA: Because you’re an assh*le at times.

Me: Alright fine…

PBA: Hmmm…

Me: For the record, I never noticed because I don’t follow you on Facebook!

PBA: !@#!@!

Me: Touche!

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Scene #2

On my parents anniversary.

Mom: Where’s our gift?

Me: What gift?

Mom: Our anniversary gift!

Me: Ah ok…

Mom: What ok? Where is it?

Me: You’ll get it soon.

Mom: How soon is soon?

Me: Soon!

Mom: You never get us anything!

Me: I’m staying with you all no? What greater gift can it be?!

Mom: *#$%!

Me: 😀

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Scene #3

After a night of debauchery.

Me: Dude!

TM: What?

Me: Your friend ZB is such an ass! He was f***ing up my entire trip last night!

TM: So?

Me: Jeez! So get don’t get him to my place anymore!

TM: Why?

Me: Because he’s such a prick!

TM: No, you’re just pissed off because you just met someone who’s equally cocky as you!

Me: Nothing like that!
TM: The taste of your own medicine sucks, doesn’t it? 😛

Me: F*** Off!

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Anything Goes!

At a house party.

Me: Dude!

Friend: Yeah?

Me: Who’s that cute chick standing by the fridge?

Friend: Who? Her? That’s Blah!

Me: Sweet. What a lovely name!

Friend: You really find her cute?

Me: Yeah man! She’s really cute!

Friend: Interesting!

Me: Give me an intro!

Friend: No way!

Me: Why not?

Friend: She’s not your type!

Me: What do you mean by “she’s not my type”?

Friend: How can I explain it to you?

Me: Try me!

Friend: Dude, she’s not your type, ok?

Me: What do you mean that she’s not my type!? She’s a chick! Chicks are my type, ok?

Friend: Oh god… #Facepalm!

Me: So….. Intro?

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God Save My Liver…

Overhead from every other party.

Time: 8 pm

Booze: 1 peg down

Music: Pumped Up Kicks

“People, let’s start drinking!”

“I had a rough week at work!”

“The weekend couldn’t have come sooner”

Time: 9 pm

Booze: 2 pegs down

Music: Thrift Shop

“Man, the Indian Cricket team is so sucky!”

“I can’t believe Mallya paid 14 crores for Yuvraj Singh!”

“You think Aresenal is going to win this season?”

Time: 10 pm

Booze: 3 pegs down

Music: Moves Like Jagger

“Dude, what was Kejriwal thinking?”

“The roads in Bangalore are so shitty!”

“Have you seen the new Aventador? That rich bugger just bought it!”

Time: 11 pm

Booze: 4 pegs down

Music: Bangarang

“Dude, this whisky is really good!”

“Man, the drop in this song is maaaaaad!”

“We should go to Sunburn man!”

Time: 12 am

Booze: 5 pegs down

Music: Sexy Bitch

“Why aren’t we dancing dude?!!”

“Oops, I dropped my glass!”

“I’m not drunk okay!!”

Time: 1 am

Booze: 6 pegs down

Music: I’m Sexy And I Know It

“Maybe we should eat something?”

“I’ve a sexy business idea! All I need is capital!”

“Dude, the power shortage is a big political conspiracy!”

Time: 2 am

Booze: 7 pegs down

Music: Gangnam Style

“Maybe we should order some food?”

“Dude, that guy is like goooooone!”

“Yeah man, my capacity is like huge!”

Time: 3 am

Booze: 8 pegs down

Music: Angreji Beat

“Check out my moonwalk dude!”

“Dude, I still love her dude!”

“Dude, we should totally quit our jobs and start up!”

Time: 4 am

Booze: 9 pegs down

Music: Hawa Hawai

“Dude! We’re out of mixing! F*** it, I’ll drink it neat!”

“I’m gonna beat up that guy! He’s acting too cocky”

“Dude, I gotta confess something”

Time: 5 am

Booze: 10 pegs down

Music: Tu Cheez Badi Hai Mast Mast

“Let’s go the terrace!”

“Maybe we should eat something?”

“Man, I love ghati music!”

Time: 6 am

Booze: 11 pegs down

Music: Gandi Baat

“Let’s do Jaeger Bombs!:

“Dude! Is that the sun in the horizon?”

“I’m not drunk at all!”

Time: 7 am

Booze: 12 pegs down

Music: Chikni Chameli

“Let’s do push ups!”

“Food? Anyone? We should just have breakfast now!”

“I can totally do the moonwalk like MJ!”

Time: 8 am

Booze: 13 pegs down

Music: Isspidermen Isspidermen

“Oh god, I have office tomorrow!”

“Why don’t we have anymore booze?!”

“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……!”

“13 is a very odd number. Let’s have another peg to make it even!”

And people wonder why I look so tired on a Monday.

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The Party Planner

A house party is going on at my place. Everyone’s happy, everyone’s drunk and some people are *gone*.

*AV walks upto me*

AV: Hey man!

Me: ‘Sup?

AV: Listen up, next weekend, party at AS’s place.

Me: That’s awesome!

AV: I know. It’s gonna be epic! AS doesn’t know about it yet!

Me: Hahaha! 

*AV walks upto another friend*

AV: Hey man!

Friend #1: Yeah?

AV: Listen up, next weekend, party at AS’s place.

Friend #1: Cool!

AV: It’s gonna be epic! AS doesn’t know about it yet!

Friend #1: Awesome!

*And then to another friend*

AV: Hey man!

Friend #2: AV! What’s up bro?

AV: Listen up, next weekend, party at AS’s place.

Friend #2: F***ing sexy!

AV: It’s gonna be epic! AS doesn’t know about it yet!

Friend #2: Sweet!

*This keeps on repeating till he’s talked to everyone present at the party*

*Finally walks up to AS*

AV: Hey dude!

AS: Hey AV!

AV: Listen up next week, there’s a party at AS’s place! It’s gonna be awesome. Don’t ask him though……. Sh*t!

AS: Uh huh….Go on…

AV: Oh sh*t!

AS: Yeah…..

*AV flees from the hall*

AS: F***ing hell! 

 

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