Stalkers Extreme!!!

Day: Saturday Night

Location: Parents room

Scene: Ironing my clothes


Me: Mom, Dad. I’d thought, let you know that I’m dating someone.

*Mom sits up straight*

Mom: Really?

Me: Yes.

Mom: Great! I don’t have to find a bride for you!

Me: Errrrr, yes….

Mom: What’s her name?

Me: *******.

Mom: Where’s she from? 

Me: Hyderabad.

Mom: Gulti?

Me: Not exactly. Half gulti, quarter tamil and quarter bengali.

Mom: Jeez, all your girlfriends are such rare specimens no?

Me: Ummmmm….

Mom: Does she have a last name or does she have a string of initials like A.B.C.D *******? 

Me: She’s got a last name. 

Mom: Can she speak bengali?

Me: I guess she can understand but not speak.

Mom: Fine, teach her bengali before you marry her. Then I can communicate with her easily.

Me: Jeez…. I’m out of here!

*After five minutes, I go back into that room*

*Dad is on his iphone and mom on her laptop*

Dad: Does she work in ****** ****** ******? (Worlds second largest spirits brand).

Me: What? You googled her?

Dad: Yeah… We wanted to put a face to that name. 

Mom: This is her facebook profile, right? 

Dad: Her linkedin profile looks good! 

Me: Oh god…. Tell me that this is not happening!

Mom: What is this company? 

Dad: Spirits. As in they sell alcohol. 

Mom: Oh, that’s why you’re dating her?

Me: Eh?

Mom: So if she leaves that job, you’re going to break up with her, right? 

Me: Oh god! What fresh hell is this? 



Face Off/On!

At JK’s place.

Me: You know, I’m thinking of picking up a wireless charging plate for my phone.

JK: Dude! It’s a waste of money!

Me: I’m going buy it, just like that.

JK: Dude! You can’t charge the phone and talk simultaneously! And the phone needs to placed on the charging plate for it to charge!

Me: Yeah, I know!

JK: Then why do you want to buy it?

Me: Because I want to!

JK: Jeez, are you rolling in money?

Me: Maybe?

JK: Do you have some sort of a side business happening?  

Me: Why?

JK: Dude! Tell me!

Me: There’s nothing to tell!

JK: Mere maathe pe chutiya likha hai na? (My face has stupid written all over it, isn’t?)

Me: Pretty much, yeah!

JK: C%^&#!


Who’s Your Daddy?

My dad was coaxing me to buy an iPhone 5s instead of a Nexus 5.

Dad: See, the Apple App Store is very tightly controlled. There are no shady apps!

Me: Ok…

Dad: Android being open source, there are chances that there might be bogus apps with trojan in them.

Me: But it’s 32,000/- for the Nexus 5 and 60,000/- for the iPhone 5s!

Dad: It’s worth it! It’s an Apple product!

Me: Haan! Paisa mera baap dega na? (Yeah, my dad’s gonna pay it for it, isn’t it?)

Dad: Eh…?  

Me: Yeah, I don’t think that was the smartest thing to say….




PS: Just bought a Nexus 5! Yeah! FTW!

Big Round Ones!

Time: 10:30 pm

Location: Hall

Scene: The three of us are just back from work, all stressed out. We started watching The Other Guys on UTV Action.

*Allen and Terry have just accepted the first bribe from Ershon. They go to a basketball game and while leaving, Brooke Shields tells Allen, ‘Call me’*

Me: Whoa! Did you see who that was?

MS: Who?

Me: That chick man! That hottie!

CG: Who?

Me: Dude! The one who comes on Entourage. She acts in a movie with Drama and when he’s hugging her, he gets hard!

MS: Oh yeah….He’s playing her brother or something right? 

Me: Yup! She comes in The Blue Lagoon as well!

CG: Oh really?

Me: Yeah man…..

MS: Does she come in NFS?

Me: No man. That’s someone else!

MS: Hmmmmm….

Me: Oh wait! That’s Brooke Shields!

MS: Brooke Shields?

Me: Yeah!

MS: Who comes in NFS then?

Me: You mean NFS Underground 2?

MS: Yeah!

Me: That’s Brooke Burke!

MS: Really? Hmmmmmm….. Don’t we have someone in India called Shields as well?

Me: Yeah, Aruna Shields!

MS: Hahahaha… Yeah!

CG: Who’s she?

Me: Some B-Grade actress…

MS: There’s another Brooke no?

Me: Who?

MS: I don’t know… Wait! Kelly Brook!

Me: Oh yeah!

MS: What does she come in?

Me: Three / Survivor Island!

MS: Doesn’t ring a bell.

Me: Shes gets stranded on an island with the ship cook and keeps on banging him. Lots of *action* scenes and shots of her lovely tits!

MS: Nice…. She’s got a nice pair right?

Me: Oh yeah…. Au naturale…

CG: Wait! Let me google her…

*CG takes out his Sony Xperia S and googles her*

CG: Holy crap! Look at her tits!

Me & MS: Yeah….. Nice right?

CG: Man, I could rest between her boobs and lie there forever!

MS: Of course you do! You’re a man! You’ve got urges!

CG: Thank god my laptop is repaired! The fap station is BACK!

Me: Hahahahaha! F*** off!


faf meme gif

PS: After we finished leching at Kelly Brooke, we proceeded to Keely Hazell, Lucy Pinder and finally Denise Milani. It was a good day for mankind.

The Day I Lost Her, Forever….

This is how I remembered it.


Time: 8 pm, 4th August.

Venue: Soundawake Festival


The Shapeshifters were on stage and they were killing it. I was there with NM, pleasantly high and 0% alcohol in my blood. The crowd was in the zone, dancing away in the midst of all the fireworks and light effects.

NM suggested that we go to the counter for some booze, I agreed. I walked behind him. He had coupons with him already, so he headed straight to the alcohol counter, I on the other hand, headed straight to the coupon counter.

The line wasn’t long, but it was crowded. People were shoving each other and the guys at the counter were taking their own sweet time. They scanned an RIFD card every time you brought coupons. That got converted into loyalty points, which you could redeem for goodies. Anyhow, back to my story. I reached the crowded counter and found myself sandwiched between two gorgeous women. I didn’t mind, they were gorgeous after all, but my main focus was to get my coupons.

The line didn’t move for a while and people got impatient. There was some jostling from the back, I didn’t mind though. Jostling meant that the gorgeous chick would press her body towards mine, and who am I to say no to that? Soon it was my turn, I reached the counter, waved three hundred rupee notes and asked for the coupons for the same denomination. The transaction was completed in a flash and I was out of there in a jiffy. I walked a few step steps towards the booze counter and I froze in my tracks.

My left pocket was EMPTY!

I couldn’t believe it! I ran my hands though all the pockets of my cargo shorts and there was nothing. My phone was gone! Instantly, I ran towards the coupon counter and looked at the ground there, hoping that the phone had slipped out from my pocket and it was still lying there. But no, there was no sign of the phone. I walked up to the counter and asked the personnel over there whether someone had kept a phone on the counter, saying that they found it on the ground. They answered in negative.

My heart was beating fast, my forehead – sweaty. Even in the chilly Bangalore wind, I was beginning to feel hot. Ideas was flowing fast through my mind.

“Where’s NM? Maybe he can call up my phone!”

“What if I can’t find NM, should I meet him by the car after the show?”

“Could I track the phone using IMEI number?”

“How can I lose a phone? It’s so not me!”

And finally, “I should retrace my steps!”


I retraced my steps all the way to the main arena where the show was on a flow. Every one was dancing, drinking, clicking pictures, oblivious to me, almost on my knees and searching on the ground. I had walked back and forth twice and there wasn’t my sign of my phone.

I couldn’t believe that it was happening to me. It was a Google Nexus 4, which means that I brought directly from the Google Play Store, hence no insurance coverage. I was not sure what to do. To make things worse, I had no idea where NM was.

I just stood there, my feet rooted to the spot, until someone tapped on my shoulders. I turned around to see that it was NM. NM had been standing near me for a while and noticed that I was behaving in a weird manner. “What happened dude?”, he asked. “I…..I lost my phone man”, was response. NM had a shocked look on his face, “Are you f***ing kidding me? How? What? Where? When?”. “I’m not too sure, I was at the counter when I still had the phone with me. After I left the counter, my pocket my empty! I don’t know what to do! I checked everywhere!”. I was almost in a state of breakdown. “Just relax dude, here take phone and call your phone”, NM suggested. I did just that, “Shit! Switched off! The f***er who took my phone is smart!”. “Wanna walk around the path and see if you’ve dropped it?”. At that point, every stupid idea seemed like a ray of hope.

The dance floor had reached it’s peak by then. People were jumping, dancing, moshing even. In the midst of all that I was searching the floor with the flashlight on NM’s phone. A couple kids saw us and walked up to us. “Wassup bro? Lost something?”, they asked. “Yeah, dude… My phone”. “Holy F**! What phone dude?”. “The Nexus 4”. “Oh..My God! Shit! Tough luck bro! How’d it happen?”.“Not sure, maybe it slipped out of my pocket or someone flicked it from my pocket. Either ways, it’s gone”, I wasn’t sure why I even bothered to tell them the whole story. It’s not like they could help me in any way.

We must have spent around thirty odd minutes, combing through the arena. Or at least the part of the arena where I was. The whole arena was humongous. In the midst of all that, I started laughing. “I can’t believe this! Out of all the people, who could lose a phone, it HAD to be me!”. “Relax bro, shit happens. Wanna grab a drink?”, NM asked.

Me: Sure, why not?

NM: A beer?

Me: F*** the beer. Get me some hard liquor!

NM: That’s what I’m talking about!

*After about a half hour*

NM: You know what?

Me: What?

NM: You should write about this in your blog.

Me: Sure, why not?

NM: Hahaha! That’s the spirit.





This is a compilation, since these are all one liners.


Scene #1: Talking to a new colleague

Me: Hey! Found your way to the office fine?

Him: Yeah! It’s very easy. I saw the route on Google Maps.

Me: Oh cool.

Him: I didn’t know that Bangalore is like America!

Me: Huh..? What?

Him: Yeah, see it’s all blocks and crosses! 1st Block..2nd Block…1st Cross..2nd Cross..  Just like in America!

Me: Errrrr….Sure…




Scene #2: I’m at a mobile shop

Me: Hey! Do you have a screen guard for the Nexus 4?

Shop Guy: Which model is this?

Me: Errrr… Nexus 4.

Shop Guy: Huh? Show me the phone!

Me: Here.

*I give him my phone*

*He fiddles around it for 5 mins! I swear he was looking for porn*

Shop Guy: Oh.. This model is Nexus 4.

Me: No sh*t!




Scene #3: Me asking my crush out

Me: Hey…. I was wondering, if you wanna go out with me..?

Girl: Yeah! Sure! Where?

Me: Errrrr…. Nevermind!