Things People Say And All…

Le Gf and I were watching the re-run of the 2015 Grammy Awards.

Me: You know, Sam Smith won four Grammy awards today!

Le Gf: Who’s Sam Smith?

Me: You don’t know him?

Le Gf: No…

Me: He’s this gay singer…

*Le Gf shoots me a look that said*

“How could you say that?”

“You think you’re better than everyone else?”

“Just because you don’t like someone’s music, that means that they’re gay?”

“You think you have a better taste in music than everyone else?”

“You are so judgmental!”

“How could you be so intolerant?”

“Who are you to decide what music genre is “cool”?”

“Jeez, you’re so condescending!”  

*What she actually said*

Le Gf: Hmmmm… Okay…

*Sam Smith comes on stage*

Sam Smith: I want to thank the man who this record is about, who I fell in love with last year…. By breaking my heart, you got me four Grammys.

Le Gf: So…. He’s actually gay….?

Me: Yeah… That’s what I said, he’s a gay singer…

Le Gf: No.. Yes… I heard that… I just thought that you were being….

Me: Nasty? Profiling? Intolerant?

Le Gf: Errrr….

Me: Jeez….

Le Gf: My bad….

 

adele shit happens

East or West, Marry First!

My team was out for a coffee break when the office creep decided to join us. For some reason we started talking about homosexuality.

Colleague: So OC, you’re gay right?

OC: NO! I’M NOT!

Colleague: You sure?

OC: YES!

Colleague: But you like lesbian porn?

OC: Yes!

Me: Isn’t that double standards?

OC: How so?

Me: You don’t like gay men but you like lesbian porn.

OC: That’s correct.

Colleague: You know that chick, RL. The one who works in our office?

OC: Yeah…

Colleague: She’s a lesbian. She sleeps with other women.

OC: That’s wrong!

Colleague: Uh…Huh… Because they aren’t married?

OC: Yes! Also pre-marital sex is wrong!

Colleague: Because?

OC: It’s wrong to have to sex before marriage

Me: So, if you a beautiful girl walks upto you and says that she wants to sleep with you, you’ll say no to her?

OC: I’ll marry her first and then have sex with her.

Colleague: Why would she marry you in the first place?

OC: Because after marriage, I’ll sign over my bank account and property in her name.

Me: So basically you’ll luring her with money… Like prostitution?

OC: No, how’s this prostitution?

Me: Because, you’re telling her that you’ll give her money if she sleeps with you!

OC: But I’m marrying her no!

Colleague: What if, she sleeps you and then disappears the next day?

OC (scoffing): Like that will ever happen!

Colleague: If it does, then what?

OC: It’s fine, as long as she has sex with me.

Everyone: Jeez! So if it just boils down to sex, you might as well sleep with girls without marrying them!

OC: No, I’ll NOT have sex before marriage.

Me: You know why we call you the office creep right?

OC: Errrrr….. 

Troll-Face-Dancing

Boy Or Girl, We Want A Marriage!

The topic of my marriage seems to be on everyone’s lips. Not exactly sure why, but everyone around me is more interested in getting me married than me.

Recently CR got married and so did another guy in my family friends circle and both of them are younger to me. At CR’s engagement ceremony, all the aunties caught hold of me. The aunties whom I know, are more shameless than roadside romeos.

Aunty #1: So dude, when are you getting married?

Mom: Married? He’s least interested. All he wants to do his loaf around with girls!

Me: Mom!

Aunty #2: That’s not good! You have to settle down!

Aunty #3: How old are you now!

Me: Only 26!

Aunty #1: CR and RD are both 25 and both of them are getting married later this month!

Me: So?

Aunty #2: So you should get married next year!

Aunty #3: Then we’ll have another fancy engagement party!

*All aunties high five each other*

Me: #FML!

Aunty #2: So do you have a girlfriend?

Me: Errrr… No…

Aunty #1: Or a girl in mind?

Me: Ummmmm, no….

Aunty #2: What is this? You need to start searching asap!

Me: Yeah yeah, soon!

Aunty #3: Fine, if not a girl, then any boyfriend?

Me: What!?

Aunty #1: It fine with us if you’re gay! We’re all cool with that!

Aunty #2: Yeah, we’ll still give a proper Bengali marriage as soon as we figure out who’s going to be the male and the female in the marriage!

*All aunties high five each other once again*

Me: Oh, lord. What fresh hell is this..!?

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Keep Your Hands To Yourself!

NK, CG and I were chatting about the various occasions on which MS had got random drunk people to our apartment. Yes, it’s creepy and dangerous but MS did it anyway and he always had an excuse for it.

Me: Remember that time when he had got some DJ home? That was awkward!

CG: Yeah, that guy was so stoned!

NK: This is creepy man!

Me: Nothing tops the time, when he had got three drunk gay guys home!

NK: Seriously?!!!

CG: Yup! And they weren’t the classy types who would compliment you on your clothes. These ones were more like, ‘Hey, wanna bang?’ types!

NK: Sh*t! But why did he get them home?

Me: Well, apparently he was depressed and he went to a local bar to down a couple of pegs. The next table had those three guys and they were chatting in Tamil. So MS understood their jokes and started drinking them and then invited them home for some more drinks.

NK: Whoa….Crazy… How’d you know that those guys were gay?

Me: Well, they were planning to leave but MS insisted that they stay the night. After that one of them asked him if he would be interested in a threesome.

NK: Then….?

Me: Then MS politely refused and said that though he respected gay people, he wasn’t interested in having sex with men.

NK: Creepy sh*t I tell you… Creepy sh*t!

Me: Imagine my horror! I has just gone to bed and I got a text from MS saying:

Dude, bolt your room door. Those guys sleeping outside are gay.

Me: I was like, ‘Dafaq was he thinking!’. Anyways, those guys left early in the morning. Nothing happened, but it was some crazy experience. 

NK: Yeah….. But you guys are lucky you know. At least, gay guys ask you if you’re interested. Lesbians….Man they just grope!

Me: Say what.?

NK: Lesbians man! If they get into a crowd, they grope women!

Me: No way! Really?

NK: I’ve got my a** grabbed a couple of times by lesbians!

Me: Oh…..My…..God! That’s…So….Wonderful!

NK: Ehhhhhhh….. One pervert only you are!

 

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Curb Your Enthusiasm!

SP calls me up.

SP: Dude! Wassup!

Me: Hey, long time! How’s you?

SP: I’m good. Guess what?

Me: What?

SP: I’m coming to Bangalore this weekend!

Me: Awesome! Let’s party!

SP: Yeah! How’s CG?

Me: He’s good too!

SP: So are you guys lovers yet?

Me: Say what? 

SP: Are you both gay for each other yet?

Me: Huh? What? Why?

SP: Well, I want a gay couple friend! To talk about stuff like nail polish and fashion and boy stuff! 

Me: So find a genuine gay couple! 

SP: I don’t know any!

Me: You live in ********! Doesn’t the city have a sizable gay population? Besides they have a Gay Pride Parade every other month. Why don’t you go for that? You could meet a couple there!

SP: Yeah, but if some lesbian takes a fancy to me and starts feeling me up?

Me: Oh dear lord. That won’t happen!

SP: How’d you know? Besides, CG and you are my two most favorite people in the world. And if you both were gay then it’ll be awesome!

Me: Riiiiiiight!

 SP: C’mon! For me! Pretty please! 

Me: Errrrrrrr, this conversation never happened! 

picard facepalm meme 4chan lol wtf

Oops, You Did It Again…. And Again!

Like most men, LKB loved checking out women. Unlike most men, he felt the need to comment loudly and get everyone around him to participate as well. As you can imagine, in most cases that didn’t go well for LKB.

Scenario #1

*LKB, AJ and I were sitting in the college cafeteria. CJ, a voluptuous buxom babe, passes by our table*

LKB: Man, look at that a**!

AJ: Ummmm…

LKB: Don’t you love an a** like that?

AJ: Errrr…

LKB: Man, the things I’d to that a**! Oh yeah, I would smack it and watch it wobble and smack it some more!

*At this point LKB starts smacking an imaginary butt while signing Akon‘s Smack That*

AJ: Dude! Stop that!

LKB: C’mon! An a** that fine, you gotta smack it. I mean, you must be like super gay, not to smack that a**!

AJ: You do realize that CJ is my sister? 

LKB: Errrrr…. Ummmm….

AJ: F^&*ing C&*#! 

Me: Hahahaha….! LKB does it again! 

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Scenario #2

*LKB, BK and I were at the bus stop, waiting for the college bus*

LKB: See that new chick at our stop? She’s ugly man!

Me: Uh..huh..

LKB: She’s so ugly, even Quasimodo wouldn’t date her! 

Me: Hahaha…

LKB: She’s so ugly that the only way she’ll get laid, is that she’s with a blind guy! 

Me: Good lord!

LKB: She’s so ugly, she can go to a Halloween party without a costume!

Me: Hahahaha…

*BK smacks LKB on the back of his head*

BK: That’s my sister, you dumb f%^&!

Me: Hahahahaha….

LKB: You knew it all along, didn’t you?

Me: Yup!

LKB: Why didn’t you tell me anything?

Me: I wanted to see you get smacked on the back of your head! 😀

LKB: F@#$ Off!

tricko-tobey-maguire-funny-face-200x200

 Scenario #3

*LKB, RK and I were at the beach*

LKB: See that bike parked there?

Me: Yeah?

LKB: That’s a sh*tty bike!

Me: Uh..huh..

LKB: My winged rider is waaaaay better than that piece of crap!

Me: Uh…huh..

LKB: That bike is so crap, that it makes an auto rickshaw look like an Harley Davidson!

Me: Too much!

RK: Knock it off! That’s my bike!

LKB: I know! 😛 

bitch-please-rage-face