The Thing About Food…

*At office, working on a client project*

Me: Listen, use this picture for the Facebook post for today…

Colleague: I don’t think it’s a smart idea…

Me: Why not?

Colleague: Because the picture isn’t clear…

Me: What you talking about? It’s a hi-def picture with smiling kids.. What more do you want?

Colleague: Yeah… But the plates in front of them is very shiny, it looks very shiny because of the flash…

Me: That’s fine…. Use some nice Instagram like filter… Did you know that they have recommendation for which filter to use which talking pictures of food, so that your food looks sexy? 

Colleague: Yeah… I’ve read that…

Me: So go ahead…

Colleague: But the picture doesn’t have straight food!!!

Me: As opposed to gay food? 

Colleague: Ummmm….?

Me: Yeah….. That’s what I thought… Now upload that pic!

Colleague: Sigh… Fine….

*Victory*

*Sometimes I think that I should become a full time copywriter*

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So Colorful!

I had to share this. This was when Le Gf and I had just started dating. We met for lunch one day during the week and decided to go to Adyar Ananda Bhavan, our neighborhood friendly high-class-vegetarian-food. Yes, that’s a thing down south.

Me: What do you wanna eat?

Le Gf: Anything… Whatever you’re ordering.

Me: Sure?

Le Gf: Yeah…

Me: I’m ordering a mini meals…

Le Gf: Go ahead, order one for me as well…

Me: Alright…

*The food appears after sometime*

Me: Here we go! I’m famished! 

Le Gf: WTF is this sh*t?

Me: Eh?

Le Gf: Like seriously? 

Me: What? 

Le Gf: What’s this sh*t on my plate?

Me: That’s sambhar rice, tamarind rice, lemon rice and curd rice…

Le Gf: Yuck… Yuck… Yuck… Yuck and definitely yuck!

Me: Why, what’s wrong?

Le Gf: I hate all of this!

Me: How could you hate it?

Le Gf: This is yellow puke, brown puke, another shade of yellow puke and white puke…

Me: If you didn’t like it, then why did you order it?

Le Gf: Because you ordered it...

Me: So?

Le Gf: I thought you had good taste….

Me: Eh?

Le Gf: I thought that you were cool…

Me: WTF?

Le Gf: Sigh…

Me: #FML

jack black wtf

 

 

No Country For Vegetarians

On my birthday, I treat I’m forced to treat my friends. The difference being, instead of taking them out to a pub, I get to call them home and treat them to delicious home cooked meal. My mom is a great f***ing awesome cook. And my friends love her cooking as well.

On one such occasion.

Me: Ma, I need to treat my friends for my birthday. 

Mom: Alright, no problem. But you need to do all the shopping.

Me: Sure. I’ll take take of that.

Mom: So, who are all coming? 

Me: The usual gang, plus MS and CG.

Mom: Alright. What dishes do you want me to make. 

Me: Same thing that you make every year. Biriyani, mutton, chicken, prawn and fish fry. 

Mom: Phew, that’s a relief!

Me: And paneer and gobi (cauliflower) for CG and MS.

Mom: Why especially for them?

Me: Because they are vegetarians..

Mom: Omg, now I have to cook for them too.  Extra work for me. 

Me: Big deal. It’s just two dishes.

Mom: No. I’ll have to make dal and something dry as well. It’s not like they can eat the……. Oh wait, now I have make veg pulao for them too!

Me: Or just plain rice?

Mom: Nah, that won’t look good… You know that, don’t call them. Simple.

Me: Hahahahaha! Right!

Mom: I’m serious…

Me: Errrr…..

*Later that week*

CG: Hey! When’s your birthday treat?

Me: Ummmmm…. Not happening..

CG Why not?!

Me: Logistical issues.

CG: Like what?

Me: My mom doesn’t wanna cook vegetarian food, so…..

CG: Say what? No vegetarian food? This is OUTRAGEOUS!

Me: Errrrrr…..

CG: VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

rageface

 

Photo courtesy: Micheal Murphy.

Some Like It Hot!

I was at a local South Indian restaurant. Since I live in Bangalore, these restaurants are referred to as Dakshina Sagars. Or something like that.

Two PYT’s with their bf’s enter. (Surprise surprise)

BF #1: What do you guys want?

BF #2: I’ll have a lime juice!

PYT #1: Ummmmm, I’d like a coffee..

BF #1: Coffee? Here?

PYT #1: Yeah…. I want something hot..

Cashier: Masala Dosa is hot….

Me: Hahahaha… Good one!

*Cashier and I exchange smiles* (It wasn’t gay as it hints. No Brokeback Mountain stuff)

BF #1: Whatever!

Me: Don’t be hating. That was hilarious!

BF #1: Whatever!

Me: 😀

 

bitch please

The Tambrahm Fridge Quandary

Recently I came across this post on Tambrahm Rage.

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I laughed my a** off after reading this post. Little did I realize that I’d soon feel the wrath of a Tambrahm!

Soon after moving into our new place, CG, MS and I decided to get a fridge and that was done within a month. I knew that since we had a fridge, I could order excess food and put the leftovers in the fridge for the next day. Unfortunately, my Tambrahm roomie, MS had other plans.

One day, I had ordered some chicken and after dinner MS asked me what to do with the left over chicken.

MS: Hey, what do you want me to do with the left over?

Me: Put in the fridge.

MS: What? Put it in the fridge?

Me: Yeah..

MS: Are you mad? Who puts food into the fridge?

Me: Ummmm…. Everyone with a fridge?

MS: Man, I’m not gonna put it in the fridge, it’s going to stink up the whole fridge!

Me: Seesh, fine throw it.

MS: Ummmmm, Ok…

*MS comes back to me after a few mins*

MS: Hey man, I kept the chicken in the fridge. Don’t take offence to what I said earlier.

Me: Yeah, it’s cool.

MS: I’m not used to putting food back in the fridge. I rather finish the whole thing off.

Me: Ok…

MS: You see, in a Tambrahm household, we usually use the fridge only for storing milk, yogurt, cold water, flowers, fruits and vegetables.

Me: Alright.

MS: We don’t put food in the fridge because it stinks up the fridge. 

Me: Uh..huh..

MS: In fact, we never make extra food or order excess food. We make the exact amount of food needed. 

Me: Uh..huh…

MS: If we’re short of food, we make fresh food before eating. 

Me: Uh..huh…

MS: And if there’s extra food we give it our maid or some poor homeless people near our house. 

Me: Uh..huh…

MS: In fact I love hot, freshly made food. 

Me: Uh…huh…

MS: If I’m eating roti, I always take a hot roti only when I’ve finished the one on my plate. I don’t like piling them on my plate. 

Me: Uh…huh..

MS: Also, I never take excess gravy on my plate because…

Me: Dude! Please stop talking! I get it! You like fresh food! 

MS: Yeah, I was just..

Me: Dude, I’ve got a headache right now.

MS: Errrrrr….

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Stahp Right There!!!

Meet my friend BV. Most people who’d meet him, would describe him as a moron. But not me, no sire no. I was always intrigued by his child-like sense of wonder and always pondered whether or not he was dropped on the head as a child.

Scene #1

BV: What’s with that you’ve got with your roti?

Me: That’s a lemon wedge.

BV: Why you have that? 

Me: To mix it with dal.

BV: Why?

Me: Because it tastes good.

BV: Why?

Me: Errrr….

Scene #2

*Walking down the street on a sunny day*

BV: Dude!

Me: Yeah?

BV: Why you sweating?

Me: Ummmm, because it’s sunny?

BV: But I thought people don’t sweat in Bangalore?

Me: Ummmm, It’s summer and we’re out in the open.

BV: But people don’t sweat in Bangalore right?

Me: Errrrr…..

Scene #3

*Eating lunch the local McDonalds*

BV: What’s that you’re eating with your burger?

Me: Fries.

BV: Fries? Interesting. What are they made up of?

Me: Potatoes.

BV: Wow. Sounds good. What are you dipping them in?

Me: Ketchup.

BV: Why?

Me: Because it tastes good.

BV: How?

Me: Errrrrrrr….

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