CG: What does a lion do on Facebook?
Me: I dunno!
CG: He ‘sher’ things!
Me: Dude, f*** off!
PS: If you don’t get it, ask a friend who knows Hindi.
I get call from my friend HM, who was in town for the weekend.
Me: Hey! Wassup?
HM: I’m in Bangalore sweetie!
Me: That’s awesome! What are you doing later this evening?
HM: Just waiting to paint the town red with you!
Me: Sexy! When did you get here?
HM: Day before yesterday!
Me: Oh ok.. Been a while huh? What you been upto?
HM: Nothing much… Just been to a few clubs with my friend SD and her fiance.
Me: Is SD that hot Bengali chick?
HM: Yeah! How did you know?
Me: I might have stalked her on Facebook. 😉
HM: Hahahaha. How desperate are you?
Me: But damn, she’s engaged huh?
HM: Yup! She’s off the market! So look somewhere else!
Me: Sigh… Yeah…. I was thinking of asking you to give me an intro to her!
HM: Uh…Huh.. What am I, a matchmaker?
Me: The word you’re looking for is – Pimp. P-I-M-P!
Me: SD is hot man. Gorgeous! Graceful! I mean, she’s perfect!
HM: Wow! You are actually dreaming about my friend while I’m waiting for you to take me out!
Me: Hahaha…Chill… I’m just pulling your leg!
HM: NO! You’re actually more interested in her than me! All you men are the same!
HM: Yes! All you men are CHAUVINISTIC PIGS! All of you!
Me: Well, who asked you to try them all? 😛
HM: F*** off!
*Newspapers are full of reports on the flash floods happening in North India. 99 dead and more than 75,000 trapped in the mountains*
My friend BP calls up.
BP: Guess what?
Me: Oh, yeah? I was just thinking about it this morning!
BP: Yup! The MEA mailed me today morning and informed me that the trip is off. Travelers from the previous batch are still trapped in the mountains. They are being rescued by army helicopters!
Me: Yikes! Sounds grave!
BP: Anyways, just thought that I’ll inform you. Bye.
Me: Bye man…
*BP hangs up*
CG: Who was that?
Me: BP called.
CG: What did he want?
Me: Just wanted to inform me that his trip to the Himalayas is off.
Me: What do you mean why? Flash floods man!
CG: Say what?
Me: Flash floods dude! It’s raining incessantly in North India!
CG: Oh…Okay…No idea…
Me: It’s been about a week now! Haven’t you been reading it in the papers?
CG: You know, I haven’t read the papers in like, three years!
Me: You what? Where do you read the news then?
Me: Good god! How are you still alive?
My friend just uploaded a new Facebook display picture.
Me: Why do you look so sad in the display pic?
Friend: Do I? Ok, let me change it.
*Changes her pic*
Friend: How about this one?
Me: Meh. You look equally sad in this one too.
Friend: Errrr, ok. How about this one?
Friend: Seesh! There’s no pleasing you!
Me: Oh wait. There’s nothing wrong with the pic. It’s your face.
Friend: WTF?! F*** off! Asshole!
One fine day.
CG: Are you on Klout?
Me: What’s that?
CG: It’s this website that measures how influential you are on social media.
Me: Go on…
CG: So its takes information from various social media platforms you’re active on, such as Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc, then sees how often you post and how many people read / like / share your posts and thus giving you a score. The score is out of hundred and you can compare yourself to various people on your network.
Me: Sounds interesting. Are you on it?
CG: Yup. I gotta score of 56.
Me: Is that good?
CG: Yeah man, it takes real hard work to reach here. This thing is really accurate. Why don’t you connect your social media platforms to this as well?
Me: Ok sure.
*I login and do whatever is required*
CG: So you’re all set, and voila! Your score is 28.
Me: That’s bad right?
CG: No worries man. You’ve just joined, it takes about a week to give you an accurate score.
CG: So let’s compare scores after a week.
*After one week*
CG: Hey man, what’s your Klout score?
Me: No idea. Let me check. It’s at 60. What’s yours?
CG: Huh? Mines 54. How’d the hell did you get a score of 60?
Me: I dunno. Maybe the site has finished analyzing all the data. Besides, the calculation is really accurate right?
CG: Dafaq is this sh*t! How dafaq do you have a higher score than me???
Me: Sh*t happens bro!
CG: This is bogus man! I think there’s something wrong with the calculations. No way one site can determine how influential you are!
Me: Suck it up, Bob*!
*Calling people Bob, is the new in thing in Bangalore. No more dude, man, maccha, maga. Just Bob.
I was on Facebook and noticed that my friend SP had uploaded a new profile pic. It looked like she had jumped into a pool of make up and forgot to wipe herself clean afterwards.
Me: What’s with the profile pic?
SP: Why? What’s wrong with it?
Me: Isn’t that too much make up?
SP: So you’re saying that I don’t look good?
Me: Generally you do. But in this case, it looks like you stumbled across your mummy’s make up kit and decided to run wild with it.
SP: You’re just jealous!
Me: Pfft! Of what?
SP: Because you can’t put make up and look pretty like me!
Me: Good lord!