Love Hurts…No..Love Bites!

About two years back, I had gone to Gokarna with my (now ex) girlfriend and her best friend. Since it was only the three of us, we decided to share a room. Before any of you can go *bow-chicka-bow-wow*, let me clarify – Nothing happened.

Anyways, on the journey back, the seats on our bus were riddled with bed bugs and by the time we got back to Bangalore, all our exposed areas ( mostly arms and back) were covered with nasty bed bug bites.

I wore a half sleeve shirt to my office that day.

*My colleague, JD walks upto me*

JD: So dude, I heard that you went to Gokarna with two hotties! Is that true?

Me: Yeah. That’s true!

JD: That’s sexy dude! So f***ing sexy! 

Me: Hahaha… Relax…..

JD: So did you get any? Let me guess, you had a threesome! Right?

Me: No man…. Nothing happened.

JD: Did you share a bed?

Me: Yeah, the bed was big.

JD: Man, I knew it! You player!!

Me: Dude! Believe me! Nothing happened!

*He looks at my bed bug bites*

JD: Oh..My..God! Look at those hickeys! 

Me: Huh? What?

JD: How do you explain those hickeys!

Me: Dude! These are bug bites man! Bed bugs! The bus was full of them!

JD: No way man! No way! 

Me: Oh lord! Why is it so hard for you to believe that nothing happened? 

JD: You went to Gokarna with two hotties, you shared a bed with two hotties and you come back with hickeys to prove that you got some action. Man, you’re a poon hound man!

Me: Dude! These are not hickeys! These are bug bites!

JD: I wasn’t born yesterday, you know… I know a hickey when I see one.

Me: Well, these are hickeys, why would they be on my arms? My frigging arms! It would be on my neck or something!

JD: I dunno… Maybe those hotties had some crazy fetish?

Me: Well, no. And if you think these are hickeys, I have no idea to which whore house you’ve been to, because these are not HICKEYS!

JD: Hahaha… Nice try, you stud! 😉

 

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PS: Nothing happened!

 

Sh*t People Say!

This a new section where I spill beans on some of the worst crap I’ve heard people say.  (PS: I’m severely allergic to bullsh*t).

My friend RAC is stupid, vain, shallow, sexist, racist and at times misogynistic. In fact, the only reason I’m friends with him is because our fathers went to college together or something. I was catching up with him after ages. His stupidity never ceases to amuse me.

Me: Hey! How you been?

RAC: Been good. You?

Me: Me too. How’s work?

RAC: Work is good. Very hectic though but I’m working my way up the corporate ladder.

Me: Great! Say, how’s that girlfriend of yours? Been dating for a while right? Five years odd?

RAC: We broke up man. Last month actually.

Me: Oh, what happened?

RAC: That b**** cheated on me. We were in a long distance relationship and that w**** was cheating on me with someone else!

Me: That’s bad. How you holding up? I thought you both were going very steady?

RAC: I thought too, but that b**** screwed it all up.

Me: Hmmmmm…

RAC: You know, I’ve gifted her many things. Expensive things.

Me: Yeah, I’ve heard.

RAC: That b**** now knows what she’ll miss man. She knows that she’ll never find someone as rich as me to take of her. 

Me: Errrrrrr, ok…

RAC: I’ve given her designer stuff from my office trips abroad. Gucci, Armani, Channel, Kenzo… She’s gonna miss them all!

Me: I suppose so….

RAC: Don’t you worry! I’ve f***** her as well. 

Me: Errrr, ok… Too much information here.

RAC: What did you think, that’ll gift her all this stuff and not to get use my tool! Please, been there done that!

Me: I can see what a tool you are.. (muttering).

RAC: Yeah, no one messes with me!

Me: Oh lord! Save us all! 

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Lost In Translation

Meet my friend, OD. She’s 26, slim, gorgeous and is super smart (she’s a doctoral candidate at one of the top institutes in the country). Well, the only thing that she lacks, is self respect when it comes to relationships. She broke up with her last boyfriend about a year back, but she keeps on going back to him, hoping that things would work out. But it’s the same story every time, she wants commitment from him and he’s commitment phobic.

Anyhow, she comes to me for advice, though she doesn’t take any of it. Food for thought, have you noticed that the people who give the best relationship advice are single? Just saying.

*She calls me up at midnight*

Me: Hey! Wassup?

OD: Not good! I met him again. 

Me: Why? Why? Why? 

OD: I don’t know. I can’t forget him so easily! 

Me: Move on! It’s been a year! 

OD: I know. But there’s something about him. Keeps on pulling me back towards him. 

Me: It’s just gas. Move on, stop thinking about him and yeah, did I mention move on?

OD: Hmmmm, I gotta confess something.

Me: Go on.

OD: I did something, after meeting him last week. 

Me: Uh huh…

OD: I couldn’t help myself. I was in a weak spot. I couldn’t stop myself and it happened. 

Me: Lord. I hope it was just that one time.

OD: Ummmm, no. Every other night since I met him. It just happens. I can’t help myself. I try to stop myself, but I start thinking about him and the next I know, I’m doing it already!

Me: Woman, get a hold on yourself!

OD: I’m trying. I can’t help myself. It happens! 

Me: And how would sleeping with your ex everyday solve that?

OD: What?! Sleeping? Who said anything about sleeping? I was talking about crying! I’ve been crying every night since I met him!   

Me: Errrrr, Ok. 

OD: C’mon! I’m saving myself for marriage! You know that!

Me: That’s what you say now….

OD: What?

Me: Nothing nothing. This conversation was very funny. 

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