I’ve Only Ever!

PBI and BR have dated only each other during their entire dating history (Like Lily and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother) . This, of course results in hilarious situations. Like, all the time.

*During a game of “I’ve never ever ever”*

PGI: I’ve never ever fallen asleep while have sex!

*Everyone looks at BR*

*BR grudgingly takes a sip of beer*

BR: B*tch!

Everyone: *Sniggering* 

*Round 2*

PGI: I’ve never ever farted during sex!

*Everyone looks at BR*

*BR’s face is almost beetroot red while taking a sip of his beer*

Everyone: #LOL

*Round 3*

PGI: During sex, I’ve never ever ever…

BR: Stop!

PGI: What?

BR: You gotta stop saying things about sex!

PGI: Why?

BR: Because everyone knows that it’s probably me!

PGI: So? 😛

BR: Chu…..!

Everyone: #ROLFMAO! 

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Being Dense

Sometimes Most of the times men are dense. We don’t get subtle hints. We need clear instructions on what you women want us to do or what you need from us.

Then there are men, who are so dense that they don’t know what obvious hints are even if you slap them in the face with it. My friend VB is one.

During the third year of college, he had taken to gymming. By the time we were in our final semester, VB had shed close to 25 kilos (I kid you not) and used to look really fit. During this time, he had befriended one chick at his gym and they were good friends. I’m guessing that she had the hots for him, till one day…

Me: Yo! Wassup?

VB: Nothing much! Just back from the gym.

Me: How’s that going?

VB: Pretty good!

Me: By the way, how that lady friend of yours? Priya, right?

VB: Ummmm…. She’s not talking to me these days….

Me: Why?

VB: I don’t know!

Me: What did you do?

VB: Nothing!

Me: Then?

VB: I don’t know! Last week, she invited me to her house to chill because her parents weren’t in town and I didn’t go. Then few days later, she called me over to house to help her with maths and she said that her parents weren’t at home. I didn’t go because I was hanging out with you.

Me: Uh..Huh…

VB: After that she stopped talking to me.

Me: Go on…

VB: So I haven’t really done anything inappropriate at all. She stopped talking to me out of the blue!

Me: You poor naïve fool!

VB: What?

Me: Nothing bro, chill. Life goes on…

VB: Eh?

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The Problem With Us Men…

I hate how our minds are always wired to think that women out there are dying to be at our feet. Of course, the results are often hilarious.

Scene #1:

A hot chick is looking at us.

Expectation:

“Oh yeah, that chick digs me!”

Reality:

She is just looking in our direction. Chances are that she doesn’t know even that we exist.

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Scene #2:

A hot chick is smiling at us.

Expectation:

“Oh yeah, she’s ready to jump into bed with me!”

Reality:

She is smiling just because it’s polite to smile. That’s it! No hidden agenda, nothing.

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Scene #3:

She says, “Let’s go somewhere quiet”.

Expectation:

“Awwwright, making-out time”

Reality:

She wants to have a conversation in peace. Period.

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Bloody KLPD right? And they say that only women read in-between the lines.

Anything Goes!

At a house party.

Me: Dude!

Friend: Yeah?

Me: Who’s that cute chick standing by the fridge?

Friend: Who? Her? That’s Blah!

Me: Sweet. What a lovely name!

Friend: You really find her cute?

Me: Yeah man! She’s really cute!

Friend: Interesting!

Me: Give me an intro!

Friend: No way!

Me: Why not?

Friend: She’s not your type!

Me: What do you mean by “she’s not my type”?

Friend: How can I explain it to you?

Me: Try me!

Friend: Dude, she’s not your type, ok?

Me: What do you mean that she’s not my type!? She’s a chick! Chicks are my type, ok?

Friend: Oh god… #Facepalm!

Me: So….. Intro?

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Moms Will Be Moms!

So I was telling my mom about the events of the The Great Golden Goose Chase.

Me: It was so funny to watch NM and JK! SH and I were standing in a corner and laughing!

Mom: So? Atleast those guys tried no? Couldn’t you have picked up a girl?

Me: Huh? What?

Mom: Instead of standing in a corner and laughing, you should have picked up a girl!

Me: For what?

Mom: To love her and then marry her!

Me: Jeez! No way!

Mom: Why not? Get married soon! 

Me: Not this sh*t again! 

*I leave the room*

Mom: This conversation isn’t over!!!

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Croc Me Not!

Recently JK had been borrowing a lot of clothes from me and had collected enough clothes that I could literally move into his house.

Anyhow, this was the topic of conversation with my friend, DP.

Me: Yeah man, he’s been borrowing clothes from me non-stop!

DP: Then why do you lend him your clothes? 

Me: Well, he stays overnight and the next day he needs some change of clothes. So I let him take it but he doesn’t return it. 

DP: Hahaha! What all has he taken? 

Me: My Superman T-shirt, my Bitch Please T-shirt, my crocs…..

DP: Your what? Crocs?

Me: Yeah, my crocs!

DP: Ewwwww! You have crocs?

Me: Yeah, why?

DP: No wonder you’re single!

Me: #FML! 

 

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The Greatest-est Pick Up Lines!

Yeah I know that the past couple of posts have been about dating and women, that’s only because I’m writing them at a stretch.

I’ve decided to give up all hope of finding love and will continue act like the world is coming to an end.

So please bear with me. Or not. Either way, please read my blog.

So when we are out partying and the night comes to an end, no one wants to go back home alone.

Some people have gf’s and some decide to ‘hook up’ / ‘pick up’ / ‘bang one’ (you get the drift) and then head home.

Most of my friends have a signature let’s-go-back-to-my-place line. Here’s a short glimpse at them.

Friend#1:  Let’s back to my place for the after party, I’ve a collection of Kafka and Nietzsche books!

Friend#2: Let’s back to my place for the after party, I’ve got a KTM / Yamaha R15. We’ll go for a ride! 

JK: Let’s back to my place for the after party, I live around the corner. We can pick up some booze and see where the night leads us! 

MeLet’s back to my place for the after party and read my blog. 

DGLet’s back to my place for the after party, I’ve a collection of good ghati songs! (Good ghati songs it seems)

ASLet’s back to my place for the after party, I’ve got a fully stocked bar!

And the winner is:

NMLet’s back to my place for the after party, I’ve a kitten at home and it loves getting stoned! 

Yeah, you wouldn’t believe how many people have fallen for that!

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Lol. I’m just bored today!