Sh*T PEOPLE SAY – 3

This is a compilation, since these are all one liners.

 

Scene #1: Talking to a new colleague

Me: Hey! Found your way to the office fine?

Him: Yeah! It’s very easy. I saw the route on Google Maps.

Me: Oh cool.

Him: I didn’t know that Bangalore is like America!

Me: Huh..? What?

Him: Yeah, see it’s all blocks and crosses! 1st Block..2nd Block…1st Cross..2nd Cross..  Just like in America!

Me: Errrrr….Sure…

 

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Scene #2: I’m at a mobile shop

Me: Hey! Do you have a screen guard for the Nexus 4?

Shop Guy: Which model is this?

Me: Errrr… Nexus 4.

Shop Guy: Huh? Show me the phone!

Me: Here.

*I give him my phone*

*He fiddles around it for 5 mins! I swear he was looking for porn*

Shop Guy: Oh.. This model is Nexus 4.

Me: No sh*t!

 

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Scene #3: Me asking my crush out

Me: Hey…. I was wondering, if you wanna go out with me..?

Girl: Yeah! Sure! Where?

Me: Errrrr…. Nevermind!

 

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B*tches Be Crazy!

My friend AS is a classy guy. When he takes out a woman for a date, he does the whole drill. He picks her up, plays some sweet mood music, then on to some happening club, then a long drive and finally, a happy ending (if you catch my drift ;))

On one such date.

*He picks up the hottie*

AS: So shall I put some music?

Hottie: Sure!

AS: What kind of music do you like?

Hottie: I can listen to anything!

AS: Let me skip through some songs, let me know if you like anything.

Hottie: Okies!

AS: Metallica?

Hottie: Meh, I don’t like metal.

AS: Nirvana?

Hottie: Meh, they scream a lot.

AS: David Guetta?

Hottie: I only like his music when it’s playing at a club.

AS: Ummmmm, ok.. How about Nickelback?

Hottie: Too loud.

AS: Errrrr, I’ll just skip through, stop me when you like something.

Hottie: Ok. Oh wait! I love that song!

AS: Amplifier?

Hottie: Yes! Woohoo! I love Imran Khan!

AS: #facepalm

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PS: Here’s the song.

PPS: I don’t think AS cared too much. She put out during the date. A happy ending, as usual.

That’s What She Said!

To end my whining about not having a girlfriend, my friends decided to set me up on  a blind date. You might think, how sweet of them. But the truth is that they had enough of my whining and were close to throwing me off DG’s terrace.

So meet my date, MM. Mid 20’s, marketing executive at a popular Bangalore based firm. The date was going well, except that I was bored as hell. The conversations just kept on revolving around the different parties she had been to and the number of times she had blacked out from excessive drinking.

MM: I was like blah blah, then you know, it was like blah blah blah and then I was like blah blah blah….

Me: Uh…huh… Go on…

MM: blah blah blah blah, it was so long and hard!

Me: Ha! That’s what she said!

MM: Sorry?

 Me: That’s what she said! Get it?

MM: Who’s this she?

Me: Ummm, nevermind.

MM: Wait! Are you like already dating someone? Or you like, you know trying to two time someone?

Me: Ummmm. No….

MM: Then who’s this ‘she’ you just referred to? 

Me: Are you seriously stupid or you just pretending to be one?

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It’s safe to assume that I never heard from her ever again.