Got Sanitizer?

Till about 8-9 years ago, I had no idea what a sanitizer was. I just assumed that it was a women’s hygiene product. You know, because of the word sanitary in it.

On numerous occasions, My Gf (back then) mentioned the word sanitizer and of course it didn’t make any sense to me. But then again, I was too embarrassed to ask her about it.

Scene #1

Her:  Instead of carrying napkins, I carry a sanitizer. It’s so much easy to carry.

Me: Ummmm… Ok….

 

Scene #2

Her: Sometimes I like playing with my sanitizer.

Me: Errrrr…. Why?

Her: Because it smells really nice…

Me: Ummmmm… Ok…

 

Scene #3

Me: Man, I forgot to get a handkerchief! Now I have to wipe my hands on my jeans!

Her: Don’t do that!

Me: Do you have wet wipes?

Her: No but I have a sanitizer.

Me: And what’s it supposed to do?

Her: Here!

*Pulls out a little bottle and squirts some clear gel like thing on to my palms*

Me: Errrrr….

Her: Now rub your palms together!

Me: Wow… My hands… are clean!

Her: See! Carrying a sanitizer at all times helps!

Me: So that’s what a sanitizer is!

Her: Huh? What did you think it was?

Me: Something like a sanitary pad?

Her: #Facepalm

 

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Yes, that really happened!

 

Tequila, Mi Amor!

I was at The Humming Tree for a concert and I happen to run into some of my old college buddies. I got pretty excited on seeing them, lots of hugs going around and other weird male bonding stuff. Probably because I was four beers down. Anyways, I was feeling happy and I ordered a round of tequila for everyone.

Yeah, not a smart idea.

Me: Cheers everyone!

College Buddy: Cheers!

*After 20 mins*

Me: Buy us a round of beer, buddy!

College Buddy: Actually, I’m not drinking tonight!

Me: What! How come?

College Buddy: Well, I quit drinking!

Me: Why?

College Buddy: Just staying sober!

Me: Alright then, I won’t force you!

College Buddy: Cool man!

Me: Alright, catch ya later!

*After 30 mins*

Me: What the…. He just drank the tequila that I bought for him! That S.O.B! He said that he quit drinking!

*That MOFO*

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The Hot Seat!

I went to dinner with some of my classmates from college. FF was in town and he suggested that we’d all meet up for dinner. I wasn’t really excited, nevertheless I hadn’t seen anyone from college in the past five years. So, I’d thought, seems like good idea. I wanted to go drinking. I suggested Gilly’s in Koramangala, just in case these guys were price sensitive. Soon messages and calls started pouring in with excuses such as:

No dude, no booze…

I have a throat infection

I have office tomorrow

I don’t want to drink and drive

Fine, I let them choose the place and they decided on a place called Kritunga in Koramangala. It was a Rayalseema restaurant (like mainstream Andhra food wasn’t spicy enough).

There was no away I could face them sober, I decided to *send some* before meeting them. I reached there and this happened.

So the whole evening, they asked me these 10 questions. That’s it. We didn’t talk about anything else.

  1. Where do you live?
  2. When are you getting married?
  3. Where do you work?
  4. Where is your office?
  5. Whom do you stay with?
  6. What time do you reach office?
  7. How far is your office from your home?
  8. What time do leave office in the evening?
  9. How do you travel to office?
  10. What do you do for lunch?

Like wow.

Mind blown.

So much wow.

KMN

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Roomies Be Crazy

Most of my female friends complain that their boyfriends spend so much time with their roommates that it feels like they have a baby or a third wheel at all times. I laugh it off, telling them that they are just delusional but they keep on insisting that their significant others are in a domestic partnership with their roommates.

Anyhow, I started believing this after watching my brother and his roommate fight. My brother and his roommate were staying over for the week. They had a week long holiday and they thought that they’ll chill in Bangalore during that time.

Then this happened.

Bro: Dude!

Roomie: Yeah?

Bro: Did you pay the electricity bill?

Roomie: Ummm… No dude…

Bro: Why not?

Roomie: I forgot bro…

Bro: What the f***, dude!

Roomie: I was high dude, it completely skipped my mind!

Bro: How many times did I remind you to pay the electricity bill?

Did I not give you the money for it already?

How could you forget?

This happens all the time!

Why are you always high?

Why do I have fix all your f*** ups?

Why can’t you function like a normal human being for once?

It’s like you don’t even listen to me!

Are you even listening to me?

Roomie: Chill dude, we’ll go back and pay the bill!

Bro: You stupid f***!

By the time we go back, they would have cut the power!

The last day to pay the bill was the day we left!

The things in the fridge will go bad!

Do you ever think about things like that?

Do you? Of course not! Because you are a f***ing retard!

Roomie: Bro… Chill bro!

Bro: Chill? You want to me chill?

Then pay the f***ing electricity bill on time for once!

Act like the a grown up for once!

*This went on for the next 20 minutes*

*Yes, twenty minutes*

*After the ranting*

Me: Wow! You guys are like a proper couple!

Bro: ^&*(#6@$^!

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Being Dense

Sometimes Most of the times men are dense. We don’t get subtle hints. We need clear instructions on what you women want us to do or what you need from us.

Then there are men, who are so dense that they don’t know what obvious hints are even if you slap them in the face with it. My friend VB is one.

During the third year of college, he had taken to gymming. By the time we were in our final semester, VB had shed close to 25 kilos (I kid you not) and used to look really fit. During this time, he had befriended one chick at his gym and they were good friends. I’m guessing that she had the hots for him, till one day…

Me: Yo! Wassup?

VB: Nothing much! Just back from the gym.

Me: How’s that going?

VB: Pretty good!

Me: By the way, how that lady friend of yours? Priya, right?

VB: Ummmm…. She’s not talking to me these days….

Me: Why?

VB: I don’t know!

Me: What did you do?

VB: Nothing!

Me: Then?

VB: I don’t know! Last week, she invited me to her house to chill because her parents weren’t in town and I didn’t go. Then few days later, she called me over to house to help her with maths and she said that her parents weren’t at home. I didn’t go because I was hanging out with you.

Me: Uh..Huh…

VB: After that she stopped talking to me.

Me: Go on…

VB: So I haven’t really done anything inappropriate at all. She stopped talking to me out of the blue!

Me: You poor naïve fool!

VB: What?

Me: Nothing bro, chill. Life goes on…

VB: Eh?

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She Knows Me Not!

FF is one guy who literally has no friends, other than LKB, SV and me. So it’s always surprising that when he happens to meet people randomly on the street. Even more interesting when he meets women. 😉

About eight years back (damn, it’s been so long), the three of us, LKB, FF and me went to the swankiest multiplex in town. Nothing great about it, except that there were no other movie theater which came close to providing good entertainment.

Anyhow, while we were waiting for the movie to start, FF spotted an old friend of his (allegedly) from school. Let’s call her Priya. Priya was a hottie. Imagine Preity Zinta with Deepika Padukone‘s body. She clearly looked like the type who wouldn’t be friends with idiots (losers) like us and definitely not someone like FF. She happened to be FF’s family friend, used to go to tuition together with him and what not. At least that’s what FF claimed.

So we told FF, “Call her man. Both of you should catch up”. While sniggering of course.

FF called out to her. “Priya!” She turned in our direction, not sure who was calling. We were about 20 feet away from her. “Priya!”, FF screamed again. Priya looked at FF. She clearly had no idea who he was. “Priya! Come here!”. She was accompanied by two guys. She nodded her head, indicating that she didn’t know FF.

“Wait there! I’ll come there!” and FF walked towards her. LKB and I were just watching, laughing and laughing even more. Those two guys who were with her, clearly looked like the types who could bench press 100 times without breaking a sweat and they sort of started flexing when FF was walking upto them.

All we could see was FF trying to say something to her and she kept on mouthing “I’m sorry, I don’t remember” to him. After ten minutes of trying FF walks back. “So what happened?”, I asked, while trying hide a smirk on my face. “That stupid b*tch doesn’t remember me man! We were very close you know, our moms are best of friends!” said a dejected FF. “Sure thing man, b*tches be crazy no? Come let’s watch the movie now”, LKB added. And three of us walked into the movie hall as the sun started setting on the horizon.

*The End*

Lol. B*tches be crazy it seems. To this day, I still believe that FF tried to pull a fast one on us.

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Girls! Girls! Girls!

VT and I used to be thick as thieves. We’ve lost contact over the past few years, but while we were still in college, we’d used to have a blast gossiping.

One such occasion, our gossip session veered towards a common friend of ours, RJ – who’s a well known radio jockey with one of the more popular radio channels in Chennai.

VT: Man, have you heard?

Me: Heard what?

VT: RJ is the new radio jockey at blah blah FM.

Me: Yeah… I read that in the papers!

VT: Can’t believe that b*tch is now famous!

Me: Hahaha..Why?

VT: That flat-chested, tomboy female.

Me: Chill!

VT: You know, there’s an age when girls stop becoming tomboyish and start doing girly things like make up and stuff. But not her! She continued being a tomboy! She’s got no boobs!

Me: Hahahaha… My friend met her recently, he was telling me that she’s got a nice pair now.

VT: Lies! All lies! She’s probably stuffed her t-shirt with socks!

Me: Hahahaha! No way!

VT: Dude! I’ll know. All girls know it when it’s fake! She’s as flat as a flat screen tv!

Me: Dude…. You know, you too fall into that category… Just saying…

VT: Yeah so? I’m pretty, I dress well and I’m girly! So it’s fine!

Me: Hahahaha…. Totally!

 

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