Dude Writes Like A Lady!

DJ was coming to office late for the past few days. His usual excuse was that 1) He couldn’t hear his phone alarm ring and 2) His phone’s battery died.

Tired of the excuses, someone kept an alarm clock on his table with this message.

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*Later in the day*

DJ: Who kept this here?

Me: No idea…

DJ: Hmmmm.. I wonder who?

Me: Well, the handwriting looks feminine, so I’m guessing it was probably LB.

DJ: Yeah… Could be… She’s been hinting at it.

*NMD was passing by at moment*

NMD: Thanks a lot, a**holes!

Us: Eh?

NMD: I heard what you guys said!

Me: What did we say?

NMD: That I write like a girl!

Me: Well…. You kinda do… So…

NMD: Chu…

that awkward moment

Are You A Belieber?

I was at Stones and I thought I saw my friend TK there. Since I wasn’t sure, so I texted her. Later I figured out that it wasn’t her.

TK replied the next day.

TK: Hey!

Me: Wassup?

TK: Sorry, didn’t reply last night.

Me: It’s ok…

TK: I wasn’t sure if that text was for me.

Me: That’s fine. There was a chick there who looked just like you, but later I figured out that it wasn’t you!

TK: Hahaha! Really? How’d you figure out that?

Me: Well, for starters her boyfriend looked like Justin Beiber. You know, long hair with bangs and an emo hairstyle.

TK: Yikes!

Me: I know what your boyfriend looks like…

TK: Hmmmmm…

Me: Also, she did her tongue down his throat during most of the evening. So, I was pretty sure that wasn’t you!

TK: Hey! Too much info! Besides, how’d you know that I don’t have my tongue down his throat?

Me: Well, you aren’t into Justin Bieber!

TK: Good save…

Me: Totally! 😉

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Gone Girl!

Le Gf and I were discussing about the latest dressing trend in Bangalore.

Me: Is it just me or most young women in Bangalore are beginning to dress the same?

Le Gf: Go on…

Me: Hear me out. All of them wear black jeggings, leggings or whatever they are called. They pair that up with a cropped top, long hair that’s parted sideways and bright shade of red lipstick, say Ruby Woo by MAC.

Le Gf: Yeah….

Me: I wonder where do get people get away with calling themselves individualistic and yet manage to be part of the herd…

Le Gf: Imagine if your girl got kidnapped and you went to cops to report it?

Me: Why?

Le Gf: So you would have to describe her right?

Me: Yeah….

Le Gf: So…. She was wearing black leggings, blue cropped top, long hair parted sideways, red lipstick!

Me: Hahahaha!

Le Gf: Cops are gonna be like “Bro… You just described all the girls in the city!”

Me: Yeah… Poor souls…

 

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This post has been issued in public interested. Please dress differently. Just saying. I don’t want upload pics to prove a point!

She’s With Me, Bro!

I’m going to try and write fluff. You know, flowery language and stuff..

So……

It was New Years’ Eve and everyone was scrambling about to figure out their evening scenes. After much deliberation, JK, his girlfriend JS, Paaji, his wife NS, Le Gf and I zeroed in on the party at Counter Culture. Dualist  Inquiry was headlining and The F-16’s were the opening act. Yup, the night was set. The place was decked up in all it’s grandeur and crowd was swanky. Add to that, it was an all-you-eat buffet and all-you-can drink booze.

Moving forward….

As the clock struck 12 midnight, the whole place erupted into an euphoric daze. The bartender poured 90 ml – patiala shots for everyone and party got even wilder. Everyone greeted everyone, couples were united and single people scoped out their bed-mates for the night. While JK had to excuse himself to go to the loo, JS was hanging around the bar. The keyboardist of The F-16’s walked upto her. He was tall, slim and handsome. Just like in the books. Add to that, he had an afro. Beat that. Now, JS was no less of a hottie either. She was the type of woman, who would get your girlfriend jealous just by her mere presence. And the guys, they don’t even stand a chance. Reference movie – She’s Out Of Your League. Comprende?

He was getting acquainted with JS with the usual, “Hi, what’s your name…. Whom are you with?… What are you doing by the bar all by yourself?” and the so on. Soon he felt a tap on his shoulder. Assuming that it was probably another fan wanting to wish him New Year, he turned around with a smug on his face, only to find himself face to face with a 6ft tall JK. Now, JK is a Sardar and a very well built one. He’s the type whom you’d call while going on a rampage spree.

Now, what happened next will. Blow. Your. Mind!

Not really.

Pretty Boy: Yeah?

JK: What do you think you are doing?

Pretty Boy: I’m just talking to her, man….

JK: Yeah?

Pretty Boy: Yeah man!

JK: She’s with me!

Pretty Boy: Oh really?

JK: Yup!

Pretty Boy: I had no idea!

JK: Well, now you do!

Pretty Boy: Oh… Yeah sure… Well… Can you point me towards some pretty ladies?

JK: Anywhere but here, bro….

Pretty Boy: Errrrr… Absolutely!

*Runs off*

 

*JS bursts out laughing*

And  ladies and gentlemen, this how you get KLPD’ed.

#JustSaying

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The Laptop Scene

At the Bangalore airport, I was at the security check.

As per the instructions, we were required to take our laptops and jackets out of the hand baggage and place it on the tray separately. This was cumbersome for me, as I was carrying a backpack and a laptop and a jacket and an iPad. So yeah, I had to take out a lot of things.

*Chatting with boss at the queue*

Me: Why do they ask us to remove our laptops from the bags? Anyhow, my bag is going inside for a scan.

Dude Boss: The scanners can’t see through the laptops. So you can easily conceal things under it. So, to be sure, they ask you to remove the laptop.

Me: Man, this is so cumbersome. I have to literally empty my entire bag.

Dude Boss: That’s why I travel light!

Me: Uh..Huh…

Dude Boss: See, I don’t even carry my laptop during trips. I just use my tablet. It’s got a big screen and it’s portable…

Me: You know…

Dude Boss: What?

Me: If I had the same shitty laptop as yours, even I wouldn’t bring it along for a trip. #JustSaying

Dude Boss: Chu…

Me: 😀

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Tastes Like Pink!

I’d originally wanted to title this blog post – Tastes Like Pussy. Then I’d thought that I don’t have time to deal with feminazi’s online or read a Scoopwhoop article that says – “You Won’t Believe What This Blog Said!”.

Moving on…

*At Office*

Me: I’m in the mood for some kebabs!

Colleague1: Shahi’s!

Me: No…

Colleague2: Khazana!

Me: Ewwwwwww.. No!

Colleague2: Imperial!

Me: How about Tunday’s?

Colleague1: No way! It’s crap!

Colleague2: Why? What’s wrong with Tunday?

Colleague1: The food is overrated! And the kebab sucks!

Colleague2: That’s a lie! The food is so good there!

*Yes, when passion and hunger meet, intensity happens*

Colleague1: What do you like over there?

Colleague2: Galoti kebab! It’s the best there!

Colleague1: It’s bad there!

Colleague2: It’s so delicious! It’s so soft that it melts in your mouth!

Colleague1: See! That’s the problem! It’s so soft!

Colleague2: How is that a problem?

Colleague1: Galoti kebabs are supposed to be crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. The kebab that they make there are so soft that the time you pick it up and put it in your mouth, it’s already melted!

Colleague2: Hmmmmm….

*Drooling happening*

Colleague1: When you spread that kebab, it just feels like a pussy!

Colleague2: Hmmmm….

*More drooling*

Me: Excuse me?!

Colleague1: What?

Me: Did you just say that the kebab tastes like pussy?

Colleague1: Yeah!

Me: Like? Why? How?

Colleague1: When you pull the kebab apart, it’s soft and pink! Like a pussy.

Me: I think I just lost my appetite!

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Being Bong!

Alcohol level: 400 ml of Bacardi Breezer and 120 ml of Tequila and Smirnoff. Yes, I have a high tolerance for alcohol. Get over it.

PS: If you’re in Bangalore and would like to get drunk together, mail me out!

When I tell people that I’m a “Bong”, this is what I mean:

9LBN3KOF

 

As in, I’m a Bengali.

Unfortunately, this is what most people think:

bong

Fucktards….

Anyhow….

Le Gf was dealing with an outbreak of pimples.

Le Gf: Ahhhhhhh!

Me: What happened?

Le Gf: I have so many pimples!

Me: It’s just a phase.

Le Gf: Just a phase? I’m 26! People my age don’t have pimples! People have pimples when they are 16!

Me: Chill babe!

Le Gf: Chill? You’re the one to talk!

Me: What?

Le Gf: First of all, you’re way fairer than I am. Second, you skin is as smooth as a baby’s ass!

Me: So?

Le Gf: So it means that you have no idea it’s like to have pimples at 27!

Me: Well, I’m Bong!

Le Gf: So?

Me: Bongs in general have good skin!

Le Gf: What bullsh*t!

Me: Don’t believe me?

Le Gf: My previous roommate was a Bong and she had more pimples than I did!

Me: That’s cos she was promiscuous!

Le Gf: WTF?

Me: True story babe! She’s slept with half of Bangalore! You said so yourself! 

Le Gf: #FML 

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