Rage Against The Gym

I’m not really into fitness and all that shiz, but once in a while I get into this craze and go all ‘healthy living’ on everyone. About fitness, I like going to the gym instead of running outside despite what everyone raves about. I’m not going tell why I prefer the gym because I’m going to sound like a depraved f***, if I do.

Anyhow, every gym session I get to meet certain people who just ruin my day. I wish that there’s a special place in hell for people like them. Like, seriously.

Meet the douchebags.

The Treadmill Hoarders

This species of people take over the treadmill and never seem to finish walking. If you want to walk, walk outside. It’s 6 am in the morning, it’s neither sunny nor hot outside. We live in Bangalore, you don’t even get to see the sun for almost nine months in a year! Most of the days, my cardio is delayed only because of these douchebags. And these people aren’t even old! They are middle-aged aunties! If you really want to be fit and in shape, run! Run like the wind. Not walk like a ***** (I can’t type that).

The Evergreen Runners

This is more of a sub-species of the above mentioned category. These guys are total fitness freaks who seem to have the stamina of a pig when it comes to running. However, they conveniently ignore the sign that says, “Max 30 mins per user” and keep running till someone has to remind them that their daddy doesn’t own the gym. Once again, if you want to run a marathon, do it outside.

The Closet DJ’s

Ah, one of my favorite category of douchbags. It’s one thing to take over the music at a house party, but at a gym? Seriously bro? I mean, music is essential while gymming but do you really wanna listen to Nicky Minaj or one of the interchangeable skanks? Don’t be a douchebag, use headphones instead.

The Choms

This species is a mix of the closet DJ’s and your typical chom boy.

  1. They cannot stop bragging about the number of bench presses they managed yesterday
  2. They will tell everyone about all the exercises they did for their fabulous bodies
  3. They will play only the latest item song on the stereo. Once again, I don’t wanna gym to Baby Doll or Munni or Sheila or whoever is the current favorite. Just saying.

The Enthu Cutlets

These guys are actually good people, except when they decide to train the entire gym as per their routine. These guys are usually ripped as f*** health fanatics and they love offering tips. See, that’s where the problem starts. They start off showing you how to perform an exercise, then they push to train with them and suddenly your inbox is full of health tips, recipes for protein shakes, diet charts, exercise routines and what not. No thank you! As long as my BMI is not under the obese category, I’m good.

The Grunters

Sub species of the Enthu Cutlet category, these guys love letting everyone know that they are “feeling the burn” and blah. They are the one usually going “Uhhhh”, “Yesss”,”Ohhhhh” or any other animal like noises, which might lead you to think that you’re in a jungle safari or watching the William sisters play tennis. Just saying, I think the grunting should be left in the bedroom.

The Page 3 Aunties

Alright! My favorite category – the page 3 aunties. They can be easily spotted by their brightly colored clothes (I blame Reebok for this) which will probably blind you if stare at them long enough. They wear make up to the gym, wear perfumes that gives the room freshener a run for its money and they can’t stop gossiping. They are always a group of them and the only exercise they seem get is their mouth (no, not that you pervert). You should see they around the trainers, oh my god, hormone overdrive. But I’ll confess, they are my favorite distraction while gymming. 😛

Anyhow, I’m done ranting and I’m heading out to The Humming Tree to meet JK and NM. If I’ve missed out a few characters, add them in the comments.