Being Begusarai…

AB and I were travelling around the city in a cab. We kept on seeing hoardings for a new channel called &TV and one of their shows was called Begusarai.

The hoarding was in Hindi.

AB: What is the name of the show?

Me: Begusarai.

AB: What does it mean?

Me: I dunno. Just the name of the show, I guess…

AB: But it’s has to mean something right?

Me: I dunno, maybe it’s the name of one of the lead characters.

AB: Man, how come you don’t know the meaning?

Me: Look who’s talking?

AB: I can read Hindi ok?

Me: Fine, whatever.

*AB turns to the driver*

AB: Bhaiya, who Tv show ka naam kya hai? (Bro, what’s the name of that TV show?)

Driver: Beguasarai…

AB: Uska matlab kya hai? (What does that mean?)

Driver: TV show ka naam hai.. (It’s the name of the TV show)

AB: Errrrrr…. Ok…. Thank you!

Me: Told you!

AB: This is not over!

Me: Chu….

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Being Bong!

Alcohol level: 400 ml of Bacardi Breezer and 120 ml of Tequila and Smirnoff. Yes, I have a high tolerance for alcohol. Get over it.

PS: If you’re in Bangalore and would like to get drunk together, mail me out!

When I tell people that I’m a “Bong”, this is what I mean:

9LBN3KOF

 

As in, I’m a Bengali.

Unfortunately, this is what most people think:

bong

Fucktards….

Anyhow….

Le Gf was dealing with an outbreak of pimples.

Le Gf: Ahhhhhhh!

Me: What happened?

Le Gf: I have so many pimples!

Me: It’s just a phase.

Le Gf: Just a phase? I’m 26! People my age don’t have pimples! People have pimples when they are 16!

Me: Chill babe!

Le Gf: Chill? You’re the one to talk!

Me: What?

Le Gf: First of all, you’re way fairer than I am. Second, you skin is as smooth as a baby’s ass!

Me: So?

Le Gf: So it means that you have no idea it’s like to have pimples at 27!

Me: Well, I’m Bong!

Le Gf: So?

Me: Bongs in general have good skin!

Le Gf: What bullsh*t!

Me: Don’t believe me?

Le Gf: My previous roommate was a Bong and she had more pimples than I did!

Me: That’s cos she was promiscuous!

Le Gf: WTF?

Me: True story babe! She’s slept with half of Bangalore! You said so yourself! 

Le Gf: #FML 

bitch-please

 

 

 

Of Lunches and Starters

I had just found out my new office space would be behind Le Gf’s house. And for some reason, the news spread like wildfire, especially among jealous couples who live miles apart from each other.

I happened to be talking to my friend JC at a party about this.

JC: So I heard that your new office is behind your girlfriends house?

Me: Yup!

JC: You lucky bugger!

MeI know right. I don’t have to go far to meet her!

JC: Uh..Huh…! I’m sure that you’re going to drop into her place everyday for ‘lunch’! 😉 

Me: Oh… Please..!

JC: Are you saying that you won’t do that?

Me: What I’m saying is that, I’ll go over lunch but I’ll definitely have the ‘starters’ too! 😛 

JC: Jeez! Hahaha!

*High Five*

*After a month*

JC: How’s the new office?

Me: Pretty good!

JC: How’s the lunch scene going? 😉

Me: Hahahaha!

JC: Well?

Me: Funnily, after my office opened there, I did have lunch at her place for a couple of days!

JC: Awwwwright! That’s what I’m talking about!

Me: No, no! I mean actual lunch. The eating one..

JC: #IWILLSPITONYOURFACE

Me: What did I do?

*Women, I tell you are hard to understand*

 

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Fullpower!

This is another rant. This is dedicated to everyone who uses the word “fullpower” to answer every question. Fullpower is not even a real word. It’s some word that trippers (mostly LSD, MDMA, E users) use while describing the nature of their trip.

Anyhow, coming back to my rant, WTF is up with everyone using word? Or is it just my douchebag friends? This is what I have to deal with on an everyday basis. This rant is mostly directed towards NM, JK and MC.

 

Me: Hey, how are you?

Friend: Fullpower!

Me: Eh?

 

Me: How was the movie?

Friend: Fullpower!

Me: WTF?

 

Me: How was lunch?

Friend: Fullpower!

Me: What?

 

Me: How was your trip?

Friend: Fullpower!

Me: Wow!

 

Me: Hey, what you upto?

Friend: Fullpower!

Me: WTF does that even mean?

 

Me: Did you see the new iPhone?

Friend: Fullpower!

Me: How. Does. That. Even. Make. Sense?

 

Me: What plans for the evening?

Friend: Fullpower!

Me: #Faceplam

 

Me: Will you eat pizza for dinner?

Friend: Fullpower!

Me: Oh god!

 

Me: How’s your love life going?

Friend: Fullpower!

Me: That’s a lie! We all know it!

Friend: Bitch!

 

You see what I’m dealing with? We need to stop this menace!

#JustSaying

 

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Troll Of The Year!

So I’m what most Bengalis call, a probasi bangali. Loosely translated, it means “Fake Bengali”. Every year when I travel to Calcutta (I refuse to write it as Kolkata), I’m usually the subject of super scrutinizing relatives / neighbors / random people on the road who are always like “Your Bengali is not not fluent or You don’t look like a Bengali or You don’t like Dada (Saurav Ganguly) and so on. Yes, it’s irritating as hell. I wanted to use f***, but then I decided against it. Oh wait, I just did, so SCORE!

Anyhow, the last time my brother and I went to Calcutta, we decided to go the full mile. We decided to talk only in Bengali to everyone. When I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE.

The results were of course insanely hilarious.

 

Location: KFC, City Center II, Rajarhat (New Town), Calcutta.

*Both of us walk to the counter*

Me: Dadabhai! Kemon acho? (Wassup, how are you?)

KFC Guy: Bhaloi acchi sir! (I’m good too)

Me: Amake ek balti bhaja murgi aar oi maach paorooti ta deen (Give me one bucket of fried chicken and one Fish-o-Fillet)

*At this point, the KFC is not sure whether we’re f***ing with him or just being ourselves*

KFC Guy: Chicken tah te kon flavor chaan? (Which fried chicken do yo want?)

Me: Arre! Oi purono cornel e recipe tah deen! (Give me Old Colonel’s Recipe)

KFC Guy: Errrrr…. Theek aache? Kichu drink korar jonne chai? (Want something to drink?)

Me: Haan, oi lebur soda tah acche? Oita deen! (What I meant to say was, yes give me Sprite. What I said was, give me that lemon soda)

*My brother is laughing uncontrollably*

KFC Guy: Ok. Aapnar bill hochhe 500 taka. (Ok, your bill is 500 bucks)

Me: Matro? Theek achhe! (That’s it?)

KFC Guy: Aapna ra ki Kolkata theke? (Are you from Kolkata?)

Me: Haan! Kolkata teh jonmiye chi aar puro jibon katiye chi! (Yes, I was born in Kolkata and I’ve lived here my whole life)

KFC Guy: Thank you for visiting KFC. Please come again. 

Me: Dhoonobaad! Ami already come kore niyechi! (Thanks, I’ve already come!) (It’s a double meaning, I ain’t gonna explain it)

KFC Guy: Errrrrr……

*Our sides are aching from all the trolling*

*Success*

 

i-see-what-you-did-there-no-text

 

The Existential Crisis!

Bacardi Nh7 Weekender was around the corner.

I’d promised CG that I’d get him a free ticket. (I’d just started working in a creative agency and we get free passes to whatever gig was happening in town).

CG: Dude!

Me: What?

CG: Weekender ticket?!

Me: What about it?

CG: Where’s is it? MS and co have already got theirs!

Me: That’s nice…

CG: Where’s mine!?!

Me: There are more things important in life than a music festival….

CG: Dude! Don’t do this to me! All my friends are going! And they’ll be crashing at our place! I can’t be sitting at home while they are at the festival!

Me: So get one…

CG: Dude! I’m broke!

Me: Seeesh! Drama queen! I’ll get you!

CG: Yay!

Me: It’s not like I have someone special in my life for whom I’d wing free passes.

CG: That’s right! Bros before hoes!

Me: F*** off! You ch***!

CG: There’s nothing vaginal about me! 😛

Me: Yes, there is. Your whole bloody existence is one!

CG: Errrrrrr…. #Facepalm!

Troll_Face

The Spelling Bee Champ!

BR and AS walk upto me during a house party.

BR: Yo!

Me: Wassup?

BR: Dude, can you spell ‘puncture’?

Me: Yeah sure. P-U-N-C-T-U-R-E.

AS: Burn!!

BR: Shit! Ok, can you spell ‘tuition’?

Me: Yeah, T-U-I-T-I-O-N.

AS: Woohoo!

BR: Shit!

Me: Whats happening? What’s with the spelling bee?

AS: BR thought that puncture is spelled as ‘puncher’ and tuition as ‘tution’!

Me: Ha! Haven’t you seen those mis-spelled memes? 

BR: Errrrr….. Ok spell ‘miscellaneous’.

Me: Piece of cake. M-I-S-C-E-L-L-A-N-E-O-U-S! Yeah! 

BR: Shit! F** off man! 

Me: I guess you didn’t know that as well. 

BR: Whatever man!

Me: Like a boss baby, like a boss!

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