Gone Girl!

Le Gf and I were discussing about the latest dressing trend in Bangalore.

Me: Is it just me or most young women in Bangalore are beginning to dress the same?

Le Gf: Go on…

Me: Hear me out. All of them wear black jeggings, leggings or whatever they are called. They pair that up with a cropped top, long hair that’s parted sideways and bright shade of red lipstick, say Ruby Woo by MAC.

Le Gf: Yeah….

Me: I wonder where do get people get away with calling themselves individualistic and yet manage to be part of the herd…

Le Gf: Imagine if your girl got kidnapped and you went to cops to report it?

Me: Why?

Le Gf: So you would have to describe her right?

Me: Yeah….

Le Gf: So…. She was wearing black leggings, blue cropped top, long hair parted sideways, red lipstick!

Me: Hahahaha!

Le Gf: Cops are gonna be like “Bro… You just described all the girls in the city!”

Me: Yeah… Poor souls…

 

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This post has been issued in public interested. Please dress differently. Just saying. I don’t want upload pics to prove a point!

The Thing About Food…

*At office, working on a client project*

Me: Listen, use this picture for the Facebook post for today…

Colleague: I don’t think it’s a smart idea…

Me: Why not?

Colleague: Because the picture isn’t clear…

Me: What you talking about? It’s a hi-def picture with smiling kids.. What more do you want?

Colleague: Yeah… But the plates in front of them is very shiny, it looks very shiny because of the flash…

Me: That’s fine…. Use some nice Instagram like filter… Did you know that they have recommendation for which filter to use which talking pictures of food, so that your food looks sexy? 

Colleague: Yeah… I’ve read that…

Me: So go ahead…

Colleague: But the picture doesn’t have straight food!!!

Me: As opposed to gay food? 

Colleague: Ummmm….?

Me: Yeah….. That’s what I thought… Now upload that pic!

Colleague: Sigh… Fine….

*Victory*

*Sometimes I think that I should become a full time copywriter*

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Let Your Elbows Do The Talking!

Lady boss and I were discussing about stretching. She turned out to be more flexible than me, since she does yoga.

Me: Fine! I give up! You’re more flexible than me!

Lady Boss: Woohoo!

Me: But….

Lady Boss: What?

Me: Can you lick your elbows?

Lady Boss: What?

Me: Can you lick your elbows?

Lady Boss: I dunno… Lemme try….

*Tries licking her elbows*

*Me and WB are ROLF-ing*

WB: I can’t believe you fell for that… No one can lick their elbows!

Lady Boss: What? What cheap antics!

Me: That’s nothing, you should walk upto busty women in bars and ask them if they could touch elbows behind their backs!

Lady Boss: Wow… Really? So cheap!

Me: People fall for it all the time!

Lady Boss: No way! Women aren’t that dumb. They know when they are being taken for a ride!

Me: They fall for it, ALL THE TIME! Here, I’ll show you!

*Call out to a female colleague*

Chick #1: Yeah?

Me: Can you make your elbows touch behind your back?

Chick #1: Let me try!

*She goes on for about two – three minutes*

Lady Boss: Oh god! What are you doing?

Chick #1: Trying to make my elbows touch each other behind my back!

Lady Boss: These guys are doing it so that they can see your boobs!

Chick #1: Huh? What? Damn!

*Me and WB are ROLF-ing even more*

Me: See, I told you, chicks fall for it.

Lady Boss: That was a fluke!

Me: Fine… I’ll prove it!

*Call out another female colleague from a different room*

Chick #2: What?

Me: Can you make your elbows touch behind your back?

Chick #2: Let me try!

*She does the same thing*

Chick #2: Oh wait! You guys are so cheap! I know what you’re trying to do!

*Even more ROLF-ing*

Chick #1: Atleast you figured it out! I entertained them for about five minutes without even realizing!

Lady Boss: Fine! You guys made your point! Cheapskates!

Me: Woohoo!

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Spit Or Swallow!

Flu season was going on in office. Everyone got sick. It’s funny what Bangalore weather does to you!

WB: Dude!

Me: Yeah?

WB: Could you suggest any medicine for sore throat?

Me: You could try Alex or Kofmed…

WB: Ok….

Me: But I usually prefer this gargle called Betadine…

WB: So what do you do?

Me: You just gargle with it, twice a day till your soreness vanishes!

WB: Do you have to swallow it?

Me: Errrrr…..

Lady Boss: It’s called a gargle for a reason!

WB: Ok..Ok! I was just clarifying

Lady Boss: It’s spit not swallow!

WB: I got that!

Me: That’s an awesome pick up line!

Lady Boss: What is?

Me: Spit or swallow!

Lady Boss: How?

Me: Hey baby, do you spit or you swallow?

Lady Boss: Oh god why?

Me: 😀

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What Is Snail Mail?

We were getting trained to use a new CRM software called Zoho.

Lady Boss: So when you click here, the RM sends an email to the client directly.

Everyone: Alright…

Lady Boss: And if you want to send a snail mail, you click over here. It generates the invoice to be printed.

Everyone: Alright….

NMD: Ummmm….

Lady Boss: What?

NMD: What is snail mail…?

Lady Boss: Really?

NMD: Yeah… What is it?

Lady Boss: Back in the day, we had regular mail.

NMD: Yes….

Lady Boss: Then electronic mail came out…

NMD: Yes…

Lady Boss: Which was faster than your regular mail. So now, the regular mail is now snail mail…

NMD: Ok….

Lady Boss: You got it?

NMD: But why is called snail mail? It doesn’t move as fast as a snail…!

Everyone: Oh god!

*Facepalm moment*

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You’ve Got Balls!

By this time, we were drunk out of our skulls. So please excuse the language.

*While playing with the dogs at the farmhouse*

NMD: Anyone got a ball? Anyone?

Guy #1: Hahaha! I have!

NMD: Pass it!

Guy #1: You know, I was about to say that I have one ball, but then I have two balls, so I didn’t say that I have a ball…

NMD: Errr… Ok….

Guy #2: No dude…. You got more than two balls!

Guy #1: I do?

Guy #2: Yeah… See….

*Excluding graphic details*

Guy #2: Now I have more balls!

NMD: What are you, like the Medusa of balls?

Guy #2: Yes!

Guy #1: So if anyone looks at your balls, they will turn into stone?

Guy #2: Yes!

Me: Oh god please, please don’t show me your balls!

*Thank god I didn’t have to see it*

*Not that, he would have shown it*

*Just clarifying*

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Do You Even Bukake?

Location: Farm house, middle of nowhere.

Scene: Very drunk and high on *substances*

#ThatAwkwardMomentWhenJoinAConversationAndDontKnowWhatPeopleAreTalkingAbout

Lady Boss: Dude!

NMD: What?

Lady Boss: Where you in my house when that bukake shit was happening?

NMD: What???

Lady Boss: That bukake shit!

NMD: What do you think bukake means?

Lady Boss: Arre…. That spitting thing…

NMD: I think you need to check what bukake really means…

Lady Boss: Dude whatever! Where you there in my house or not?

NMD: Why would I be there in your house while there was bukake happening?

Lady Boss: Aaaargh! Nevermind!

*Drunk me sitting in the corner*

Me: WTF did I hear just now???

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