Gone Girl!

Le Gf and I were discussing about the latest dressing trend in Bangalore.

Me: Is it just me or most young women in Bangalore are beginning to dress the same?

Le Gf: Go on…

Me: Hear me out. All of them wear black jeggings, leggings or whatever they are called. They pair that up with a cropped top, long hair that’s parted sideways and bright shade of red lipstick, say Ruby Woo by MAC.

Le Gf: Yeah….

Me: I wonder where do get people get away with calling themselves individualistic and yet manage to be part of the herd…

Le Gf: Imagine if your girl got kidnapped and you went to cops to report it?

Me: Why?

Le Gf: So you would have to describe her right?

Me: Yeah….

Le Gf: So…. She was wearing black leggings, blue cropped top, long hair parted sideways, red lipstick!

Me: Hahahaha!

Le Gf: Cops are gonna be like “Bro… You just described all the girls in the city!”

Me: Yeah… Poor souls…

 

eveil-laugh-gif

This post has been issued in public interested. Please dress differently. Just saying. I don’t want upload pics to prove a point!

Honey. Mustard. Mayo.

Mom and I were making dips for starters at home.

Me: Here, try this…

Mom: Yummy! It’s delicious!

*Dad enters the scene*

Dad: Give me some too!

Me: Here!

Dad: Yummy! What is it?

Me: Honey Mustard Mayo!

Dad: What does it have?

Me: It’s Honey Mustard Mayo!

Dad: So… What did you make it with?

Me: Well…. Honey… Mustard and Mayonnaise…

Dad: Oh nice…

Me: #Facepalm

 

what-did-you-just-say

Et Tu, Brute?

Le Gf, JK, his gf – JS and I were headed out for the evening. Double date sorta thing.

While coming towards the car, JK and JS seemed to fighting about something.

*As they entered the car*

JS: I don’t like the smell ok?

JK: Then you don’t have any taste in life!

JS: Look… It just doesn’t smell good ok?

JK: What are you talking about? It’s a classic smell!

Me: What are you both arguing about?

JS: He uses Brut cologne. I told him that the fragrance doesn’t suit him. He wont listen to me!

JK: Dude! It’s Brut! It’s a classic fragrance!

JS: It’s gives off an old-man-like-smell!

JK: Look! It’s Brut! Argument closed!

JS: Whatever! Don’t complain if I’m always standing far away from you!

JK: Dude!

Me: Yeah?

JK: You have used Brut right?

Me: Yes… Once upon a time…

JK: Tell me, which woman doesn’t like the smell of Brut? It’s a classic musk smell!

Me: Ummmm…. Women who don’t have any daddy issues, don’t like Brut? Because it reminds them of that “Old Man Smell”….

JS: Aha! Told you!

JK: Chu….!

Me: Hahaha!

 

lol

 

Things People Say And All…

Le Gf and I were watching the re-run of the 2015 Grammy Awards.

Me: You know, Sam Smith won four Grammy awards today!

Le Gf: Who’s Sam Smith?

Me: You don’t know him?

Le Gf: No…

Me: He’s this gay singer…

*Le Gf shoots me a look that said*

“How could you say that?”

“You think you’re better than everyone else?”

“Just because you don’t like someone’s music, that means that they’re gay?”

“You think you have a better taste in music than everyone else?”

“You are so judgmental!”

“How could you be so intolerant?”

“Who are you to decide what music genre is “cool”?”

“Jeez, you’re so condescending!”  

*What she actually said*

Le Gf: Hmmmm… Okay…

*Sam Smith comes on stage*

Sam Smith: I want to thank the man who this record is about, who I fell in love with last year…. By breaking my heart, you got me four Grammys.

Le Gf: So…. He’s actually gay….?

Me: Yeah… That’s what I said, he’s a gay singer…

Le Gf: No.. Yes… I heard that… I just thought that you were being….

Me: Nasty? Profiling? Intolerant?

Le Gf: Errrr….

Me: Jeez….

Le Gf: My bad….

 

adele shit happens

You’ve Got Balls!

By this time, we were drunk out of our skulls. So please excuse the language.

*While playing with the dogs at the farmhouse*

NMD: Anyone got a ball? Anyone?

Guy #1: Hahaha! I have!

NMD: Pass it!

Guy #1: You know, I was about to say that I have one ball, but then I have two balls, so I didn’t say that I have a ball…

NMD: Errr… Ok….

Guy #2: No dude…. You got more than two balls!

Guy #1: I do?

Guy #2: Yeah… See….

*Excluding graphic details*

Guy #2: Now I have more balls!

NMD: What are you, like the Medusa of balls?

Guy #2: Yes!

Guy #1: So if anyone looks at your balls, they will turn into stone?

Guy #2: Yes!

Me: Oh god please, please don’t show me your balls!

*Thank god I didn’t have to see it*

*Not that, he would have shown it*

*Just clarifying*

shit-motherfucker-shit

Do You Even Bukake?

Location: Farm house, middle of nowhere.

Scene: Very drunk and high on *substances*

#ThatAwkwardMomentWhenJoinAConversationAndDontKnowWhatPeopleAreTalkingAbout

Lady Boss: Dude!

NMD: What?

Lady Boss: Where you in my house when that bukake shit was happening?

NMD: What???

Lady Boss: That bukake shit!

NMD: What do you think bukake means?

Lady Boss: Arre…. That spitting thing…

NMD: I think you need to check what bukake really means…

Lady Boss: Dude whatever! Where you there in my house or not?

NMD: Why would I be there in your house while there was bukake happening?

Lady Boss: Aaaargh! Nevermind!

*Drunk me sitting in the corner*

Me: WTF did I hear just now???

Sam-and-Cat-awkward-GIF

Kitty’s Got Claws!

At the company BBQ party.

About this point in time, we were two bottles of alcohol and countless beers down.

Dude Boss: You know, if Whiny and I were married…

Lady Boss: Eh what?

Dude Boss: Yeah, if me and Whiny were married, not the love kind… I mean the bro type… We would totally live on a farm and do farming!

Me: Yeah!

Lady Boss: Hello. NMD is here only. Atleast don’t discuss your plans to cheat on him, out in open!

NMD: Yeah! What the hell…

Dude Boss: Errrrrr…..

NMD: Couldn’t you have waited for me to go out of earshot, before you decided to cheat on me?

Dude Boss: Errrr….

Me: Big deal…. Besides, If any skank  tries to steal Dude Boss away from me, Imma gonna smack her down!

Dude Boss: Yeah! Bros before hoes!

*Fist bump*

Lady Boss: Oh god….

Me: I’ll totally like, claw their eyes and all… Like… MEOW…

Lady Boss: Wow…. Did you really say that just now?

Me: Yes…. Hisssss! Kitty’s got claws!

Lady Boss: Yes…. Ladies totally beware!

Me: Yeah! Bros before hoes! Bitches stay away!

*Fist bump, part2*

NMD: Hello skanks, I’m still here!

Me: Meow! Hissss!

NMD: Jeez! Fine, you can have him!

Me: Victory shall be mine!

endless-catfight_mean_girls

I just realized that this conversation had no point whatsoever!

#JustSaying