The Secret Of Wallflowers

Well, before people start losing their mind at the sight of my desperateness displayed on my previous post, I’d thought I’ll post something about myself.

Hi, I’m the Whiny Guy,

I’m 26 (as of today) and live in Bangalore. I work in a creative agency and I love every bit of it. I know that this is an anonymous profile, but hang on, things do get better! 😀

Before you get an image of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs, Let me clarify, NO. I don’t own a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere nor do I have a well.

I’m not good at blowing my own trumpet. I’m fun when I’m in good spirits and I’m much more fun when I’m drowning in spirits. I’ve varied interests; ranging from driving, playing guitar, reading books, composing music, travelling, talking about random stuff, photography and visiting outdoor concerts, if I have company, you can pretty much coax me into doing anything!

At the risk of sounding corny, if you have similar interests – then mail me!

What I’m Doing With My Life:

I’ve a master plan that involves me living a swanky cool life. While I’m waiting for that to happen, I’m a workaholic on the weekdays and an alcoholic on the weekends!

I’m Really Good At:

Pretty much bs-ing my way through anything. On the plus side, I’m a decent cook, can strum a few chords on the guitar, give advice to people who don’t need it, make awesome cocktails and I’m pretty decent at photography and also have three blogs! (Yes, three blogs! Ever wondered where to those links on my blog lead to?)

The First Things People Usually Notice About Me:

  • My eyes
  • My smile
  • My ability to talk a lot
  • My obsession with tv shows and memes
  •  My irritating habit of correcting people about music

Favorite Books:

  • The Doors Of Perceptions
  • Susan Townsend Books
  • Jeffery Archer Books
  • Michael Crichton Books
  • Dan Brown Books

Favorite Movies:

Whatever I’m in the mood for. I love Jurassic Park, I love Superbad, I love Star Wars. If I have company, I can watch anything.

Favorite Shows:

  • House MD
  • A Game of Thrones
  • Archer
  • Family Guy
  • American Dad
  • The Big Bang Theory
  • That Seventies Show
  • Futurama
  • Workahlics
  • The Simpsons
  • The Office

Favorite Music:

I love rock and it’s kazillion genres.

Grunge to funk, hard rock to metalcore, it’s all good. Also a big fan of Trance music.

Favorite Food:

I love food! Have food will eat. No discrimination, though preference will be shown towards non-veg.

Six Things I Could Never Do Without:

  •  Listen to music
  •   A good book to read
  •   A good tv show
  •   Quality time with friends
  •   Laughing at myself
  •   Eat!!!

Spend A Lot Of Time Thinking About:

How cool it would be if all of us had super powers.

The Most Private Thing I’m Willing To Admit:

I listen to Lana Del Ray when I’m driving.

 

Phew, that’s a long list! So go ahead, mail me

 

This has been another rant by The Whiny Guy’,

Short Skirt And A Loooooooong Jacket!

So it’s come to this. It’s another year and I’m still single. My Facebook page resembles matrimonial site these days and my heights of desperation has reached new heights.

So  I’m going to tell you all kind of a woman I’m looking for and if you happen to know anyone or are interested in dating an anonymous blogger, please mail into thewhinyguy[at]gmail[dot]com.

 

I’m serious. Like doubly serious.

Please read the following in the same tune as “Short Skirt / Long Jacket” by Cake.

I want a girl (I mean woman),

Who is humorous,

Likes the little things in life,

Is independent,

Is ambitious,

Is well groomed,

Knows the difference between ‘there’ and ‘their’,

Thinks that Edward Cullen is a faggot and the stuff Christian Grey would do to you is not romantic, is psychotic.

 

I want a girl, (by that, I still mean woman),

Who has no baggage,

Is outgoing,

Loves watching Edgar Wright movies,

Stands her ground when it comes to music,

Can abusive in three different languages,

Doesn’t mind slapping people when required.

And lastly, owns a pair of black slim fit jeans. (Don’t ask me why, I just do)

 

Also, you need to be based out of Bangalore!

This has been another rant by The Whiny Guy. 😀

The Day I Lost Her, Forever….

This is how I remembered it.

 

Time: 8 pm, 4th August.

Venue: Soundawake Festival

 

The Shapeshifters were on stage and they were killing it. I was there with NM, pleasantly high and 0% alcohol in my blood. The crowd was in the zone, dancing away in the midst of all the fireworks and light effects.

NM suggested that we go to the counter for some booze, I agreed. I walked behind him. He had coupons with him already, so he headed straight to the alcohol counter, I on the other hand, headed straight to the coupon counter.

The line wasn’t long, but it was crowded. People were shoving each other and the guys at the counter were taking their own sweet time. They scanned an RIFD card every time you brought coupons. That got converted into loyalty points, which you could redeem for goodies. Anyhow, back to my story. I reached the crowded counter and found myself sandwiched between two gorgeous women. I didn’t mind, they were gorgeous after all, but my main focus was to get my coupons.

The line didn’t move for a while and people got impatient. There was some jostling from the back, I didn’t mind though. Jostling meant that the gorgeous chick would press her body towards mine, and who am I to say no to that? Soon it was my turn, I reached the counter, waved three hundred rupee notes and asked for the coupons for the same denomination. The transaction was completed in a flash and I was out of there in a jiffy. I walked a few step steps towards the booze counter and I froze in my tracks.

My left pocket was EMPTY!

I couldn’t believe it! I ran my hands though all the pockets of my cargo shorts and there was nothing. My phone was gone! Instantly, I ran towards the coupon counter and looked at the ground there, hoping that the phone had slipped out from my pocket and it was still lying there. But no, there was no sign of the phone. I walked up to the counter and asked the personnel over there whether someone had kept a phone on the counter, saying that they found it on the ground. They answered in negative.

My heart was beating fast, my forehead – sweaty. Even in the chilly Bangalore wind, I was beginning to feel hot. Ideas was flowing fast through my mind.

“Where’s NM? Maybe he can call up my phone!”

“What if I can’t find NM, should I meet him by the car after the show?”

“Could I track the phone using IMEI number?”

“How can I lose a phone? It’s so not me!”

And finally, “I should retrace my steps!”

 

I retraced my steps all the way to the main arena where the show was on a flow. Every one was dancing, drinking, clicking pictures, oblivious to me, almost on my knees and searching on the ground. I had walked back and forth twice and there wasn’t my sign of my phone.

I couldn’t believe that it was happening to me. It was a Google Nexus 4, which means that I brought directly from the Google Play Store, hence no insurance coverage. I was not sure what to do. To make things worse, I had no idea where NM was.

I just stood there, my feet rooted to the spot, until someone tapped on my shoulders. I turned around to see that it was NM. NM had been standing near me for a while and noticed that I was behaving in a weird manner. “What happened dude?”, he asked. “I…..I lost my phone man”, was response. NM had a shocked look on his face, “Are you f***ing kidding me? How? What? Where? When?”. “I’m not too sure, I was at the counter when I still had the phone with me. After I left the counter, my pocket my empty! I don’t know what to do! I checked everywhere!”. I was almost in a state of breakdown. “Just relax dude, here take phone and call your phone”, NM suggested. I did just that, “Shit! Switched off! The f***er who took my phone is smart!”. “Wanna walk around the path and see if you’ve dropped it?”. At that point, every stupid idea seemed like a ray of hope.

The dance floor had reached it’s peak by then. People were jumping, dancing, moshing even. In the midst of all that I was searching the floor with the flashlight on NM’s phone. A couple kids saw us and walked up to us. “Wassup bro? Lost something?”, they asked. “Yeah, dude… My phone”. “Holy F**! What phone dude?”. “The Nexus 4”. “Oh..My God! Shit! Tough luck bro! How’d it happen?”.“Not sure, maybe it slipped out of my pocket or someone flicked it from my pocket. Either ways, it’s gone”, I wasn’t sure why I even bothered to tell them the whole story. It’s not like they could help me in any way.

We must have spent around thirty odd minutes, combing through the arena. Or at least the part of the arena where I was. The whole arena was humongous. In the midst of all that, I started laughing. “I can’t believe this! Out of all the people, who could lose a phone, it HAD to be me!”. “Relax bro, shit happens. Wanna grab a drink?”, NM asked.

Me: Sure, why not?

NM: A beer?

Me: F*** the beer. Get me some hard liquor!

NM: That’s what I’m talking about!

*After about a half hour*

NM: You know what?

Me: What?

NM: You should write about this in your blog.

Me: Sure, why not?

NM: Hahaha! That’s the spirit.

 

nexus_4

 

The Wingman

Since I don’t have a girlfriend, my friends usually ask me tag along with them to parties so that I help them pick up chicks.

Very similar to “Have you met Ted?” from the sitcom, How I Met Your Mother. DG asked me to tag along with him to a party where he was meeting his current squeeze, let’s call her The Chick. My job was simple, regale her with stories which would make her swoon all over DG. Pretty simple, right? Well, no. The problem is, after the few drinks, DG kinda becomes a bit too emotional. You know, the soap opera or the saas-bahu type overacting we’ve come to know, thanks to Ekta Kapoor and her cronies.

Bit of background information:

Six months back, DG and I were at a party and DG was head over heels with this chick, let’s call her PYT. Half a bottle of whiskey down, DG was in his element or at least in his own mind. A very inebriated DG is fun to watch at first, then it becomes boring and finally sad. Anyways, DG’s overtures were not reciprocated and there were a couple of super hilarious incidents, which led to DG finally admitting, “Dude, I don’t think she’s ever coming back….” The whole ordeal lasted over three hours. Lots of people know about this incident, and The Chick happened to be one.

Anyways, coming back to the present. The mood was good and The Chick was already in DG’s arm. Now was the time for the kill.

*Let’s say five drinks down. I’m talking Long Island Ice Tea*

Me: So TC, DG is a very caring guy….

The Chick: Hehehehehe…. Tell me something that I don’t know already…. 😉

DG: Awwww… So sweet of you man….

Me: Did you know he cooks really well too?

The Chick: Huh? Is that true? DG you HAVE to invite me home sometime!

DG: Yes..Yes…For you, yes….

Me: See…. So caring…. Such a sweetheart he is!

The Chick: Awwwww…. I know…. But I’ve heard that his heart is set on PYT….Is that true?

Me: Pffftt! What nonsense! Who PYT?

DG: Dude, that chick from that party where I got drunk and………..

Me: #facepalm

*Awkward Silence*

Me: Lots of girls have a thing for DG, but he’s never swayed! 

The Chick: So sweet…. I wish I was as lucky as PYT…Sigh….

Me: Oh please…. She was some random chick… No one even knows where she is!

DG: Haven’t you heard? She’s getting married! 

Me: (muttering) Dude….STFU….

The Chick: Oh is it? Are you going?

DG: No…. She didn’t invite me…. Or else I would have gone…

Me: #facepalm

The Chick: Oh…Ok….

*Awkward Silence*

Me: He’s just kidding! He’s just pulling your leg!

The Chick: DG! So funny you are!

DG: I loved her man! But she didn’t love me back! I was hurt man!

Me: (muttering) Dude…. Stop ruining this for yourself…

DG: And dude, you shouldn’t badmouth her! She’s a very nice girl… From a very nice family…

Me: Uh…Huh…..

The Chick: Uh…..Well, look at the time… I think I need to leave now… Bye guys…. It was nice meeting you… Bye…

*And she was out of the place before you could say ‘Egg Foo Yung’*

Me: Well… She’s gone.. Nice way to ruin it…Douche…!

DG: Yeah…. You think she’s coming back….?

Me: You’d think so, Sherlock?

 

are-fucking-kdding-me-gif

An Ode To No One…

I’m in a very melancholic mood today. So I’d thought I’ll post something different from my usual rant.

This is something, I wrote for someone I used to know.

 

 

It felt like heaven, when you were around me.

I don’t know, what those few days we spent together have done to me.

Getting over you was the last thing I wanted,

And even when I tried to, you didn’t let me.

Every time I close my  eyes, to think of some happy moments,

All I see, is you……

 

I shall go back to listening to some music. Bryan Adams is the favorite for the day. Man, that guy can sing.