Say It Isn’t So!

I moved back with my parents last month.

Most Weekends:

Parents: What are your plans for the weekend?

Me: I guess I’ll go out partying on Saturday with the gang.

Parents: Will you  be back late in the night?

Me: No, I think I’ll crash at NM’s or JK’s place!

Parents: We think that you should spend more time at home. You are never around!

Me: I’m always here! From Monday to Saturday!

Parents: Yeah, but you’re at work the whole day and once you’re back, you’re locked up inside your room. You don’t come and talk to us. 

Me: Jeez! We’re not having this conversation again!

Parents: Stop treating our house like a hotel! You never help around with the chores! 

And this goes on and on……

This Weekend:

Parents: What’s your weekend plan?

Me: No plans. Planning to stay at home.

Parents: Oh…..

Me: Why what happened?

Parents: Well, one of our family friends will be coming for dinner on Saturday and they will be staying back.

Me: So?

Parents: So if you’re not here, they can probably take your room.

Me: What’s wrong with the guest room? 

Parents: The bed will be a bit too small. There are three of them.

Me: Hmmmm and? 

Parents: So if you could make yourself scarce this weekend, it’ll be good!

Me: Jeez! There’s no pleasing you people!

 

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Thick As A Wall!

My dad at times is as thick as a wall. I think it’s due to mid life crisis. My mom calls it man-o-pause. According to her, similar to menopause, men undergo a this where they go all crabby and cranky at everything. They start regretting all the things they haven’t done in life such driving a Ferrari convertible through the streets of Monaco or sailing on a yacht off the coast of Ibiza.

Location: At home

Time: After a long day at work

*Action*

Me: Guess what happened in office today?

Dad: You guys got that big client on board?

Me: Even better!

Dad: You guys got two big clients on board?

Me: Meh! The microwave in the office exploded!

Dad: What? How?

Me: Someone decided to boil an egg and they put it the whole egg!

Dad: And?

Me: The microwave exploded!

Dad: What you mean exploded?

Me: It exploded! The glass dish was shattered and the door was blown off the hinge!

Dad: How it the glass break?

Me: Because the egg exploded!

Dad: How is that possible?

Me: I dunno! Apparently you’re not supposed to boil eggs in the microwave.

Dad: Alright.

Me: You should have seen the mess! The egg and shiz was all over the kitchen floor!

Dad: You seem very excited at the thought of the broken microwave!

Me: Jeez! Who died and made the king of party-pooper-ville?

Dad: Errrr?

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This was written as a part of Indiblogger and Cadbury Five Star‘s #ConditionSeriousHai contest.

Boy Or Girl, We Want A Marriage!

The topic of my marriage seems to be on everyone’s lips. Not exactly sure why, but everyone around me is more interested in getting me married than me.

Recently CR got married and so did another guy in my family friends circle and both of them are younger to me. At CR’s engagement ceremony, all the aunties caught hold of me. The aunties whom I know, are more shameless than roadside romeos.

Aunty #1: So dude, when are you getting married?

Mom: Married? He’s least interested. All he wants to do his loaf around with girls!

Me: Mom!

Aunty #2: That’s not good! You have to settle down!

Aunty #3: How old are you now!

Me: Only 26!

Aunty #1: CR and RD are both 25 and both of them are getting married later this month!

Me: So?

Aunty #2: So you should get married next year!

Aunty #3: Then we’ll have another fancy engagement party!

*All aunties high five each other*

Me: #FML!

Aunty #2: So do you have a girlfriend?

Me: Errrr… No…

Aunty #1: Or a girl in mind?

Me: Ummmmm, no….

Aunty #2: What is this? You need to start searching asap!

Me: Yeah yeah, soon!

Aunty #3: Fine, if not a girl, then any boyfriend?

Me: What!?

Aunty #1: It fine with us if you’re gay! We’re all cool with that!

Aunty #2: Yeah, we’ll still give a proper Bengali marriage as soon as we figure out who’s going to be the male and the female in the marriage!

*All aunties high five each other once again*

Me: Oh, lord. What fresh hell is this..!?

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No Country For Vegetarians

On my birthday, I treat I’m forced to treat my friends. The difference being, instead of taking them out to a pub, I get to call them home and treat them to delicious home cooked meal. My mom is a great f***ing awesome cook. And my friends love her cooking as well.

On one such occasion.

Me: Ma, I need to treat my friends for my birthday. 

Mom: Alright, no problem. But you need to do all the shopping.

Me: Sure. I’ll take take of that.

Mom: So, who are all coming? 

Me: The usual gang, plus MS and CG.

Mom: Alright. What dishes do you want me to make. 

Me: Same thing that you make every year. Biriyani, mutton, chicken, prawn and fish fry. 

Mom: Phew, that’s a relief!

Me: And paneer and gobi (cauliflower) for CG and MS.

Mom: Why especially for them?

Me: Because they are vegetarians..

Mom: Omg, now I have to cook for them too.  Extra work for me. 

Me: Big deal. It’s just two dishes.

Mom: No. I’ll have to make dal and something dry as well. It’s not like they can eat the……. Oh wait, now I have make veg pulao for them too!

Me: Or just plain rice?

Mom: Nah, that won’t look good… You know that, don’t call them. Simple.

Me: Hahahahaha! Right!

Mom: I’m serious…

Me: Errrr…..

*Later that week*

CG: Hey! When’s your birthday treat?

Me: Ummmmm…. Not happening..

CG Why not?!

Me: Logistical issues.

CG: Like what?

Me: My mom doesn’t wanna cook vegetarian food, so…..

CG: Say what? No vegetarian food? This is OUTRAGEOUS!

Me: Errrrrr…..

CG: VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

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Photo courtesy: Micheal Murphy.

That’s My Daughter!

CG: Hey!

Me: What?

CG: Wanna go to that Marwari store and pick up groceries?

Me: Sure…

*On the way*

CG: I find the shopkeeper’s daughter cute. Don’t you think she’s cute?

Me: I suppose so….

CG: I’m gonna chat with her today.

Me: Go for it!

CG: Awwwright!

*We reach the store*

Me: We need rice, milk, bread and some chocolates. Here’s some money.

CG: You aren’t coming?

Me: Nah, don’t wanna kill your charm.

CG: Yes, good. Wish me luck!

Me: You got it!

*After 15 mins*

Me: How’d it go?

CG: Not too good.

Me: Why? What happened?

CG: The entire family was in the shop. Her mom, sister and her father.

Me: Damn….

CG: You wanna know something funny?

Me: What?

CG: The mom and the sisters, all look alike.

Me: Ok and..?

CG: No resemblance to the father.

Me: Uh huh….

CG: What did he contribute to their genes?

Me: I dunno….

CG: Maybe she’s good at maths. That’s the father’s contribution.

Me: Oh…God…  #facepalm

 

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I Don’t Like The Drugs, But The Drugs Like Me!

Dad calls me up.

Dad: Hey, what’s that tablet you take for your cold?

Me: Okacet. 

Dad: Could you spell it out for me?

Me: Sure!

OAs in Opium 

KAs in Ketamine

AAs in Amphetamine 

CAs in Cocaine

EAs in Ectasy

TAs in Timmy, don’t do drugs.

Dad: Errrr, ok. Thanks. 

Me: Anytime!

 

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