Being Circumcised!

Earlier this year, I was in my beard growing phase. Well, I had decided that I will keep changing my beard style every two months. This was during those two months.

Anyhow, I was at my usual Bong family get-together. Bong as in Bengali, not the one you smoke with.

Some of mom’s friends complimented me on the beard but of them a major issue with my beard.

She: What is that thing growing on your face?

Me: You mean my manly beard?

She: No, that pubic hair on your face!

Me: Ouch! Is that yours look like?

#Burn

She: Oh, you think you’re very smart, don’t you?

Me: Maybe?

She: Fine. Whatever!

Me: Yeah. Whatever.

She: You look like a Muslim cleric.

Me: Eh?

She: Yeah, grow beards as long as yours!

Me: No, they don’t. And I have a moustache! They don’t! 

She: Almost same no!

Me: So?

She: Fine, there is one more difference.

Me: What?

She: Your d*ck isn’t circumcised!

Me: What? Fine.

#Burn

She got me there. What a burn. I shall have my revenge!

This is what I looked like:

This is my “I work in an ad agency” look. #bored #monday #office #beard #beardo #bangalore #selfie #glasses

A photo posted by The Kolesmeister (@kolesmeister) on

The year so far:

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Up In The Air

The whole family was out for lunch. We decided to go to Church Street Social and by the time we were done, we were pretty tipsy. Dad was decently drunk, I know that because when he’s drunk, he talks a lot. Like, a lot!

So on the way back, there were loads of a-hole motorists who kept on coming in my way. Not the type to back down, me and my bro were taking turns flipping them off. I was driving, my bro was in the passenger’s seat while my parents were in the back.

After a while…

Dad: Why are you both pointing at the roof from time to time?

*Bro, Mom and Me gave my dad dirty looks*

Me: Really? Are you seriously asking me that?

Dad: Yeah, why are pointing to the roof? Are you signal something to those motorists?

Mom: Yes, they are pointing to the roof… Like calling the gods to save them!

Dad: Ah ok…

*After five mins*

Dad: Ah ok! Got it! You were flipping them off!!!

Me: You’d think???

Dad: No comments….

*Blam*

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Stalkers Extreme!!!

Day: Saturday Night

Location: Parents room

Scene: Ironing my clothes

*Action*

Me: Mom, Dad. I’d thought, let you know that I’m dating someone.

*Mom sits up straight*

Mom: Really?

Me: Yes.

Mom: Great! I don’t have to find a bride for you!

Me: Errrrr, yes….

Mom: What’s her name?

Me: *******.

Mom: Where’s she from? 

Me: Hyderabad.

Mom: Gulti?

Me: Not exactly. Half gulti, quarter tamil and quarter bengali.

Mom: Jeez, all your girlfriends are such rare specimens no?

Me: Ummmmm….

Mom: Does she have a last name or does she have a string of initials like A.B.C.D *******? 

Me: She’s got a last name. 

Mom: Can she speak bengali?

Me: I guess she can understand but not speak.

Mom: Fine, teach her bengali before you marry her. Then I can communicate with her easily.

Me: Jeez…. I’m out of here!

*After five minutes, I go back into that room*

*Dad is on his iphone and mom on her laptop*

Dad: Does she work in ****** ****** ******? (Worlds second largest spirits brand).

Me: What? You googled her?

Dad: Yeah… We wanted to put a face to that name. 

Mom: This is her facebook profile, right? 

Dad: Her linkedin profile looks good! 

Me: Oh god…. Tell me that this is not happening!

Mom: What is this company? 

Dad: Spirits. As in they sell alcohol. 

Mom: Oh, that’s why you’re dating her?

Me: Eh?

Mom: So if she leaves that job, you’re going to break up with her, right? 

Me: Oh god! What fresh hell is this? 

#facepalm 

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Cocky Me, Not So Cocky You!

I’ve been told that on numerous occasions that, at times, after a few rounds of booze I can be a big dic male genitalia.

Scene #1

PBA: Dude!

Me: What?

PBA: I’ve removed you from my friends list on Facebook!

Me: Really? Since when?

PBA: A few months back!

Me: Ah ok….
PBA: Because you’re an assh*le at times.

Me: Alright fine…

PBA: Hmmm…

Me: For the record, I never noticed because I don’t follow you on Facebook!

PBA: !@#!@!

Me: Touche!

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Scene #2

On my parents anniversary.

Mom: Where’s our gift?

Me: What gift?

Mom: Our anniversary gift!

Me: Ah ok…

Mom: What ok? Where is it?

Me: You’ll get it soon.

Mom: How soon is soon?

Me: Soon!

Mom: You never get us anything!

Me: I’m staying with you all no? What greater gift can it be?!

Mom: *#$%!

Me: 😀

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Scene #3

After a night of debauchery.

Me: Dude!

TM: What?

Me: Your friend ZB is such an ass! He was f***ing up my entire trip last night!

TM: So?

Me: Jeez! So get don’t get him to my place anymore!

TM: Why?

Me: Because he’s such a prick!

TM: No, you’re just pissed off because you just met someone who’s equally cocky as you!

Me: Nothing like that!
TM: The taste of your own medicine sucks, doesn’t it? 😛

Me: F*** Off!

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How Not To Get Married In 10 Days!

Same sh*t, Different day.

Mom: You’ll be 27 this year!

Me: So I’ve heard…

Mom: What are your plans regarding marriage?

Me: I’m gonna be like Hugh Hefner. Different girls every day!

Mom: I’m serious!

Me: Fine! I’ve no plans as of yet!

Mom: By what age do you want to settle down?

Me: I guess around 30.

Mom: 30??!!

Me: Yes…

Mom: That’s too late! It should be 28 at the outset!

Me: Why?

Mom: Also, you need to start searching now!

Me: Why?

Mom: Ufff! If you start searching now, only then you can settle by 28!

Me: Why?

Mom: You’ll meet people one by one, then you’d have to select them, then spend some time with them, see if you like them or not. All this takes time. It’s not like you’re going to marry the first person you meet.

Me: Point.

Mom: See, you should listen to me!

Me: So you know the type of girl I’m looking for, right?

Mom: Yes, that ridiculous list of yours!

Me: Good. You can start searching and let me know if anything good comes by!

Mom: What?!!

Me: Yeah, spread the word through your friends network!

Mom: Why should I search?

Me: Because you’re the one who wants to see me married so badly!

Mom: You want me to search and pick a woman for YOU with whom YOU will spend the rest of YOUR life?!

Me: Exactly!

Mom: Get lost! You stay unmarried then!

Me: And that is the end of our discussion!

Mom: @%@#%! Kids these days!

 

bitch please

 

Mom Knows Best…Like Really!

I’m at the dinner table and I’ve got the case of hiccups. Real bad ones.

Mom: The hiccups sounds bad.

Me: Tell me about it!

Mom: By the way, blah aunty called. 

Me: And?

Mom: Nothing much, general gossip. 

Me: Ah ok…

Mom: She also said that she spotted you near INOX last week and you were getting cozy with two women…

Me: Say whaa….?

*My mind started racing. I was at INOX last week with two women but I wasn’t anywhere near getting cozy with them*

*I heart was beating fast, like a criminal in the hot seat*

Me: I don’t know what she was talking about!

Mom: You sure?

Me: Yes!

Mom: She was really convinced that it was you!

Me: I doubt that, maybe she saw someone who resembled me…

Mom: Maybe….

Me: Yeah…

Mom: By the way, how are your hiccups? 

Me: It’s gone!

Mom: You’re welcome! 

Me: Ah! I see what you did there! 

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Moms Will Be Moms!

So I was telling my mom about the events of the The Great Golden Goose Chase.

Me: It was so funny to watch NM and JK! SH and I were standing in a corner and laughing!

Mom: So? Atleast those guys tried no? Couldn’t you have picked up a girl?

Me: Huh? What?

Mom: Instead of standing in a corner and laughing, you should have picked up a girl!

Me: For what?

Mom: To love her and then marry her!

Me: Jeez! No way!

Mom: Why not? Get married soon! 

Me: Not this sh*t again! 

*I leave the room*

Mom: This conversation isn’t over!!!

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