Trolled : Level – Baws!

This happened to a friend of mine, AS.

His friend:  Man, you gotta watch this movie! Jhoom Barabar Jhoom! It’s awesome!

AS: Really?

His friend:  Yup! It’s f***ing awesome! It’s got Abhishek Bachchan, Lara Dutta, Preity Zinta, Bobby Deol and Amitabh Bachchan! Need I say more?  

AS: Alright, I’ll watch it today at the theater. 

His friend:  Awesome!

*AS goes for the movie*

*After the first 15 mins, calls up his friend*

AS: Dude, wtf is happening? 

His friend:  Chill dude, it gets better going forward.

*After 45 mins*

AS: Dude, everyone’s got a spouse. Bloody hell?!

His friend:  Dude, hold on man!

*Interval*

AS: Dude! This movie is crap!

His friend:  The best part is after the interval! Promise!

AS: Sigh, ok!

*After the movie ends*

AS: Dude! F** you! This was the worst  piece of crap I’ve ever seen! 200 bucks gone down the drain! Why, would you do this to me?!

His friend:  Well, I didn’t want to be the only guy in college to have watched this stupid movie…. So, thanks! 😀

AS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 

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Classic Misdirection – 2

Thank god for misdirections! I’ve lost count, the number of times, I had to use one to get out of an awkward conversation.

I was at a friends wedding and I happen to ran into an old friend, PIC. A bit of a background info: I had a friends circle which had PIC, PIC’s brother and another friend of mine, TM. PIC’s brother and TM were dating at that time. After they broke up, we all took sides and I sided with TM, hence losing contact with PIC and his brother over the last two years. Also his IQ is lower than Steve Carell in Anchorman : The Legend Of Ron Burgundy.

He managed to corner me at the wedding, the conversation ranging from work, life, relationships and so on. Then the conversation started drifting towards his brother and his break up with TM (the break up was hilarious, in my opinion).

PIC: Hey, so you still in touch with TM?

Me: Yeah, we’re still in touch. 

PIC: That’s nice. You know, I missing hanging out with the old gang.

Me: Hmmmm, yeah, me too…. 

PIC: TM and I used to be good friends, you know. 

Me: Uh huh….

PIC: In fact, I introduced her to my brother..

Me: Yeah…

PIC: I dunno what went wrong. After their break up, she cut all contacts with me as well.

Me: Yeah, I know.

PIC: I can’t believe she could do that! I mean we were close man. 

Me: People move on, you should do the same.

PIC: I’ll tell you what, when we get back to Bangalore, why don’t the three of us go out? Just like old times!

Me: Errrrrr, I’m kinda busy these days….(TM hates the brothers, btw). 

PIC: C’mon man! For old times sake! 

Me: Hey! Have you noticed that the bride has got a tattoo on her left boob?!

PIC: Huh? Really?

Me: Yeah, see there!

PIC: Oh yeah..!

Me: Ok, gotta go. Nice meeting you!

PIC: Where you….. 

*I escaped! Like a boss*

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Lick Your Wounds

During the winter season, I get dry skin. And when I get dry skin, I tend to itch. I scratch so bad that I end up drawing blood.

Anyways, there are some people for whom it’s excruciating to watch other people scratch themselves.  (Not the Itch Guard type of scratching. That disgusts everyone)

Location: My flat.

Characters: PBA and I.

Scene: He’s talking and I’m itching.

*Action*

PBA: Blah blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah.

Me: Uh huh.. (scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..).

PBA: Blah blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah  blah.

Me: Uh huh.. (scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..).

PBA: Dude! Stop that! It’s irritating! 

Me: What is?

PBA: Your scratching! Why are you scratching your arm so much?

Me: Dry skin.

PBA: Don’t you moisturize? 

Me: I do but I guess it’s worn off through the day.

PBA: Hmmm.. Try a oil massage before bath.

Me: Good idea.

PBA: Though there is a home remedy you could try.

Me: What’s that?

PBA: You could try licking the areas that itch.

Me: Say what?

PBA: Yeah man, lick those areas. Our saliva contains medicinal properties. It’ll heal your skin.

Me: Errrrrr.. That’s creepy… Like Goldmember

PBA: No man! It’s true! Hence the phrase “To lick one’s own wounds”.

Me: Errrrr.. No thanks. I’ll pass. 

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Dude, Seriously?

CG loves my music playlist.

CG: Dude!

Me: What?

CG: Your music collection is awesome. Where do you find these songs?

Me: I have an awesome taste in music. What else can I say?

CG: Dude, c’mon!

Me: I swear man. Think about about it. 

CG: Riiiiiight…..

Me: Fine. Don’t believe me. 

CG: Dude! Don’t be a d*ck! 

Me: Fine! You really wanna know?

CG: YES!

Me: There’s a hole in my heart since there’s no one who loves me truly. In order to fill that empty void in my heart, I immerse myself in music. I fill that void with music. Good, soulful, beautiful music. 

CG: Dafaq is wrong with you?!! 

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The Doppelganger

I noticed that an acquaintance of mine, RS had just updated her Facebook picture. Now, RS has an uncanny resemble to Bhumika Chawla, the actress. While she hates the comparison, it has always been a source of amusement for me. We had one friend in common, ZK. I decided to buzz her and tell her about the new display picture.

Me: Yo Girl, Wassup?

ZK: Nothing much, painting my nails. 

Me: Did you see Bhumika Chawla’s new display picture?

ZK: Hahaha, if she finds out, she’ll kill you! 

Me: Which she won’t….

ZK: You’re lucky that we aren’t best friends anymore….

Me: Which means that you’re a good girl and you won’t tattle…

ZK: But if I did, she’d chop your head off….

Me: But you won’t because you’re a good girl…

ZK: Appearances can be deceptive…

Me: You’re a sneaky little tattler aren’t you?

ZK: I’m not! But if I was, I would tell her..

Me: Bleh..! You’re starting you sound like a TV serial vamp!

ZK: Careful, you’re standing on thin ice here… 😉 

Me: What dude! You’re supposed to be on my side!

ZK: Then stop calling me names!

Me: So wassup, Bhumika Chawla’s ex-best friend? 😛

ZK: Lame!

Me: But you gotta admit that she’s got an uncanny resemblance. 

 ZK: Yeah yeah, just don’t mention it to her face. She can go zero to crazy b*tch in like, 3 seconds flat!

Me: Hahaha.

ZK: Yeah, she would find it insulting, she thinks that she’s the hottest thing mankind has ever seen!

Me: Ofcourse she will, she’s from ******** School! Every female from that school is a bimbo!

ZK: Hello! I’m from that school! And I’m not not a bimbo!

Me: Ofcourse not! You’re the hottie’s best friend. The sane one! 

ZK: You’re such a prick!

Me: Why don’t you watch Not Another Teen Movie? It’ll help me make my case stronger!

ZK: Totally! That’ll make me feel better, won’t it? I’m the annoying sane beat friend with glasses and fugly looking? 

Me: Bang on!

ZK: Thanks a lot!

Me: Also, you have a super hot sister! Perfect stereotype! Hahahaha!

ZK: Assh*le! You’re such a assh*le! You’ll never get a girlfriend! 

Me: We’ll see! 

ZK: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhh!

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You Shall Not Watch!

Last Friday, my friends were supposed to drop into my place for a house party, which unfortunately DID NOT happen. Their excuses varied from “I’m depressed because Arsenal is not going to win the premier league this season” to “my neighbors cat died”.

Anyways, the result was this:  I had an empty house (except for CG and MS), a lot of food and a lot of booze. As pissed as I was, I decided to get *sloshed drunk*, to calm myself down. CG and MS decided to make me watch a movie to soothe my nerves. After a lot of debating, they decided on The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring.

When it comes to the Stars Wars Vs Lords Of The Ring, I’m pro Star Wars!

*The movie starts playing*

Narrator: In the beginning of time, there were three rings for the Elves, seven rings for the Dwarfs and nine rings for the Humans.

Me: What do these rings do?

CG: I’ll explain it to you later. It’s kinda long.

Me: Pfft..!

CG: Dude, just watch!

Me: Where are these rings now?

CG: The elves hid their rings, dwarfs lost four of their rings and have three rings left. And the humans wore their rings and they became the Ringwraiths.

Me: Stupid humans!

*One Peg Down*

GandalfA wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.

Me: Yeah, right! Try giving that as an excuse to your mom, when you’re returning home drunk at 2 am!

CG: Hahaha.

*Two Pegs Down*

Me: Why does Bilbo Baggins never wear that ring?

CG: Because he has no lust for power.

Me: I see…. Smart guy. How come the eye of Sauron always on?

CG: Because that’s how he can sense the ring.

Me: Does it ever blink?

CG: Dude! C’mon! That’s stupid!

Me: Uh..huh..

*Four Pegs Down*

Me: Dude, have you noticed that the Hobbits have no facial hair?

CG: Uh..huh..

Me: Imagine, they’d go to a barber to get their legs shaved instead!

CG: Dude! F*** off! Just watch!

*Five Pegs Down*

Me: Dude, why don’t they just fly to Mordor on that big bird thing?

CG: Because air travel was expensive back then.

Me: Yeah right…. Don’t f*** around man!

CG: Then stop asking me stupid questions and read the book!

Me: It’s not stupid! It’s a genuine question!

CG: I’m not going to dignify that with a response!

Me: C***!

*Seven Pegs Down*

Me: Look dude! Ned Stark!

CG: Dude, that’s Boromir! The son of the steward of Gondor!

Me: Same person!

CG: Aaaaaaaagh! Dude!

*Eight Pegs Down*

Legolas: This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.

Boromir: Aragorn? This is Isildur‘s heir?

Me: Snap! You didn’t see that coming, did ya?

CG: Jesus Christ! How drunk are you?

Me: Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much!

CG: #facepalm!

*Nine Pegs Down*

Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just Orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. The Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.

Me: No shit, Sherlock!

CG: Dude, SHUT UP MAN!

Me: You shut up, you ************************************************************** (too many vulgar explicits).

CG: Jeez! You kiss your mom with that mouth?

*Ten Pegs Down*

CG: Don’t you think Hugo Weaving did a good portrayal of  Elrod’s character?

MS: Yeah man, his acting is good.

Me: Yeah man! I friggin’ love Hugo Weaving man! I love him in V for Vendetta! I love him in the Transformer! And I love him in The Matrix! Yeah! Agent Smith!

CG: Seesh! Drunk much?

MS: The Matrix?

Me: Yeah! Agent Smith man! Agent f***ing Smith!

MS: Nope! Haven’t seen Matrix.

Me: You what? Haven’t seen The Matrix? How the hell are you still living with yourself?

MS: Errrrr…

Me: Screw this shit! Lets watch Matrix instead!

CG: Ummmmmm, Hello!  We were watching LOTR!

Me: You’re damn right! Were, as in past tense! Now we ‘are’ watching The Matrix!

CG: Aaaaaaaaaagh! You drunk **************************************************************************! (Vulgar explicits, I’m sure you’ve already guessed that!).

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