Holi Is Not A Holiday!

*Chilling at home with my brother*

Him: So what plans on Holi?

Me: Nothing really. The usual. Make bhang, then drink it and play Holi.

Him: The entire day?

Me: No, only in the evening.

Him: And the rest of the day?

Me: I’ve office.

Him: What??!

Me: What?

Him: We have office on Holi?

Me: Yes.

Him: Since when?

Me: Since always!

Him: What? Holi isn’t a national holiday?

Me: Nope!

Him: What! My entire life has been a lie!

Me: Not like you celebrate Holi!
Him: So?

Me: Nevermind.

Him: This is bullshit! Just pure bullshit! No holiday on Holi!

*Storms off*

Here’s what really happened:

 

Breaking dreams be like…. #holi #bro #conversation #thursday #bangalore #instavideo

A video posted by The Kolesmeister (@kolesmeister) on

The Laptop Scene

At the Bangalore airport, I was at the security check.

As per the instructions, we were required to take our laptops and jackets out of the hand baggage and place it on the tray separately. This was cumbersome for me, as I was carrying a backpack and a laptop and a jacket and an iPad. So yeah, I had to take out a lot of things.

*Chatting with boss at the queue*

Me: Why do they ask us to remove our laptops from the bags? Anyhow, my bag is going inside for a scan.

Dude Boss: The scanners can’t see through the laptops. So you can easily conceal things under it. So, to be sure, they ask you to remove the laptop.

Me: Man, this is so cumbersome. I have to literally empty my entire bag.

Dude Boss: That’s why I travel light!

Me: Uh..Huh…

Dude Boss: See, I don’t even carry my laptop during trips. I just use my tablet. It’s got a big screen and it’s portable…

Me: You know…

Dude Boss: What?

Me: If I had the same shitty laptop as yours, even I wouldn’t bring it along for a trip. #JustSaying

Dude Boss: Chu…

Me: 😀

fuck-you-gifs-26

The Mumbai Trip!

These were the highlights of my Mumbai trip. Or rather, what I learnt from my first trip to Mumbai.

  • When you’re flying out on a Monday morning, be prepared to see a crowded airport, because everyone flies out in the morning. Especially if the security likes to screw with you.
  • After landing in Mumbai, I realized that any car can be made into to a taxi. After seeing only Fiats or Ambassadors as the usually yellow black cabs, this just messed with my head! They had Santro’s, Alto’s, Maruti 800’s. Man, respect gone out the window for these cars!
  • Mumbai is full of towering skyscrapers. Period. Don’t try to crane your neck to see all of them. There are just too many to count.
Worli Mumbai

A view of Worli from the Bandra Sea Link

Lower Parel

A view of the office towers at Lower Parel

 

  • Regardless of what people say, Bangalore weather is waaaaay better than Mumbai weather.
  • Don’t underestimate the power of back alleys. Like seriously! We reached from Worli to Lower Parel in jiffy, thanks to them.

 

This is a time lapse video I while going through some back alley in Worli

  • Just because you cross the roads in Bangalore like you DGAF, don’t try this stunt here.
  • Roads are just as bad here as well. Well, except maybe town side.
  • Janta’s and Toto’s are way better places to hang out than Hard Rock Café or TGI Friday’s.
Cafe Mondegar

The walls at Cafe Mondegar was painted by Maria Miranda

Toto's Garage

Shouting Toto’s is perfectly fine here!

Leopold Cafe

Places with such rich history

 

  • Anything or everything sold on the street as food will be served with Shezwan sauce. Try it at your risk.
  • It’s always ok to do touristy stuff. Like standing outside Amitabh Bachhan’s house or clicking a selfie at Worli Sea Face.
Worli Sea Face

Like taking a selfie at the Worli Sea Face

 

Anyhow, it was a fun trip. Every night we would finish work by 9 pm and then head out to town. 🙂

 

The Age Conundrum

Alcohol Level: 200 ml of Bacardi Breezer with 60 ml of Tequila and Smirnoff.

The f*** up thing about being 27 is that, you can date women who are above a certain age. For example, when you’re 21, you could date a 18 year old because the generation gap isn’t much and you probably just finished college as well. So both of you would enjoy the same things, such as getting smashed on the weekends and the weekdays. When you’re 25, you move the lower limit to 23 because you’d want to date someone who’s working as well. Both of you would have the same interests, which would include going out and actually doing things rather than just getting smashed otherwise.

At 27, if you were to date anyone below 24, you’d have no idea about what the latest fad is or the lingo is and you will come across as an ancient relic while hanging out with her friends. While good music for you would be Metallica, Guns n’ Roses etc, she would be into Nicki Minaj and all those one hit wonder skanks. You know what I’m arriving at, right?

Now time for the blog post.

Venue: At SV’s wedding.

Yes, that douchebag actually got married, to his best friend, nonetheless. Their love is a typical textbook one. They met in college and they became friends. He used to bang half of Chennai and she knew about it all. Then they grew closer post college and finally started dating when he joined her in Germany where she was pursuing her MBA. (I wonder why use the word ‘pursuing’. I mean, it’s not like she followed the MBA degree across continents and all. We could might as well use the word ‘doing’ or ‘studying’. #JustSaying).

LKB was eyeing a couple of hotties at the wedding. This was a TamBrahm wedding. So you couldn’t really walk upto them and start talking. Anyhow, after Le Gf got tired of LKB’s spineless approach, she decided to take matters into her own hands.

She walked upto to those hotties. The rest is… Continue reading!

Le Gf: Hi!

Hot Chick#1 & Hot Chick#2: Hi!

Le Gf: So…. My friend has been wanting to say hi for while….. So yeah… LKB!

Hot Chick#1 & Hot Chick#2: Hehehehehehee…!

*Yes, they giggled*

LKB: Eh….. Hi!

Hot Chick#1 & Hot Chick#2: Hi!

LKB: Hi, I’m LKB. You are?

Hot Chick#1 & Hot Chick#2: Hi, I’m S***** and this is D******!

LKB: Oh, nice! You have the same name as the bride!

Hot Chick#1 & Hot Chick#2: Hehehehehehe!

LKB: So, whose side are you on?

Hot Chick#1 & Hot Chick#2: Errr?

LKB: I meant the brides or the grooms?

Hot Chick#1 & Hot Chick#2: Oh, we’re friends of the bride’s sister!

LKB: Oh nice…..

Hot Chick#1 & Hot Chick#2: 🙂

LKB: So what do y’all do?

Hot Chick#1 & Hot Chick#2: Well, both of us are in our first year of B.Sc.

LKB: Oh…… That’s….Nice….. #FML

*I enter the scene*

Me: Hey!

Hot Chick#1 & Hot Chick#2: Hi!

Me: I don’t think we’ve met… I’m the dude!

Hot Chick#1 & Hot Chick#2: Hi, I’m S***** and this is D******!

Me: Oh, same name as the bride…. Nice!

Hot Chick#1 & Hot Chick#2: Hehehehe! We know!

Me: So… Brides side or the grooms?

Hot Chick#1 & Hot Chick#2: Brides!

Me: What do y’all do?

Hot Chick#1 & Hot Chick#2: We are currently in college. First year! 😀

Me: Oh….. That’s super! Ooops, I’m getting a phone call…. Be right back!

Hot Chick#1 & Hot Chick#2: 🙂

*Later*

Me: WTF, dude? They are underage! 

LKB: I know, right?

Me: Couldn’t you have found someone our age who likes to get smashed drunk?

LKB: 🙁

*Le Gf appears*

Le Gf: What are you both talking about?

Me: Nothing!

Le Gf: Where are those two babes both of you were talking to?

Me: Underage! That’s what happened!

Le Gf: Sigh, you uncles! 

what-gif

Troll Of The Year!

So I’m what most Bengalis call, a probasi bangali. Loosely translated, it means “Fake Bengali”. Every year when I travel to Calcutta (I refuse to write it as Kolkata), I’m usually the subject of super scrutinizing relatives / neighbors / random people on the road who are always like “Your Bengali is not not fluent or You don’t look like a Bengali or You don’t like Dada (Saurav Ganguly) and so on. Yes, it’s irritating as hell. I wanted to use f***, but then I decided against it. Oh wait, I just did, so SCORE!

Anyhow, the last time my brother and I went to Calcutta, we decided to go the full mile. We decided to talk only in Bengali to everyone. When I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE.

The results were of course insanely hilarious.

 

Location: KFC, City Center II, Rajarhat (New Town), Calcutta.

*Both of us walk to the counter*

Me: Dadabhai! Kemon acho? (Wassup, how are you?)

KFC Guy: Bhaloi acchi sir! (I’m good too)

Me: Amake ek balti bhaja murgi aar oi maach paorooti ta deen (Give me one bucket of fried chicken and one Fish-o-Fillet)

*At this point, the KFC is not sure whether we’re f***ing with him or just being ourselves*

KFC Guy: Chicken tah te kon flavor chaan? (Which fried chicken do yo want?)

Me: Arre! Oi purono cornel e recipe tah deen! (Give me Old Colonel’s Recipe)

KFC Guy: Errrrr…. Theek aache? Kichu drink korar jonne chai? (Want something to drink?)

Me: Haan, oi lebur soda tah acche? Oita deen! (What I meant to say was, yes give me Sprite. What I said was, give me that lemon soda)

*My brother is laughing uncontrollably*

KFC Guy: Ok. Aapnar bill hochhe 500 taka. (Ok, your bill is 500 bucks)

Me: Matro? Theek achhe! (That’s it?)

KFC Guy: Aapna ra ki Kolkata theke? (Are you from Kolkata?)

Me: Haan! Kolkata teh jonmiye chi aar puro jibon katiye chi! (Yes, I was born in Kolkata and I’ve lived here my whole life)

KFC Guy: Thank you for visiting KFC. Please come again. 

Me: Dhoonobaad! Ami already come kore niyechi! (Thanks, I’ve already come!) (It’s a double meaning, I ain’t gonna explain it)

KFC Guy: Errrrrr……

*Our sides are aching from all the trolling*

*Success*

 

i-see-what-you-did-there-no-text

 

She Be Crazy!

NM was vacationing at Anjuna, Goa. While he was chilling at the local hangout and smoking some *herbs*, a waiter approached him, informing him that a certain lady sitting all by herself at a nearby table, wished to partake in the activity. Now NM, is a man of few words. He nodded his head and went back to his smoking.

While leaving that place, he passed by that lady and while doing so, the lady called out to him, asking whether he had any extra *herbs*. NM walked a few steps ahead, stopped, checked his pocket and then walked back to that lady.

*NM walks upto her*

NM: Hey!

Lady: Hi…

NM: So I was told that you needed something…

Lady: Oh, is it?

NM: Yeah, something to smoke….

Lady:  I don’t think so. I’d already have something.

*Pointing to her packet of cigarettes*

NM:  Well, ok then. Good for you.

*NM turns to walk away*

Lady: Excuse me!

NM: Yeah?

Lady: Nice try though!

NM: Excuse me?

Lady: Nice attempt to pick me up. I’m sorry, it won’t work.

NM: Sure thing…. And good for you!

*NM starts walking again*

Lady : HEY LOSER! NICE TRY!

NM: Well lady, f*** you too!

likeabossmeme

*Some b*tches be crazy*

This is toned down version of what she said. I think she had a couple of nuts loose.

The Sexy Scam

While returning from Goa, I decided to take a bus back to Bangalore. While I was on Redbus.in, I was confused as to which bus to take, so I went with the Kadamba Transport Corporation Ltd (Goa state owned) bus. To catch that bus, I needed to reach Kadamba Bus Stand in Panjim.

I reached there about one hour in advance and while I was waiting on the platform, a fellow passenger struck up a conversation with me.

Him: So are you taking a bus from here?

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here.

*He was reeking of what I think was alcohol*

Him: Ok.. These bus guys are complete cheats!

Me: Why?

Him: Yesterday, I came here with my ticket and when I reached my bus, they told me that my ticket is not valid. That’s unfair! My ticket cost me 45 bucks! Now I don’t have any money and I spent the night on the platform.

Me: Ok.

Him: It’s not like I’m asking people from money, I’ve a brother working in America.

Me: Ok.

Him: Now I don’t know how I’ll get back home!

Me: Uh.. Huh…

Him: I’m a painter. I paint buildings. I go where ever there is work. My brother from America got me a job here. Now the job is complete. I need to go to the next place.

Me: So you travel all the time?

Him: Yes, I go where ever there is work. 

Me: Where to next?

Him: Mumbai, but I don’t have any money to travel.

Me: Ok. 

HimI’m not asking people from money, I’ve a brother working in America.

Me: You mentioned that before. 

Him: After Mumbai, I need to go back home to Kerala. Lots of places to travel. But no money.

Me: So you’re from Kerala?

Him: Yes! (No trace of an Malayalee accent)

Me: Where in Kerala?

Him: Tljljdaaslh…… 

Me: Say what?

Him: Errrr…. That place where that has a big ‘Birla‘ factory.

Me: Uh…… Huh….. Which district?

Him: Errrrrr…. I…. Ummmm…. That place with the Birla factory. My shanty is next to the factory wall.

Me: Sure… Why not?

Him: Yes, my house is there. You can ask anyone about that factory.

Me: You want money for the ticket?

Him: Oh? Thank you! But it’s not like I want to take money from you, I’ve a brother in America.

Me: You do the brother story with everyone don’t you?

Him: Huh? Of course not! I’ve a brother there. I can show you his visiting card, but my belongings got stolen last month.

Me: You’re trying to scam me into giving you money, aren’t you?

Him: What? Me? Of course not!

Me: Buddy, walk the f*** away or else I’m calling that cop standing there!

*He ran away before you could say House MD*

Me: F***ing d***!

 

like-a-boss-meme

PS: The bus was sh*tty. They don’t provide neither a blanket (A/C Bus) nor a water bottle. And they stop at a really shady mess for dinner break.