Pitches Be Crazy!

I guess every industry has its own set of jargon and advertising being advertising has its share of jargon too. Now people outside of advertising may not be properly acquianted with these terms but they sure do lead to some hilarious conversations.

GC texted me on a weekday.

GC: What you upto?

Me: Nothing much. Just working on a couple of pitches. 

*For the uninitiated, pitch refers to the presentation that you present to the client in order to win their business*

GC: Pitches, huh?

Me: Yup!

GC: You mean punk b*tches, right?

Me: What? How did you arrive at that?

GC: Simple! Punk + B*tches = Pitches!

Me: Oh god, no….

GC: Then?

Me: I mean a presentation!

GC: You could have said that no? 

Me: #FacePalm

oh-god-no

In Time…

MS and I were watching TV on our swanky new Airtel HD plus. Or whatever that thing is called. You know, the one with the live TV pausing and all.

MS: Dude…

*Pause Live TV*

Me: What?

MS: Blah… Blah…

Me: Blah…Blah…

MS: Ok….

*Resume watching TV*

*After five mins*

MS: Dude…

*Pause Live TV*

Me: What?

MS: Blah… Blah…

Me: Blah…Blah…

MS: Ok….

*Resume watching TV*

*After five mins*

MS: Dude…

*Pause Live TV*

Me: What?

MS: Blah… Blah…

Me: Blah…Blah…

MS: Ok….

*Resume watching TV*

*After ten mins*

MS: Dude!

*Pause Live TV*

Me: Yeah…

MS: We’re watching pre-recorded TV right?

Me: Yeah, every time I pause, the TV starts recording the feed and we watch TV at our convenience. 

MS: Ah…Ok….

Me: Pretty cool right..?

MS: Yeah… But if it’s recorded, why are we watching the ads? We can skip through that right?

Me: Errrrr…. Yeah…. I didn’t think of that!

MS: I know, right!

*Mind blown*

That70showstoned

*Man, we were so stoned*

The Power Of No!

It was a hectic Wednesday. We had a couple of client briefs to crack (briefs, as in the problem statement, not the underwear) and it was already 7 pm. Accounts Manager, AB drops by our table and announces that he’s got two meetings lined up for us the next day. Which meant that we had to ideate and prepare a presentation from scratch.

AB: Guys!

Us: What?

*Us, as in the creative team*

AB: So there are two more meetings lined up for tomorrow!

Me: What? Why?

AB: We’ve a lingerie client and an e-commerce client on our radar now!

Me: Dude! It’s 7 pm, we had just cracked five client briefs and my head hurts now.

AB: C’mon man! The meeting is tomorrow!

Me: My point exactly! We’ve already have three meetings scheduled for tomorrow and two for the day after tomorrow! And you happened to add two more meetings for tomorrow, without even asking us. How are we going to prepare?

AB: Look! I understand, but I’ve been chasing these clients for a while now and tomorrow is the only day, that they are free.

Me: So?

AB: I don’t know! Pull a late-nighter with the team and come with something. It’s lingerie man!

Me: You know what’s a better solution?

AB: What?

Me: Re-schedule the client meetings!

AB: No way! Tomorrow is the only slot that I’ve got free and besides the client might say no to re-scheduling.

Me: How about you MAKE them take a no for an answer?

AB: Errrr…. What?

Me: The power of no, man! Make them take a NO for an answer! It works wonders!

AB: You’re joking right?

Me: No man! Totally serious!

AB: Chu….

Me: You’re the one who asked for it!

hahaha

 

Sending It!

Have noticed that whenever stoners get together and talk about smoking weed, no one says – Let’s smoke some weed. They all say:

“Wanna smoke up?”

“Wanna get high?”

“Wanna take a hit?”

“Wanna meet my friend, Mary / Mary Jane?”

“Wanna do a few F-16s”?

“Wanna take a few drags?”

But my all-time favourite is – “Wanna send, bro?”

I had no idea that this phrase existed. So obviously, when my friend JP had called up after he met with an accident, this happened…

JP: Yo!

Me: How’s your leg?

JP: It’s good. So listen… I gotta a parcel to send, you want to come over?

Me: Where’d you want to send the parcel?

JP: I mean, I have something to send…..

Me: I got that, where’d you wanna send it?

JP: Bro, you’re not getting it, I want to send… a P.A.R.C.E.L….

Me: I G.O.T that…. What parcel is it?

JP: The type which you send….

Me: You send all parcels! Is this a special parcel that you wanna send?

JP: Yes bro, it’s a special parcel. If you’d know what I mean!

Me: Wait now! Is this an actual parcel that you want me to courier for you or is this some metaphorical parcel that you want me to send? If it’s the second one, how do you metaphorically send it???

JP: Oh god! Dude, do you want to come over and smoke some weed?

Me: Jeez! Why couldn’t you say so?!

JP: I just did! I said that that I had a parcel to send! Get it?? Send it!

Me: How the f*** am I supposed to know that sending means smoking?

JP: Everyone does bro, stoners code bro…

Me: #FML

 

louisck-facepalm

The Hot Seat!

I went to dinner with some of my classmates from college. FF was in town and he suggested that we’d all meet up for dinner. I wasn’t really excited, nevertheless I hadn’t seen anyone from college in the past five years. So, I’d thought, seems like good idea. I wanted to go drinking. I suggested Gilly’s in Koramangala, just in case these guys were price sensitive. Soon messages and calls started pouring in with excuses such as:

No dude, no booze…

I have a throat infection

I have office tomorrow

I don’t want to drink and drive

Fine, I let them choose the place and they decided on a place called Kritunga in Koramangala. It was a Rayalseema restaurant (like mainstream Andhra food wasn’t spicy enough).

There was no away I could face them sober, I decided to *send some* before meeting them. I reached there and this happened.

So the whole evening, they asked me these 10 questions. That’s it. We didn’t talk about anything else.

  1. Where do you live?
  2. When are you getting married?
  3. Where do you work?
  4. Where is your office?
  5. Whom do you stay with?
  6. What time do you reach office?
  7. How far is your office from your home?
  8. What time do leave office in the evening?
  9. How do you travel to office?
  10. What do you do for lunch?

Like wow.

Mind blown.

So much wow.

KMN

fml

Lost & Found

LKB calls me up after hearing that I’ll be in Mumbai in the coming week.

LKB: Hey!

Me: Wassup?

LKB: Listen….

*20 mins later*

*Yes, he talks that much*

LKB: So, the real reason I called was for…

Me: Finally… Go on….

LKB: I think I left my jacket at your place when I had stayed over.

Me: No, you didn’t.

LKB: You sure?

Me: Yes and that was almost five months ago, you’re asking me this only now?

LKB: Well… Yeah… I had to go to a fancy dinner, so wanted to wear my jacket. When I couldn’t find it, I assumed that I had left it at your place!

Me: Seeesh…. Anyhow, you did leave your sunglasses behind…

LKB: I did?

Me: Yes.

LKB: I had sunglasses?

Me: Yes, you f***tard.

LKB: Which one?

Me: That brown colour Fastrack one!

LKB: Oh yeah…. I thought I had lost those!

Me: Wow… You also left your portable mobile charger.

LKB: Really?

Me: Yup…

LKB: Awesome! Could you bring them along with you when you come here?

Me: Why should I? How do you end up leaving things back when you travel?

LKB: Sh*t happens… Besides, I’ll always have you to bring it for me!

Me: Do I look like a butler to you?

LKB: Sure, while we’re at that, I’ll be Batman!

Me: *facepalm*

7SsbNYn (1)

 

Hooker Speak!

JK calls me up.

JK: Oye!

Me: What?

JK: I need your clients number!

Me: Which one?

JK: That fast food one.

Me: Why?

JK: I have a business proposition.

Me: Go on….

JK: Dude…. Just  pass the number no!

Me: I have the marketing managers number. Take that. 

JK: No man. I need the CEO’s number!

Me: F*** no!

JK: Why not?

Me: 1. This is an MNC. The CEO won’t even entertain a call from a scum like you.

JK: Chu…. You wait and watch…

Me: 2. The CEO sits in Thailand. The highest position here is the VP. 

JK: Thailand? Brilliant! Pass me the number! I’ll tell him that I’ve been to Thailand!

Me: I doubt that he even speaks English!

JK: That’s no issue! I can speak Thai. Watch!

*Utters some oriental sounding words*

Me: I’m sure your Thai is limited to “I want happy time” and “How much dong?”. So, hell no!

JK: Chu….

Me: This might seem like me hanging up the phone…..

*The phone line goes dead*

i-dont-give-a-shit