Roomies Be Crazy

Most of my female friends complain that their boyfriends spend so much time with their roommates that it feels like they have a baby or a third wheel at all times. I laugh it off, telling them that they are just delusional but they keep on insisting that their significant others are in a domestic partnership with their roommates.

Anyhow, I started believing this after watching my brother and his roommate fight. My brother and his roommate were staying over for the week. They had a week long holiday and they thought that they’ll chill in Bangalore during that time.

Then this happened.

Bro: Dude!

Roomie: Yeah?

Bro: Did you pay the electricity bill?

Roomie: Ummm… No dude…

Bro: Why not?

Roomie: I forgot bro…

Bro: What the f***, dude!

Roomie: I was high dude, it completely skipped my mind!

Bro: How many times did I remind you to pay the electricity bill?

Did I not give you the money for it already?

How could you forget?

This happens all the time!

Why are you always high?

Why do I have fix all your f*** ups?

Why can’t you function like a normal human being for once?

It’s like you don’t even listen to me!

Are you even listening to me?

Roomie: Chill dude, we’ll go back and pay the bill!

Bro: You stupid f***!

By the time we go back, they would have cut the power!

The last day to pay the bill was the day we left!

The things in the fridge will go bad!

Do you ever think about things like that?

Do you? Of course not! Because you are a f***ing retard!

Roomie: Bro… Chill bro!

Bro: Chill? You want to me chill?

Then pay the f***ing electricity bill on time for once!

Act like the a grown up for once!

*This went on for the next 20 minutes*

*Yes, twenty minutes*

*After the ranting*

Me: Wow! You guys are like a proper couple!

Bro: ^&*(#6@$^!

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Stalkers Extreme!!!

Day: Saturday Night

Location: Parents room

Scene: Ironing my clothes

*Action*

Me: Mom, Dad. I’d thought, let you know that I’m dating someone.

*Mom sits up straight*

Mom: Really?

Me: Yes.

Mom: Great! I don’t have to find a bride for you!

Me: Errrrr, yes….

Mom: What’s her name?

Me: *******.

Mom: Where’s she from? 

Me: Hyderabad.

Mom: Gulti?

Me: Not exactly. Half gulti, quarter tamil and quarter bengali.

Mom: Jeez, all your girlfriends are such rare specimens no?

Me: Ummmmm….

Mom: Does she have a last name or does she have a string of initials like A.B.C.D *******? 

Me: She’s got a last name. 

Mom: Can she speak bengali?

Me: I guess she can understand but not speak.

Mom: Fine, teach her bengali before you marry her. Then I can communicate with her easily.

Me: Jeez…. I’m out of here!

*After five minutes, I go back into that room*

*Dad is on his iphone and mom on her laptop*

Dad: Does she work in ****** ****** ******? (Worlds second largest spirits brand).

Me: What? You googled her?

Dad: Yeah… We wanted to put a face to that name. 

Mom: This is her facebook profile, right? 

Dad: Her linkedin profile looks good! 

Me: Oh god…. Tell me that this is not happening!

Mom: What is this company? 

Dad: Spirits. As in they sell alcohol. 

Mom: Oh, that’s why you’re dating her?

Me: Eh?

Mom: So if she leaves that job, you’re going to break up with her, right? 

Me: Oh god! What fresh hell is this? 

#facepalm 

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Cocky Me, Not So Cocky You!

I’ve been told that on numerous occasions that, at times, after a few rounds of booze I can be a big dic male genitalia.

Scene #1

PBA: Dude!

Me: What?

PBA: I’ve removed you from my friends list on Facebook!

Me: Really? Since when?

PBA: A few months back!

Me: Ah ok….
PBA: Because you’re an assh*le at times.

Me: Alright fine…

PBA: Hmmm…

Me: For the record, I never noticed because I don’t follow you on Facebook!

PBA: !@#!@!

Me: Touche!

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Scene #2

On my parents anniversary.

Mom: Where’s our gift?

Me: What gift?

Mom: Our anniversary gift!

Me: Ah ok…

Mom: What ok? Where is it?

Me: You’ll get it soon.

Mom: How soon is soon?

Me: Soon!

Mom: You never get us anything!

Me: I’m staying with you all no? What greater gift can it be?!

Mom: *#$%!

Me: 😀

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Scene #3

After a night of debauchery.

Me: Dude!

TM: What?

Me: Your friend ZB is such an ass! He was f***ing up my entire trip last night!

TM: So?

Me: Jeez! So get don’t get him to my place anymore!

TM: Why?

Me: Because he’s such a prick!

TM: No, you’re just pissed off because you just met someone who’s equally cocky as you!

Me: Nothing like that!
TM: The taste of your own medicine sucks, doesn’t it? 😛

Me: F*** Off!

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How Not To Get Married In 10 Days!

Same sh*t, Different day.

Mom: You’ll be 27 this year!

Me: So I’ve heard…

Mom: What are your plans regarding marriage?

Me: I’m gonna be like Hugh Hefner. Different girls every day!

Mom: I’m serious!

Me: Fine! I’ve no plans as of yet!

Mom: By what age do you want to settle down?

Me: I guess around 30.

Mom: 30??!!

Me: Yes…

Mom: That’s too late! It should be 28 at the outset!

Me: Why?

Mom: Also, you need to start searching now!

Me: Why?

Mom: Ufff! If you start searching now, only then you can settle by 28!

Me: Why?

Mom: You’ll meet people one by one, then you’d have to select them, then spend some time with them, see if you like them or not. All this takes time. It’s not like you’re going to marry the first person you meet.

Me: Point.

Mom: See, you should listen to me!

Me: So you know the type of girl I’m looking for, right?

Mom: Yes, that ridiculous list of yours!

Me: Good. You can start searching and let me know if anything good comes by!

Mom: What?!!

Me: Yeah, spread the word through your friends network!

Mom: Why should I search?

Me: Because you’re the one who wants to see me married so badly!

Mom: You want me to search and pick a woman for YOU with whom YOU will spend the rest of YOUR life?!

Me: Exactly!

Mom: Get lost! You stay unmarried then!

Me: And that is the end of our discussion!

Mom: @%@#%! Kids these days!

 

bitch please

 

Mom Knows Best…Like Really!

I’m at the dinner table and I’ve got the case of hiccups. Real bad ones.

Mom: The hiccups sounds bad.

Me: Tell me about it!

Mom: By the way, blah aunty called. 

Me: And?

Mom: Nothing much, general gossip. 

Me: Ah ok…

Mom: She also said that she spotted you near INOX last week and you were getting cozy with two women…

Me: Say whaa….?

*My mind started racing. I was at INOX last week with two women but I wasn’t anywhere near getting cozy with them*

*I heart was beating fast, like a criminal in the hot seat*

Me: I don’t know what she was talking about!

Mom: You sure?

Me: Yes!

Mom: She was really convinced that it was you!

Me: I doubt that, maybe she saw someone who resembled me…

Mom: Maybe….

Me: Yeah…

Mom: By the way, how are your hiccups? 

Me: It’s gone!

Mom: You’re welcome! 

Me: Ah! I see what you did there! 

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Moms Will Be Moms!

So I was telling my mom about the events of the The Great Golden Goose Chase.

Me: It was so funny to watch NM and JK! SH and I were standing in a corner and laughing!

Mom: So? Atleast those guys tried no? Couldn’t you have picked up a girl?

Me: Huh? What?

Mom: Instead of standing in a corner and laughing, you should have picked up a girl!

Me: For what?

Mom: To love her and then marry her!

Me: Jeez! No way!

Mom: Why not? Get married soon! 

Me: Not this sh*t again! 

*I leave the room*

Mom: This conversation isn’t over!!!

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Say It Isn’t So!

I moved back with my parents last month.

Most Weekends:

Parents: What are your plans for the weekend?

Me: I guess I’ll go out partying on Saturday with the gang.

Parents: Will you  be back late in the night?

Me: No, I think I’ll crash at NM’s or JK’s place!

Parents: We think that you should spend more time at home. You are never around!

Me: I’m always here! From Monday to Saturday!

Parents: Yeah, but you’re at work the whole day and once you’re back, you’re locked up inside your room. You don’t come and talk to us. 

Me: Jeez! We’re not having this conversation again!

Parents: Stop treating our house like a hotel! You never help around with the chores! 

And this goes on and on……

This Weekend:

Parents: What’s your weekend plan?

Me: No plans. Planning to stay at home.

Parents: Oh…..

Me: Why what happened?

Parents: Well, one of our family friends will be coming for dinner on Saturday and they will be staying back.

Me: So?

Parents: So if you’re not here, they can probably take your room.

Me: What’s wrong with the guest room? 

Parents: The bed will be a bit too small. There are three of them.

Me: Hmmmm and? 

Parents: So if you could make yourself scarce this weekend, it’ll be good!

Me: Jeez! There’s no pleasing you people!

 

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