Up In The Air

The whole family was out for lunch. We decided to go to Church Street Social and by the time we were done, we were pretty tipsy. Dad was decently drunk, I know that because when he’s drunk, he talks a lot. Like, a lot!

So on the way back, there were loads of a-hole motorists who kept on coming in my way. Not the type to back down, me and my bro were taking turns flipping them off. I was driving, my bro was in the passenger’s seat while my parents were in the back.

After a while…

Dad: Why are you both pointing at the roof from time to time?

*Bro, Mom and Me gave my dad dirty looks*

Me: Really? Are you seriously asking me that?

Dad: Yeah, why are pointing to the roof? Are you signal something to those motorists?

Mom: Yes, they are pointing to the roof… Like calling the gods to save them!

Dad: Ah ok…

*After five mins*

Dad: Ah ok! Got it! You were flipping them off!!!

Me: You’d think???

Dad: No comments….

*Blam*

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The Greatest Gift!

After my birthday.

Me: Wow, my birthday was such a treat!

Le Gf: I’m glad that you liked it.

Me: Thanks for everything!

Le Gf: You’re welcome!

Me: Now that you’ve set the expectation so high, I’ll have to better that on your birthday!

Le Gf: That’s fine babe, I really don’t want anything!

Me: You sure?

Le Gf: Totally!

*The next day*

Le Gf: You know….

Me: What?

Le Gf: If you really get me something for my birthday….

Me: Go on….

Le Gf: Get me that truck from Death Race!

Me: What?

Le Gf: This:

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Me: #Facepalm!

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Playing Hookie With Cookie…

Today is 9th of March. I’m writing a new blog after almost a month. I needed some time to recharge my batteries, evaluate my life and other hi-funda shiz. Also, a lot people have been complaining that:

1) My blog is isn’t funny anymore.

2) My writing sucks b*lls.

3) I really don’t remember this point, but I distinctly remember being a third complain.

Not to sound arrogant or anything, but my life can’t be funny just to entertain you all. Plus I have my moments of absolute mindf*** which leads to extended period of depression-ish state. Also, I do agree that my writing is not top notch, but I do earnestly try to improve myself continuously.

Now that a rant is out of the way, let me tell you a story. 🙂

I prefer house parties. You can drink as much as you like and crash whenever you want to. You can dance and sing and save a lot of money. House parties with my friends are usually alcohol fueled and are absolute madness. During one of these house parties, I met a really nice chick. It was one of those crush-at-first-sight kinda thing. She was gorgeous, fun, spontaneous, I can go on and on about how awesome she is. Anyhow, we bonded well, drank a lot, indulged in a lot of chutiyapanti where she started throwing drinks at me (which was annoying) and she then slipped and fell because of the wet floor (karma is a bitch). Anyways, we had fun.

At around 3 am, someone said, “lets go to Nandi Hills to watch the sunrise”. Everyone (the bunch of us who were awake) agreed and we started sobering up. I had parked my car a bit away from the apartment gate, so I went down early to get the car to the gate. Chick also followed me to the car. We entered the car, drove back the apartment and parked the car in front of the gate. As soon as we were done parking the car, there was a loud knock on the window. I looked up, it was a cop who was patrolling the area with another cop.

Cop: Roll the window down!

*I obliged*

Me: Yes, sir?

Cop: Where are you going at this time of the night?

Me: Nowhere sir, I live here (pointing at the apartment) and I was just parking my car.

Cop: You have been drinking, haven’t you?

*This is what happens when people throw whiskey on you*

Me: Not much, sir.

Cop: I can smell alcohol on your breath!

Me: All I had was a couple of glasses of wine.

Other Cop: Open the car door.

*I obliged*

*The other cop starts searching my car for whatever he was searching*

*I was starting to get annoyed*

Cop: What is this? Drinking and driving?

Me: No sir, I wasn’t driving, I was just parking it here from there.

Cop: Ladies in the car are also drinking! What is this?

*By this this I got really annoyed and I started to raise my voice*

Me: Sir, I’ve told you this before, we were just parking the car.

Cop: It is so late in the night, what are doing with a girl so late?

*I almost blew my fuse, then I remembered an incident which came in the paper a few weeks ago about how the police beat up a couple in the middle of the night because they were talking outside on the road. They weren’t native of Bangalore. The cops were targeting people from North India specifically*

*So I kept my calm*

Me: We’re just heading home, sir. 

Cop: The ladies are drinking in the car! What is this?

Me: THERE IS NO ONE DRINKING IN THE CAR, ALRIGHT? THERE IS NO ALCOHOL IN THE CAR!

*I was cheesed off because the cop was trying to frame some charges on me*

Other Cop: Lower your voice!

Cop: Where do you stay huh? Where’s your landlord? 

*I pointed at my friends apatment*

Me: I stay here and so does my landlord. 

*I was determined not to pay a bribe*

Cop: You people are creating public nuisance!

*Before I could say anything, the entire gang was down*

*Seeing that there was around 15 of us, the cops decided to back off*

Cop: Let this be a warning to you, don’t drink and drive.

Me: Yeah, whatever…

Everyone: Hey, what happened?

Me: Nothing much, the cops were just generally trying to screw with us and get some money.

Everyone: Everything fine?

Me: Yeah, let’s head to Nandi Hills now.

Everyone: Cool!

*I got back to my car started the engine*

Chick: Man, that cop scene was scary.

Me: I know, right?

*She then pulls out a bottle of beer from under the seat and take a swig from it*

Chick: You want a sip?

Me: What! You had a bottle of beer with you all this while?

Chick: Yeah…. Did you think that the cops saw it?

Me: Ofcourse they did! That’s why whole commotion.  

Chick: Oh crap…

Me: Thank god I didn’t see the bottle! I was angry when they started to tell me that you were drinking in the car!

Chick: Well, thank god they didn’t check the car right?

Me: #FML! 

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PS: That was one epic night.

The Transporter!

Lately drinking and driving on a Saturday in Bangalore is a b**** female dog. There are police barricades near the CBD and DUI checks are on in full power. They usually check based on profiles as opposed to checking everyone. For example if I were driving with my parents, no matter how drunk, I won’t be flagged down. However, if I were with my friends, no matter how sober, I’ll still be stopped. They don’t check women, FYI.

Anyhow, AS and PGI were at Monkey Bar on a Saturday and as luck would have it, there was a barricade on their way back home. The police stopped his car, asked him blow into the alco-meter and it went off. So they asked him to stepped outside the car to pay the fine. Now, there’s always a way to bypass the law. You can either choose to pay INR 3000.00 fine and collect your vehicle the next day or pay whatever bribe you can manage to bargain with the cops and leave. AS decided to do just that but after they had taken down his details, the top cop refused to talk to him and asked him to wait. Tired of waiting and since PGI was in the car, AS decided to drive off. As per his version, he was heading to the ATM to pick up money. Anyhow,  he was driving away, he got a call from the cop who had stopped him.

Cop: So you’ve decided to abscond?

AS: No sir, I’m on my way to the ATM to pick up money.

Cop: That’s what everyone says! If you’re not there at the Ashok Nagar police station in the next 30 mins, I’m slapping case a against you!

AS: I’ll be there.

At the ATM, AS smartly used a card which had only INR 1500.00 on it and withdrew the whole thing. He landed at the police station and the cop asked him wait in the jail cell. All this while PGI was waiting in the car. After making him wait for nearly another hour, the cop went upto AS.

Cop: So you tried to run away, huh? 

AS: No sir, as I said, I was at the ATM!

Cop: You’ll have to pay a fine!

AS: Sir this is all I have! Here’s my ATM slip! See, there’s only INR 1500.00 there! 

Cop: Fine. Give me that! Now go wait in the jail cell again. 

AS: What?!

Cop: Don’t argue with me!

AS: Okay…..

*After another 30 mins*

Cop: You may leave now.

AS: Thank you.

Cop: Leave through the back entrance.

AS: Alright….

*AS finally got back the car*

*The whole would have lasted for about two hours*

PGI: What was all that about? What took you so long?

AS: Nothing man, they just made me wait. 

PGI: You know they don’t check women right?

AS: Yeah I know!

PGI: So you should have let me drive no? 

AS: You know how to drive???!

PGI: Yeah, of course I can drive!

AS: Couldn’t you have told me that when we were leaving Monkey Bar????

PGI: Errrrrr, I forgot!?

AS: #Facepalm!

 

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You Asked For It!

When we had just shifted to our new apartment in Bangalore, our kitchen wasn’t ready for us to use. During those days, I used to get dinner on my way back from office. I would be back from office at around 8 pm, so the timing suited everyone.

Anyhow, one day I got late as my meeting ran longer than I had anticipated. The meeting ended at 10:30 pm and I had to rush home fast as my parents were hungry. At a turning near my house, I overtook  a car from the left side. By my own admission, it was a very safe maneuver but the lady at the wheel probably got freaked out.

As luck would have it, she also stayed in the same apartment. After I had parked my car, I found her waiting near my parking lot. Man, she looked like she could kill someone!

Her: Excuse me!

Me: Yeah?

Her: Are you in a hurry?

 Me: Errrrrr, actually yes! 

*I continued to to collect my things from the car and not paying her too much attention*

Her: Excuse me, what did you say?

Me: I just replied to your question!

Her: How can you say something like that?

Me: You asked me a question and I replied! What wrong with that?

*I continued doing what I was doing*

*She just stood there*

Me: Yes, can I help you with something?

*Shakes her head*

She: This generation! 

Me: Yes, sucks doesn’t it? 

 

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I Love Rains!

My parents were out of station, so I decided to take their *BMW* out for a spin. I landed up at TA’s place and was chilling there for a while. When I was leaving, TA suggested that we take a ride in the car. Being high on *stuff*, I agreed to it.

We reached downstairs and found out that it was raining. We darted to the car and found out the passenger side was flooded with water.

TA: Dude!

Me: Yeah?

TA: Get in the car and move it a little bit! Or else I can’t get in!

Me: Ok cool!

I got inside the car.

Dried myself with a towel.

Switched the engine on.

Switched the A/C to rain mode.

Switched the defogger on.

Adjusted the rear view mirror.

And then waited for the engine to get heated.

*There was a loud banging on the window*

TA: WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING? I’M STILL OUT HERE! MOVE THE F***ING CAR!

Me: Oh sh*t, sorry!

*I had forgotten completely that TA was standing outside in the pouring rain for about ten mins*

*TA gets inside the car*

TA: What the F*** was that?

Me: Errrrrr…… Sh*t happens!

TA: Chu……!

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My Car, My Rules!

While heading to dinner with SDM, I picked her up as her office was on the way.

*I pick her up*

Me: Hi!

SDM: Hi! Jeez! Why is your car so dirty?

Me: Errrrr, I’d just fired my cleaner and I haven’t had time to wash it. So it’s been kinda dirty.

SDM: It’s so dirty! I was so embarrassed to even enter it!

Me: Errrrr, ok. I’ll clean it this weekend!

SDM: Why do you wanna wait till the weekend?

Me: Cos I leave to office early in the morning and I come back pretty late. So I don’t have much time!

SDM: Excuses! Just take a bucket of water and do it in the evening!

Me: I go to the gym in the evening, after that I don’t have any energy.

SDM: Why are you giving so many excuses?

*My patience is running out by this point*

Me: I’m not giving any excuses! I really don’t have time!

SDM: Nag… Nag… Nag… Nag… Nag… Nag… Nag… Nag… Nag… Nag… Nag… Nag… Nag…!

*I’d had enough. I stop the car*

Me: That’s it! Get the f*** out of my car!

SDM: What? Now?

Me: Yes, right now. Get the f*** out of my car right this f***ing second!

SDM: But what did I do???

Me: Seriously?

 

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