A Guide To Mens Vocabulary

After spending two hours oogling at women on the internet, my friends and I were in a dilemma.

1. Our standards of hotness were inconsistent.

2. Hotness rating varied from person to person.

3. Words like Cute, Pretty, Gorgeous had different meanings for everyone.

In order to resolve this deadlock, I’ve decided to decode what men mean when they say things like

“Oh, she’s pretty” or “Oh, she’s hot”.

What We Say

What We Mean

Pretty

I can look at you without making a face.

Eg: Sonakshi Sinha

Cute

Awwwww… You have so much potential to be hot!

Eg: Genelia D’Souza

Beautiful

Sigh, I wish you were my girlfriend.

Eg: Diana Penty

Gorgeous

Marry me!!!!

Eg: Shraddha Kapoor

Hot

I wanna make it rain on that a$$!

Eg: Sunny Leone

Slutty

Please sleep with me, pretty please!

Eg: Riya Sen

Sexy

So do I have to buy you dinner? Or can we skip that?

Eg: Mallika Sherawat

OK-ish

I do not acknowledge your existence

Eg: Rakhi Sawant

Ugly

Ahhh! My eyes! The horror!

Eg: Negar Khan

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PS: I reserve the right to be not taken seriously.

But First, Let Me Get Talli!

We were shooting the official Bangalore selfie video.  I called up Le Gf to tell her the good news.

Me: Guess what?

Le Gf: What?

Me: Guess who is shooting the official Bangalore selfie video?

Le Gf: OH MY GOD! I want my dog to be in it!

Me: Errrrr…?

Le Gf: I want my dog to be in the video!

Me: I don’t know who will have the final creative control.

Le Gf: As your girlfriend, I demand that you put my dog in the video!

Me: Jeez…

Le Gf: I need you to come through on this for me!

Me: Fine! The things I do for love….

Le Gf: Yay! <3 <3 <3. Also, I want my dog to appear when the chick says “should I use XX pro or Valencia”!

Me: #facepalm

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BTW, here’s the video! And yes, her dog is in it. :D

 

Roomies Be Crazy

Most of my female friends complain that their boyfriends spend so much time with their roommates that it feels like they have a baby or a third wheel at all times. I laugh it off, telling them that they are just delusional but they keep on insisting that their significant others are in a domestic partnership with their roommates.

Anyhow, I started believing this after watching my brother and his roommate fight. My brother and his roommate were staying over for the week. They had a week long holiday and they thought that they’ll chill in Bangalore during that time.

Then this happened.

Bro: Dude!

Roomie: Yeah?

Bro: Did you pay the electricity bill?

Roomie: Ummm… No dude…

Bro: Why not?

Roomie: I forgot bro…

Bro: What the f***, dude!

Roomie: I was high dude, it completely skipped my mind!

Bro: How many times did I remind you to pay the electricity bill?

Did I not give you the money for it already?

How could you forget?

This happens all the time!

Why are you always high?

Why do I have fix all your f*** ups?

Why can’t you function like a normal human being for once?

It’s like you don’t even listen to me!

Are you even listening to me?

Roomie: Chill dude, we’ll go back and pay the bill!

Bro: You stupid f***!

By the time we go back, they would have cut the power!

The last day to pay the bill was the day we left!

The things in the fridge will go bad!

Do you ever think about things like that?

Do you? Of course not! Because you are a f***ing retard!

Roomie: Bro… Chill bro!

Bro: Chill? You want to me chill?

Then pay the f***ing electricity bill on time for once!

Act like the a grown up for once!

*This went on for the next 20 minutes*

*Yes, twenty minutes*

*After the ranting*

Me: Wow! You guys are like a proper couple!

Bro: ^&*(#6@$^!

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Being Dense

Sometimes Most of the times men are dense. We don’t get subtle hints. We need clear instructions on what you women want us to do or what you need from us.

Then there are men, who are so dense that they don’t know what obvious hints are even if you slap them in the face with it. My friend VB is one.

During the third year of college, he had taken to gymming. By the time we were in our final semester, VB had shed close to 25 kilos (I kid you not) and used to look really fit. During this time, he had befriended one chick at his gym and they were good friends. I’m guessing that she had the hots for him, till one day…

Me: Yo! Wassup?

VB: Nothing much! Just back from the gym.

Me: How’s that going?

VB: Pretty good!

Me: By the way, how that lady friend of yours? Priya, right?

VB: Ummmm…. She’s not talking to me these days….

Me: Why?

VB: I don’t know!

Me: What did you do?

VB: Nothing!

Me: Then?

VB: I don’t know! Last week, she invited me to her house to chill because her parents weren’t in town and I didn’t go. Then few days later, she called me over to house to help her with maths and she said that her parents weren’t at home. I didn’t go because I was hanging out with you.

Me: Uh..Huh…

VB: After that she stopped talking to me.

Me: Go on…

VB: So I haven’t really done anything inappropriate at all. She stopped talking to me out of the blue!

Me: You poor naïve fool!

VB: What?

Me: Nothing bro, chill. Life goes on…

VB: Eh?

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Great Minds Think Alike

My job requires me to manage brands online. Now the thing is (obviously) depending on the demographic of the brand, you need to tweak the tone of the language that you use. If it’s a high end luxurious product, you need to use big flowery words and if it’s a product for the masses, you need to tone down your language and use words like cool, super, fantastic, etc.

Anyhow, this brand was the sort where the crowd that is active on their Facebook page is very ghati. The types who can’t type a single grammatically correct sentence in English and all of them typ lik dis. You know what I mean, right?

So because of this, we were in a dilemma – We could either make the creatives “cool”, which means whacky fonts, bright colors and the likes or we could design a something classy, which would have sober colors etc. All this was for a promotional event for the brand.

We met the client to discuss the lines of communications and whatever collaterals that the team had designed so far.

Me: Here are some of the creatives that we have designed for the event…

Client: Uh..Huh…

Me: These are the copy that we’ll be using…

Client: Uh..Huh…

Me: I have just one doubt regarding the tone of communication..

Client: Go on…

Me: I took a look at the fans that are active on your Facebook page and based on that we’ll be designing the creatives.

Client: Ok…

Me: Now the thing is that the fans on the Facebook page are…. Ummmm…. How to say it…

Client: Are like chuths?

Me: Exactly! They are!

Client: So go ahead and design something that’s cool and eye catching. Don’t even try to be classy and all that shit!

Me: Ok then! You just made my day!

#RESPECT

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PS: That event was massive success! :)

Red Bull Gives You Wiiiiings!

Red Bull had recently airdropped crates full of Red Bull across different colleges in Bangalore as part of their Flutag promotion. Ofcourse, this created a lot of buzz on social media. I was discussing this with NJ at work.

 

Me: Faaaaaaack! Look at the number of red bull cans!

NJ: Hmmmm….

Me: I wanna get my hands on them!

NJ: Hmmmm….

Me: Come! Let’s drive down to that college and get ourselves some free Red Bull!

NJ: How about no?

Me: How about yes?

NJ: I don’t like Red Bull!

Me: What are you saying? Red Bull is the SHIZZZ! The best thing to have to beat a hangover and not to mention Red Bull and Vodka! Killer combination!

NJ: Vodka is yuck! Red Bull tastes like pee.

Me: That is blasphemy! Take it back!

NJ: No!

Me: What do you have against Red Bull?

NJ: I just don’t like Red Bull, ok?

Me: Is it because your girlfriend gets sloshed drunk on Vodka + Red Bull combo? And then you have to take care of her?

NJ: NO!

Me: It is, isn’t it?

NJ: NO! IT’S NOT!

Me: Man, I love your girlfriend when she’s drunk! She’s so much fun! You know what, I’m gonna invite her for drinks on Friday!

NJ: #FML!

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Being Chivalrous

I was talking to an acquaintance who was a self proclaimed feminist.

HerSigh…. Chivalry is dead!

Me: Eh? What are you saying? It’s still there!

Her: No way! Chivalrous men are a thing of the past! I don’t remember the last time a man held a door open for me!

Me: You just haven’t met the right man yet!

Her: Oh yeah? When was the last time you opened a door for a lady or let her enter a place first?

Me: Like all the time!

Her: Hmph!

Me: Seriously! I do that all the time! I always hold the door open for women!

Her: And why do you do that?

Me: Because it’s nice… Because it’s chivalrous!

Her: And do you do that only for women or for men also?

Me: I don’t recall… But yeah, if it’s a lady, I’d definitely hold the door open for her.

Her: See! That’s why we need feminism!

Me: Errrr… Why?

Her: Why do you hold the door open only for women? Do you think we can’t open the door for ourselves? Do you think that we’re weak? Do you think that women can’t do things by themselves?

Me: Where did this come from?

Her: All you men are such pigs! We live in such a male dominated society!

Me: Huh? What? Where? Who? When? How?

Her: HMPH!

#FML

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