Bulls Eye!

Location: At office

Scene: Playing darts

*Action*

Female Colleague: Is there any chance that the dart hits the same point where there’s already another dart?

Male Colleague: Yes, very possible! 

Female Colleague: Lets say, hypothetically, it happens at the bulls eye, then do I get extra points?

Male Colleague: Not really, it’ll be same for getting two bulls eye, i.e: 50 plus 50. 

Female Colleague: Alright, but is there a term for such an occurrence? 

Male Colleague: Ofcourse! It’s called a double penetration!

Female Colleague: Oh ok!

*Everyone starts sniggering*

Female Colleague: What?

Male Colleague: Nothing!

Female Colleague: Alright, I’m going to try for a double penetration! 

*Everyone bursts out laughing*

Me: Jeez, we’re all going to hell!

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Got it? No? She neither. :P

The Serial Whatsapper!

JK is a smooth operator when it comes to women.  Every weekend, we’d go to a club / pub and he’d be back home with a new chick (ok, almost every weekend). Anyhow, what he didn’t take into account is that chicks love to talk and text, which he really hates.

*One fine day*

JK: Sh* t man!

Me: What?

JK: There is this hot chick I met last weekend. 

Me: Ok…

JK: So I got her number yesterday from Facebook. 

Me: Ok..

JK: Now she’s texting me all the time. 

Me: So?

JK: I hate texting, and this female texts a lot! Like a lot!

Me:  Hmmmmm, maybe she likes you a lot. 

JK: That’s fine. But I don’t like texting!

Me: Seesh, fine man…

JK: You a text a lot right?

Me: Ummmm, yeah…

JK: I got a plan!

Me: Go on…

JK: I’ll give you her number and you text her as me!

Me: My Whatsapp display picture is my face!

JK: So change it to my face! 
Me: This sounds really stupid but go on…

JK: Yeah so, you text her, she’s happy and she’ll become close to you. Which means me. 

Me: What if she wants to call up?

JK: That time you let me know and I’ll call her up from my number!

Me: What if she asks why you have two numbers?

JK: I’ll tell her that I usually use my ‘work’ number to call people up due to cheaper call rates!

Me: What if she calls up on my number instead?

JK: Then don’t pick up!

Me: So I should do I all this charade just so that you get laid?

JK: Exactly!

Me: Tu kitna harami hai (You’re such a ch***!)

JK: ;)

Me: #facepalm! 

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Playing Hookie With Cookie…

Today is 9th of March. I’m writing a new blog after almost a month. I needed some time to recharge my batteries, evaluate my life and other hi-funda shiz. Also, a lot people have been complaining that:

1) My blog is isn’t funny anymore.

2) My writing sucks b*lls.

3) I really don’t remember this point, but I distinctly remember being a third complain.

Not to sound arrogant or anything, but my life can’t be funny just to entertain you all. Plus I have my moments of absolute mindf*** which leads to extended period of depression-ish state. Also, I do agree that my writing is not top notch, but I do earnestly try to improve myself continuously.

Now that a rant is out of the way, let me tell you a story. :)

I prefer house parties. You can drink as much as you like and crash whenever you want to. You can dance and sing and save a lot of money. House parties with my friends are usually alcohol fueled and are absolute madness. During one of these house parties, I met a really nice chick. It was one of those crush-at-first-sight kinda thing. She was gorgeous, fun, spontaneous, I can go on and on about how awesome she is. Anyhow, we bonded well, drank a lot, indulged in a lot of chutiyapanti where she started throwing drinks at me (which was annoying) and she then slipped and fell because of the wet floor (karma is a bitch). Anyways, we had fun.

At around 3 am, someone said, “lets go to Nandi Hills to watch the sunrise”. Everyone (the bunch of us who were awake) agreed and we started sobering up. I had parked my car a bit away from the apartment gate, so I went down early to get the car to the gate. Chick also followed me to the car. We entered the car, drove back the apartment and parked the car in front of the gate. As soon as we were done parking the car, there was a loud knock on the window. I looked up, it was a cop who was patrolling the area with another cop.

Cop: Roll the window down!

*I obliged*

Me: Yes, sir?

Cop: Where are you going at this time of the night?

Me: Nowhere sir, I live here (pointing at the apartment) and I was just parking my car.

Cop: You have been drinking, haven’t you?

*This is what happens when people throw whiskey on you*

Me: Not much, sir.

Cop: I can smell alcohol on your breath!

Me: All I had was a couple of glasses of wine.

Other Cop: Open the car door.

*I obliged*

*The other cop starts searching my car for whatever he was searching*

*I was starting to get annoyed*

Cop: What is this? Drinking and driving?

Me: No sir, I wasn’t driving, I was just parking it here from there.

Cop: Ladies in the car are also drinking! What is this?

*By this this I got really annoyed and I started to raise my voice*

Me: Sir, I’ve told you this before, we were just parking the car.

Cop: It is so late in the night, what are doing with a girl so late?

*I almost blew my fuse, then I remembered an incident which came in the paper a few weeks ago about how the police beat up a couple in the middle of the night because they were talking outside on the road. They weren’t native of Bangalore. The cops were targeting people from North India specifically*

*So I kept my calm*

Me: We’re just heading home, sir. 

Cop: The ladies are drinking in the car! What is this?

Me: THERE IS NO ONE DRINKING IN THE CAR, ALRIGHT? THERE IS NO ALCOHOL IN THE CAR!

*I was cheesed off because the cop was trying to frame some charges on me*

Other Cop: Lower your voice!

Cop: Where do you stay huh? Where’s your landlord? 

*I pointed at my friends apatment*

Me: I stay here and so does my landlord. 

*I was determined not to pay a bribe*

Cop: You people are creating public nuisance!

*Before I could say anything, the entire gang was down*

*Seeing that there was around 15 of us, the cops decided to back off*

Cop: Let this be a warning to you, don’t drink and drive.

Me: Yeah, whatever…

Everyone: Hey, what happened?

Me: Nothing much, the cops were just generally trying to screw with us and get some money.

Everyone: Everything fine?

Me: Yeah, let’s head to Nandi Hills now.

Everyone: Cool!

*I got back to my car started the engine*

Chick: Man, that cop scene was scary.

Me: I know, right?

*She then pulls out a bottle of beer from under the seat and take a swig from it*

Chick: You want a sip?

Me: What! You had a bottle of beer with you all this while?

Chick: Yeah…. Did you think that the cops saw it?

Me: Ofcourse they did! That’s why whole commotion.  

Chick: Oh crap…

Me: Thank god I didn’t see the bottle! I was angry when they started to tell me that you were drinking in the car!

Chick: Well, thank god they didn’t check the car right?

Me: #FML! 

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PS: That was one epic night.

Moms Will Be Moms!

So I was telling my mom about the events of the The Great Golden Goose Chase.

Me: It was so funny to watch NM and JK! SH and I were standing in a corner and laughing!

Mom: So? Atleast those guys tried no? Couldn’t you have picked up a girl?

Me: Huh? What?

Mom: Instead of standing in a corner and laughing, you should have picked up a girl!

Me: For what?

Mom: To love her and then marry her!

Me: Jeez! No way!

Mom: Why not? Get married soon! 

Me: Not this sh*t again! 

*I leave the room*

Mom: This conversation isn’t over!!!

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The Great Golden Goose Chase

This was the scene. There was this hottie and a couple of her friends who had come to town and NM and JK were really trying to *whatever* with her. Anyhow, the plan was that we’d go partying together to the swankiest places in town and then get them to JK’s place for some after-party fun.

Anyhow, SH was in town as well and decided to join us in the perusal of the vertical smile. :P

After numerous plan changes and shiz, we headed out. Let me draw you a map of the whole evening.

Time: 9 pm

Location: A swanky lounge

We met the girls. charmed them, danced with them. NM and JK were all out with their A-game. Sh and I were just in our zones, making conversations and making politically incorrect jokes.

Time: 11:30 pm

As the party here had ended, the girls and by extension – us, decided to head to a leading five star hotel as the party over there was still raging. NM and JK were all pumped up and ready to go.

Time: 12 am

Location: The five star hotel

The girls and us continued dancing. Sadly, one of the girls was dead tired and wanted to go home. NM and JK focused their energies on the remaining women, trying to impress upon the fact that the best after party would at JK’s place. SH and I decided to chill and watch the series of events in progress. At around 12:30 am, the club announced that they would be closing soon. The girls still wanted to go on and they decided to go to an ‘underground party’ that was happening at the other end of town. All of decided to head there. SH and I decided to take an auto instead so that NM and JK could spend some quality time in the car with “their” hotties.

Time: 1 am

Location: The underground party.

This place was crowded and loud. Just like in the movies. The who’s who of the party circuit was there! Babes dancing on the bar counter, guys giving lap dances to babes. A trip to the loo enlightened me with the fact that when people are horny, any place is good for furiously making out / dry humping. SH, me and the tired babe took a corner seat between couples dry humping each other watched the crowd go mad. It was loud, it was hot (as in the temperature, because there were so many people) and the music! OH MY GOD! WHO THE F*** PLAYS GHATI MUSIC IN A CLUB! Although, it was good fun watching the expat crowd groove to Govinda’s “Meri Shirt Bhi Sexy“!   After a while, this place also shut down and we were on our way out. I was chatting with a Nigerian guy and was generally telling him about our plans. Nice fellow he was.

NM and JK were convinced that the next stop was their place while me and SH secretly bet that none of them would bed the hotties. Anyhow, unknown to them I had spoken to those chicks earlier and they had a headache from the music and they wanted to head home. Ofcourse, I didn’t tell them that!

Time: 2am

Location: The parking lot.

Time to head in the direction of JK’s house.

Time: 2:30 am

Location: On the way to JK’s house.

That awkward moment when NM and JK realized that none of the hotties would be coming home with us and instead wanted to get back to their hotel rooms and sleep. And no, no after-party in their hotel rooms.

Time: 3 am

Location: JK’s house

SH and I had a good laugh about the whole evening with the Nigerian dude we had got back home from the underground party. Man, you should have seen the look on JK’s face when the chicks told him that they wanted to go home. Anyhow, it was a night well spent and with all the party hopping, I felt like page 3 person.

Time: 3:30 am

Location: NM’s terrace.

Whiskey – Check

Music – Check

Time to stare at the sky and wait for the sun to rise.

 

Bangalore Night Sky

 

 

God Save My Liver…

Overhead from every other party.

Time: 8 pm

Booze: 1 peg down

Music: Pumped Up Kicks

“People, let’s start drinking!”

“I had a rough week at work!”

“The weekend couldn’t have come sooner”

Time: 9 pm

Booze: 2 pegs down

Music: Thrift Shop

“Man, the Indian Cricket team is so sucky!”

“I can’t believe Mallya paid 14 crores for Yuvraj Singh!”

“You think Aresenal is going to win this season?”

Time: 10 pm

Booze: 3 pegs down

Music: Moves Like Jagger

“Dude, what was Kejriwal thinking?”

“The roads in Bangalore are so shitty!”

“Have you seen the new Aventador? That rich bugger just bought it!”

Time: 11 pm

Booze: 4 pegs down

Music: Bangarang

“Dude, this whisky is really good!”

“Man, the drop in this song is maaaaaad!”

“We should go to Sunburn man!”

Time: 12 am

Booze: 5 pegs down

Music: Sexy Bitch

“Why aren’t we dancing dude?!!”

“Oops, I dropped my glass!”

“I’m not drunk okay!!”

Time: 1 am

Booze: 6 pegs down

Music: I’m Sexy And I Know It

“Maybe we should eat something?”

“I’ve a sexy business idea! All I need is capital!”

“Dude, the power shortage is a big political conspiracy!”

Time: 2 am

Booze: 7 pegs down

Music: Gangnam Style

“Maybe we should order some food?”

“Dude, that guy is like goooooone!”

“Yeah man, my capacity is like huge!”

Time: 3 am

Booze: 8 pegs down

Music: Angreji Beat

“Check out my moonwalk dude!”

“Dude, I still love her dude!”

“Dude, we should totally quit our jobs and start up!”

Time: 4 am

Booze: 9 pegs down

Music: Hawa Hawai

“Dude! We’re out of mixing! F*** it, I’ll drink it neat!”

“I’m gonna beat up that guy! He’s acting too cocky”

“Dude, I gotta confess something”

Time: 5 am

Booze: 10 pegs down

Music: Tu Cheez Badi Hai Mast Mast

“Let’s go the terrace!”

“Maybe we should eat something?”

“Man, I love ghati music!”

Time: 6 am

Booze: 11 pegs down

Music: Gandi Baat

“Let’s do Jaeger Bombs!:

“Dude! Is that the sun in the horizon?”

“I’m not drunk at all!”

Time: 7 am

Booze: 12 pegs down

Music: Chikni Chameli

“Let’s do push ups!”

“Food? Anyone? We should just have breakfast now!”

“I can totally do the moonwalk like MJ!”

Time: 8 am

Booze: 13 pegs down

Music: Isspidermen Isspidermen

“Oh god, I have office tomorrow!”

“Why don’t we have anymore booze?!”

“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……!”

“13 is a very odd number. Let’s have another peg to make it even!”

And people wonder why I look so tired on a Monday.

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