No Favoritism Please!

At office. Allocating clients to the sales guy.

Me: Alright, so you take Client A, Client B and Client C. 

Sales Guy: How about no?

Me: What?

Sales Guy: I don’t want those clients. Give it to Blah 1 or Blah 2!

Me: What do you mean by you don’t want them?

Sales Guy: It’s inconvenient for me!

Me: Sorry?

Colleague: Let me elaborate.

Me: Sure, humor me….

 Colleague: He chooses his client based on two factors…

Me: Which are?

Colleague: Distance from his house and distance from his girlfriends house. 

Me: What crap?

Sales Guy: Seriously dude! See, Client X – Next to girlfriends house, Client – Y – On the way to my house from office and Client – Z – You get the drift right?

Me: I can’t believe this! What if your girlfriend moves?

Sales Guy: I’ll change my clients accordingly! 

Me: Jeez!

Sales Guy: Relax boss, ab ki baar, Modi sarkar!

Me: Eh, that doesn’t even make sense! 

Sales Guy: Exactly!

Me: #Facepalm! 

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The Driver!

I called up Le Gf.

Me: How’s the thunderstorm your side of town?

Le Gf: Pretty good! Lots of rain! How come you’re back home already?

Me: How’d you know that I’m back home?

Le Gf: Very easy, Sherlock. You asked me how the weather is at my side of town. If you were at office, you’d have known. Your office is next to my house, remember?

Me: Oh yeah…. Point….

Le Gf: What? You’d think I’m some dumb blonde huh?

Me: So anyhow…..

Le Gf: Hmph!

Me: So, there’s this section in my apartment, where it gets waterlogged during rains. The water is about one – two feet atleast!

Le Gf: So?

Me: It’s fun to see cars get stuck there!

Le Gf: So?

Me: So, nothing! I love driving there in first gear and splash water on everyone!

Le Gf: You’re such a bad driver! Splashing water on everyone! And you call me bad?

Me: You are a BAD driver! You’re very rash! When you drive, people jump out of the way!

Le Gf: Jeez!

Me: Looking at your driving, it’s so evident that you’re from Hyderabad! 

Le Gf: Really?

Me: Yes!

Le Gf: Oh my god! I’ve been never so proud of myself!

Me: Wait! What?

Le Gf: I’m so proud of myself! I’m a Hyderabadi, out and out! 

Me: #WTF!?

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PS: It had rained 3000 mm that day.

The Greatest Gift!

After my birthday.

Me: Wow, my birthday was such a treat!

Le Gf: I’m glad that you liked it.

Me: Thanks for everything!

Le Gf: You’re welcome!

Me: Now that you’ve set the expectation so high, I’ll have to better that on your birthday!

Le Gf: That’s fine babe, I really don’t want anything!

Me: You sure?

Le Gf: Totally!

*The next day*

Le Gf: You know….

Me: What?

Le Gf: If you really get me something for my birthday….

Me: Go on….

Le Gf: Get me that truck from Death Race!

Me: What?

Le Gf: This:

Death_race_dragon

Me: #Facepalm!

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There’s No Such Thing As Too Many Dates!

Driving back home from a house party.

JK: Dude!

Me: Yeah?

JK: Dude, that hot chick took my number!

Me: Awesome!

JK: No dude! She wants to meet at Humming Tree later this week.

Le Gf: So what’s the problem?

Me: What’s your problem exactly?

JK: Ummmmm….

Le Gf: Are you broke?

JK: Yeah…

Me: How broke?

JK: Very broke!

Me: Jeez… Fine tell her that you don’t wanna drink, smoke some weed instead!

Le Gf: Yeah, as simple as that!

JK: Don’t have money for that too!

Le Gf: How broke are you?

Me: Dude, she’s got weed on her. Cool?

JK: How’d you know?

Me: Cos I asked her to roll for me, earlier today!

JK: Awesome! It’s set then!

Le Gf: You’re such a schmuck!

Me: It’s JK, what did you expect?

JK: Chu…!

Me: :P

 

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The LG Flatron!

At a house party.

Me: Guess what?

Le Gf: What?

Me: We’re doing  a couple of posters on prevention of sexual harassment for your office.

Le Gf: Yuck, really?

Me: Yup!

Le Gf: And..?

Me: The concept is that, there will be picture of me, telling people what constitutes as a “good touch” and what’s a “bad touch”.

Le Gf: Really?

Me: Yup!

Le Gf: Dude… If this thing shows up at my office, I’m gonna break up with you!

Me: What? Why?

Le Gf: Can you imagine? I’d have to tell people that the guy in the sexual harassment poster is my boyfriend!

Me: So what’s the downside?

Le Gf: YOU ARE NOT GOING AHEAD WITH THIS STUPID IDEA OF YOURS! GOT IT?

Me: Jeez…. Drama queen much?

Le Gf: Hmph!

Me: It’s a joke, alright?

Le Gf: Thank god!

Me: Where’s your sense of humor? 

Le Gf: That was gross, ok?

Me: We’re going to use a flat design, alright?

Le Gf: What’s that?

Me: It’s a design principle.

Le Gf: So you people use only flat chested models for the pictures? Is that what flat design is all about? 

Me: #ROLFMAO!

Le Gf: What?

Me: No, you dumbass! 

Le Gf: What the f***?

Me: Flat design means that it’s a minimalist design with bright colors. The picture looks flat as opposed to having a 3-D like appearance. Comprende?

Le Gf: Oh…. My bad..

Me: No shit, Sherlock!

Le Gf: Bitch..

 

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Expectations Vs Reality

At a house party.

NM: If you had the money, what cool thing would you buy?

Me: Hmmmmm…. Let’s see….

NM: Dude, money is no object…

Me: Hmmmmm, alright, I’d like to buy a Segway!

NM: Alright! Now we’re talking!

*Le Gf thinking to herself*

Le Gf: Segway? Must be like a sexy car like a Mustang or something!

*Turns to me*

Le Gf: Show me a pic!

Me: Here!

segway

 

Le Gf: What the f*** is this sh*t?

Me: Errrrrr, it’s a Segway!

Le Gf: It’s not a Mustang? 

Me: Errrrr, no?

Le Gf: You were up there, now you’re down here!

Me: Ummm….

Le Gf: And I’d thought that’ll I do you in the Mustang…

Me: Alright….

Le Gf: And I thought that you were cool….

Me: #FML! 

 

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